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Comment by Mary Norris on July 4, 2012 at 2:31pm

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the website and to this group, I lost my mom on May 27, 2012, I wanted to thank the owner of this group Karen for allowing me to join, this really means a lot i am having a really hard time dealing with my mom's passing.

Sincerely,

Mary

Comment by sandee love on June 30, 2012 at 5:08pm

hi mary, my mom went to heaven on 2/22/12.  at least i hope she did.  she better be in heaven or i  couldnt go on.  i really understand how you feel. the day my mom went to heaven, i had held her hand all night , telling her that its ok.  i decided to come home on the train that day to check on my cat & she went to heaven a couple hours after i left.  i 1st beat myself up for not being there.  over & over.  then, i came to the conclusion that my being there wouldnt have made any difference.  i know she felt me holding her hand all night.  & i know she heard me when i told her everything is ok.   i really do understand.  the world is so awkward without her here on earth.  but she is in the best place of all.  i sure hope she is cuz ill be pretty pissed at god if she wasnt.

Comment by Mary on June 30, 2012 at 4:32pm

I wish I knew Storyas.  I nearly lost my mom in 2004 which really made me do things differently and made me spend much more time with my mom and then last summer she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and she was not a candidate for surgery so they wanted to treat her with 35 radiation treatments.  I think the only reason she agreed to go through with it was for me and her grandkids.  She completed all the treatments and when she had her PET scan in January it showed the cancer in the uterus was gone,but that there were spots in her lungs.  She told me that she felt God had healed her and she wanted me to believe as well and to rejoice in her healing, but I just had this gut feeling and could not join in her rejoicing.  A few weeks before she was diagnosed with the brain tumor that took her life, I got sick and really felt horrible and could not go see her and when I talked to her on the phone I noticed little things that I thought-wow that is strange, but shrugged it off.  When I went to see her 7days later she acted like she'd not seen me in years-again I thought "strange", but never put two and two together. 4 days later she can't tell me who I am and was diagnosed with the brain tumor and 21 days later, she died.  I keep thinking if I just had not gotten sick, if I had not agreed to "rejoice" with her, if I had taken her to the doctor when I noticed those small things on the phone.  Or at the least I could have spent more time with her, told her I loved her a thousand times more, hugged her a thousand times more.  It fills my head constantly.  My entire body hurts all the time now, everyone keeps telling me to go see the doctor that I am probably depressed and need medication.  My mind tells me I deserve to hurt so not to go.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 30, 2012 at 9:22am

Mary - Wow!  You expressed so much of what I'm going through and so well.  I could choke on the guilt most days.  One of the reasons I don't want to let go of the past - i.e., keep wishing things were like they were before she got sick - is because all I can remember is every mistake I made.  If I would have done this when she was alive maybe she would have been happier.  If I would have done this when she was alive she might have stayed healthier.  If I would have done this when she was sick, she might still be alive.  I am feeling guilty for crap that happened when I was a child - if I wouldn't have back talked her when I was 8 years old.  It just devours you after a while.  I wonder why guilt is such a strong part of grieving.

Comment by Mary on June 30, 2012 at 8:59am

I couldn't have said it better Storyas. Brette, my mom passed in March too. There are days and nights I just cry and cry, just writing this makes me cry. I miss my mom terribly, I  think I've been a little in denial as to how much as I too have had a great deal of physical pain since she passed and my attitude has changed so much.  I just don't want to do anything, clean house, cook, buy groceries, go outside the house.  I keep running things through my head, like why didn't I catch on to the fact she had a brain tumor sooner, maybe we could have done things differently, what if she thought we gave up on her and let her die since we chose not to put her though surgery or radiation since it would only give her a few more weeks, maybe a couple more months. Whu didn't I hug her more, visit her more, so many things-so many shoulda, woulda, coulda's.  I feel guilty if I do focus on something else because then I feel like I should be thinking of her and missing her all the time.  I feel bad when I have a good time with my friends-thinking I should be mourning and sad. There are good days and then bad days..like today!

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 30, 2012 at 7:51am

Brette - I know exactly what you are feeling.  I never knew how to put it into words, but what you described is pretty much what I felt.  It does get easier with time, so hold on.  I'm not going to lie - it never really goes away.  But, it does get better enough with time that the pain becomes less palpable and you don't feel it like it's a physical sensation so much.  Just know that whatever you are going through is normal, and let yourself feel and express your feelings as you need to.  I was so close to my mom that a year after she died I started going to a grief support group, and I just started screaming out my pain when my time came to speak.  I thought they would all think I was crazy, but they all understood.  But, I started slowly feeling better after I started to talk.  It's been a few years since my mom died now.  I'm getting to the point where I don't hurt on a physical level the grief is so bad, but I still long for things to be the way they used to be.  I still miss her.  But, the pain does get a lot less intense and a lot easier to handle with time.

