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Comment by anna l. on September 9, 2012 at 3:03pm

Putting on the happy face and getting on with my day is just friggin exhausting.  I do not find act happy/be happy is working for me at all but for some I suppose...  I would rather be alone than fake it but now that Im back to work I have no choice but to try harder.  I know I will get better at the faking part and maybe find it less mentally fatiguing but it will never ever move me faster into an its actually better phase of this journey.

 

Comment by Ann on September 9, 2012 at 2:53pm

The holidays are creeping around the corner.  My mom loved the holidays.  For me, they no longer hold any joy.

Comment by Karen K on September 9, 2012 at 2:13pm

Damir... I did read an article the other day that scientifically supported the old "act happy be happy" platitude. I havent been able to practice it for long each day... but I think about it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48815454/ns/health-mens_health/

Comment by Mark on September 9, 2012 at 12:50pm

A year ago I was one of the most socially dynamic people you'd ever meet.  Now, when the phone rings I let it go to vm and rarely call back.  If the neighbors bother me too much while I'm doing yard work I'll make an excuse like I need to go to the bathroom.  Leave the mower/leaf blower/ weed eater right where they are at and go in the house and sit there until they walk away.  Many times I've not answered the door when someones knocking and if they tell me later they were knocking again I make up some lie.  Taking a nap ( I don't sleep good at all ) or I didn't hear them.   The level of panic attacks I get are intense.  Especially when I first wake up.  Feels like my blood is going to burst out of my veins and the rest the day it feels like my body is humming if that makes sense.  But I smile in public, come up with a few witty comments and no one knows.  When my heart is racing I actually hope for a heart attack but then tell myself my luck I'd just get a stroke and someone would find me days later unable to move or talk and that would be my next hell.   At this point if mom was around and I was experiencing any of this with her still here she'd laugh and say ... son, you are a hot mess hahaha.  I want to cry at all of this but hate how deep the crying is.  It's agonizing.

Comment by Mark on September 9, 2012 at 12:37pm

Karen both you and your mom are beautiful women.   I am so sorry for your loss.  It still kills me to look at photos of my mom.  At times it's just too much.  I call it a dark blanket that seems to just come out of no where and hover over me just waiting to crash down on me.  Some days I fight it and others I privately crumble and keep asking why am I continuing on? 

Jenn, we are living a very similar life.  8 months and counting for me as well.  I feel so embarrassed at times that I've opted to put off grocery shopping even when I needed the food because I just couldn't deal with the crowds.  I fake it when I am in public for work because for some stupid reason I am more concerned about how my situation could make someone uncomfortable so it's best to just play the game that every thing is ok.  I've even thought about taking my own life and have considered it a mercy killing rather than someone who just quit on life.  I feel so displaced.  I never realized my whole life was about her.  I can't stand the images of that last year.  I just miss her and don't know how much longer I can take that feeling.  Every day it's an exhaustive task to just get through it and I keep wondering what for?  It's still the same dark shit. 

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 9, 2012 at 11:20am

Mary, you are so right! I never had a problem going out to the store and buying things that I need, but now, if I can't find someone to go with me, then I do my shopping online. I've always had anxiety but never this bad..I hardly ever leave the house unless it's to go to my therapy appointments. People really don't have a clue what we're going through. I'm going on eight months and I still feel like I did, when mom passed. It doesn't seem to get any easier for me.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 9, 2012 at 11:14am

Karen, I'm so sorry for your loss! And I love the picture that you posted, very beautiful!! People say that but I think that we just become numb to the feeling, I don't think I'll ever get over this! And a lot of people don't understand what we are going through, all of my friends still have their parents so they think that I'm rediculous because I'm not over it. So I can relate to feeling terribly alone! I hope that going back to work will help you some, I'll pray for some peace and some relief and send it your way!:) You are not alone here, we have all went through a terrible loss and understand!

Comment by Mary on September 9, 2012 at 11:09am

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss and I truly understand how you feel and what you mean about noone being there to call you baby or angel or sweetheart.  I have a husband and two children, but their I love you's are so different then a moms and I too can't see a day when I will better.  It's been almost 6 months since mom passed away and I miss her so terribly.  I have all these new anxieties that I have NEVER experienced- like my laundry is in the basement.. I am afraid to go down there and do laundry when my husband is not home because I am afraid I am going to die down there and noone will find me.  I am afraid to leave the house because I might break down and cry and people will think me insane.  People don't have a clue what losing someone who meant so much to you can do to you.

Comment by Karen K on September 9, 2012 at 9:56am

well I typed an entire post and the PC ate it.  :(  How frustrating.

It was about my beautiful mother in the photo below. Which was taken 2 months before she had a stroke on July 7. 4 months before she died... August 29.

I know people say it gets easier over time. But I dont know how they make it until that much time has passed that it is easier.  Some days I just cannot bear it. And I live alone. My son is gone to college. My cat died 5 months ago. The dog is 14. I have a few friends but I cant call them every time I am feeling lost without mom.  She was deeply embedded in my life. We spoke often. About any little thing that caught our interest.  Her last text to me, still on my phone was "Happy 4th of July my little firecracker".  :(((  Now there's no one to call me "baby" or "angel".  I dont have anyone to regularly or meaningfully say "i love you".  I just feel so terribly alone. Cant see a day when it will possible feel easier. And tomorrow, I have to go back to work. (I was off on FMLA for 3 weeks... 2 weeks in hospice fulltime with mom. 1 at home). I dread being at work all day.  I dread every morning.  It's just so unexpected. We kept thinking, she and I, that she would get better. And come home with me. And I would still have my beloved mommy to talk to and hold hands with.  Yes... I DOOOOO miss my mom.  So much. So much. So much.

Comment by Karen K on September 9, 2012 at 9:39am

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