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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 6, 2012 at 9:06am

Craig - thank you for sharing those excerpts from that book.  They help.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 6, 2012 at 8:59am

Sandee - I know how you feel:  if I don't have some kind of knowledge that my mom and dad both are in heaven, I can't go on.  And, I know the guilt.  I sat with my mom while she died, but I just sat next to her bed.  I didn't touch her.  I didn't hold her hand.  I couldn't bring myself to do so.  I've felt guilty about that all these years.  And, on the night my dad died, I didn't stay.  I have a very rare type of hypoglycemia (rapid-transit and not the pre-diabetic type) that I've had all my life, and my blood sugar was dropping and I had PMS really bad (I started my period the next morning), so I left.  He didn't want me to leave, but I needed to leave to take care of myself.  I asked him if he cared if I left and he said Yes.  But, I had to leave to take care of my health.  So, I kissed him on the forehead and told him I  loved him and I'd be back first thing in the morning.  I planned to get there at 6 AM, because i knew he was bad.  I got a call at 4:30 that he had died at 4:25.  I've never forgiven myself for not staying, because he wanted me to stay.  I know how you feel.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on July 6, 2012 at 8:55am

Mary, first of all - you do NOT deserve to hurt, and your mom would not want you to hurt.  If you need to go to the doctor, please go.  Now, I admit I'm a hypocrite in saying that as I have a phobia of doctors, because my dad was basically killed by a nurse practitioner and that is not my imagination as action was taken by the State and ongoing action is bringing more consequences to those involved.  But, that has left me with a real phobia of medical providers.  But, my head tells me it is a good idea to go to the doctor when you need it.

I know what you mean about that feeling - when I took my mom to the doctor for the first time, I knew that she was going to die.  We hadn't even started the tests yet, and I just knew it was over.  I can't explain it, but i knew from minute one.  I don't know why.

As for all you talked about you feel guilty for - I know what you mean.  I went through the same thing, but my counselor keeps reminding me that when we remember we remember only that moment in that time whereas when we were living it we were being bombarded by everything going on around us and thus we did the best we knew how to do at the time.  When we remember, we remember only that isolated incident but when we were living it we were coordinating - in your case your own illness, your mothers needs, your family's needs, caregiving and coordinating with doctors, etc. all were fighting for your focus as they were in my case.  We both did the best we could do.  My head knows that.  My heart is moving to accepting that a lot slower.  I think sometimes that I think if I accept it in my heart that it means she didn't matter enough, but that isn't true, so I don't know why I do this to myself.

Comment by Judy on July 6, 2012 at 2:50am

Hi, Mary -- I was just sitting here thinking I was totally losing my mind. I totally get, "Where is she?!" "For real?" I'm choosing to believe that we're not nuts, choosing rather to find the gratitude that exists because of that closeness. Fine & dandy, but I still feel such horrific, out-of-control pain!

Comment by Mary on July 4, 2012 at 9:04pm

I understand Sandee love, even though I got my red balloon, I am always still looking for red balloons, but also what seems to bother me most is that my mom and I were so very close that I just naturally thought that when she died that I would feel her close to me, that her spirit would linger close and I'd feel her presence and although there have been a couple of times that I did, I haven't in a while and it really really bothers me. It's like where is she, why isn't she choosing to be here with me. All these crazy things going through my head.

Comment by sandee love on July 4, 2012 at 8:43pm

thank you mary. i needed to hear that.  mary is my mom's name .  i have to believe that this is also a sign:)  the 1st week that my mom went to heaven i asked god to please send me a sign that she is ok. the next day i was on my way to empty the garbage & i noticed that the tree next door was blooming & i saw all the flakey blooms on the ground, which i had not seen before .  it caught my attention.  but of course, i was & still am so cynical, that i put it in the back of my mind.  how many signs do i have to see to believe that its my mom letting me know that all is well? i guess im angry that she is not here with me & i  am demanding definite proof.  oh god i miss her so much.

Comment by Mary on July 4, 2012 at 8:21pm

I had to comment Sandee love, I almost lost my mom in 2004, she coded and then went into a coma following a hip replacement and when she fully recovered, I had a talk with her and said if she died before me would she send me a sign that there was a heaven and she was there and she was happy.  She asked me what kind of sign and I said, how about a red balloon. She said she would see what she could do.  Two nites before my mom passed away we had a small storm blow in and my son was standing by the back window and suddenly said, "a balloon"  I jumped up and said what color was it, he said, "red or pink"  I ran to the side window and saw it blowing across the street into my neighbors yard then up and over her house. I immediately called hospice to check on my mom and they said she was unchanged.  I called my neighbor the next day and asked her if there was a red balloon in her yard and she said, "I saw something in the back corner but thought it was one of the dogs toys but I will go check."  She called me back and said indeed it was a red balloon and when I told her of my discussion with my mom some years back, she insisted on bringing me the balloon.  I placed the balloon in my basket next to my sofa. My mom passed away 2 days later.  I was home and trying to find my camera and was looking everywhere.  I left the dining room and went to the back of the house to check in our bedroom.  When I came back out to the dining room, the red balloon was on the floor next to my dining room chair. Noone else was in the house and it was not there when I left the dining room to go to the back of the house.  God somehow sent the balloon to me before my mom passed so that she would have a means to give me the sign.  So I know there is a heaven, I think I always knew, but moms sign to me proves it and I know she is happy, I knew she would be.  It helps, but I still miss her dearly and hurt a great deal because I grieve my loss of her so much.  I hope my story will help others.

Comment by sandee love on July 4, 2012 at 4:29pm

mary norris. i know how you feel.  my mom went to heaven on 2/22/12.  i cant believe its been that long.  i hate the time passing cuz this just makes it really real.  it seems so long ago & yet, like it just happened today.  oh how i wish i knew, really knew, that she was ok.  what a dirty trick that god wont let us know for sure.  

Comment by Mary Norris on July 4, 2012 at 3:39pm

Hello Mary,

Thanks so much for the comment, I appreciate that.

Sincerely,

Mary Norris

Comment by Mary on July 4, 2012 at 3:24pm

I am so sorry for you loss Mary Norris.  I lost my mom in March and it is very hard, and everyone tells you it gets easier-it does somewhat, but this group does help and everyone here can relate to your loss.  Please know we are all here for you.

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