Comment by Brette Stinson on June 30, 2012 at 12:41am

When my mother passed in March of this year it felt like someone incredibly strong punched a whole through my heart and it is nothing that can be done to be healed. How in the hell do I get through this? Help me!

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 24, 2012 at 9:05pm

Brenda Ann - Hi.  Thank you.  I still have one more letter to get out and one more meeting tomorrow to get the right approvals from the city to do the work on my property I told you about.  I'm going  to go to bed soon, so can you call me tomorrow, and do you have time to have lunch on Tuesday.

Mark - I'm glad you are feeling better.  I think your mom may have something to do with that too.  At my mom's funeral, I stood over her grave as they lowered her into the ground, and it was like my life passed before my eyes.  I came from a poverty most people can't believe, and due to that I assumed everyone who presented a need to me really had a need, because poverty is all I had known growing up.  At my mom's funeral, all of the people I had helped flashed before my eyes, and I realized that all of them were spoiled people who had grown up with wealth and wasted all of the opportunities their families had given them.  I checked it out a bit, and it was true.  And, since my mom died, whenever a con artist like that comes into my life, I see them more clearly.  I have been learning since that experience to be a good steward and only help those whose need is greater than my own family's need.  For the longest time, I felt guilty.  All I could think of was how much more I could have helped my parents than I did if I wouldn't have helped those people who were taking from our lack to feed their own excess.  Then, my dad died, and every since my dad died, I have found myself being very bold.  My dad was very bold.  He didn't take any crap from anyone, whereas I was always this passive passive person.  Since my dad died, I haven't hesitated to tell people what they need to hear or deserve to hear.  I was telling a friend of mine who is a counselor that one day, and I shared with her the guilt I'd felt since my mom died and i realized how much more I could have helped her in life had I not been a pushover.  My friend said, "Don't you realize that your Mom wasn't trying to make you feel guilty.  She was trying to teach you something that will make your life better and make you safer now that she is not here to protect you.  And the fact that you got so much bolder after your dad died is the gift he is giving you to keep you safer now that he is not here to watch over you - he is giving you his boldness.  When she said that, I stopped feeling guilty, and I started making decisions that would keep me safer.  And, I do believe that those very powerful experiences were my parents trying to give me a gift from the other side to keep me safer.  About a month after my dad died, I met this woman that I started hanging out with a lot.  She was very adventurous, so I had a great time.  Well, about three months ago my sister's nephew by marriage was shot and died as a hero saving an old woman from a gunman - he tackled the gunman.  While I was grieving that, this woman called me to ask me to do her a favor.  When I said no, she said, "He wasn't even related to you; he was your brother-in-laws nephew."  The whole community it happened in was devastated, but I wasn't allowed to be.  It was like everything just woke up in me and I started to remember all these horrible things she had subtly done to get me to do for her.  I took these gifts my parents gave me from the other side and got out of that relationship in just a few months instead of it dragging on for years like it would have in the past.  I deserve relationships where I at least get back when I have a need instead of always giving to people who want to take even when my need is greater.  I think that is a gift my parents gave me from the other side.

Comment by Mark on June 24, 2012 at 6:39pm

Storyas you're are so giving in opening up.  I think thats part of this process.  Willing to share.  Thank you :)  This weekend for me has gone much better.  I've said before that many times when I'm really aching something will happen that I believe my mom is behind to help give me some strength.  I think this may be the first time I actually caught myself thinking in terms of "me" or "I" instead of a "we" or me minus one thought.  If that makes sense?  It was comforting to feel that inside of me.  To begin to embrace a future where i know I'm traveling it without her near by but able to see something potentially bright in that journey.  That is way out of my hands.  It's as if she took over my saddened thoughts of her being gone and said.. it's ok.  Joy will come to you again.  I like it.  I don't know if it will last but I'm not figting it.  I had m&m's and didn't get sick for the first time since she passed.  This is also a good sign :)

Comment by Brenda Ann on June 21, 2012 at 11:43pm

Storyas Fawnfeather,

It was so good to talk to you by phone tonight - I will call Sunday

support@grief-and-comfort.com

www.grief-and-comfort.com

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