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Comment by Mary on September 14, 2012 at 3:58pm

That is awesome Mark.  I went to grief therapy for the first time today and it was good to release some things came out in the session that I didn't even know were bothering me, but when I started talking, they just came out!   I did learn that it is quite normal to want to hurt those well meaning folks who say, "it will get better! She's in a better place now! God won't give you more then you can handle!" That's because friends are using "logic" and I am dealing with deep

"feelings!" So it is ok for me to say to my friends..my mom has been gone 6 months but the grief for me is very fresh and very real and the emotional flood gates open frequently because there are triggers all around me-a smell, something I see, an event, a place. The grief is deeper because the relationship I had with my mom was one of great love and affection and extreme closeness. What I need from you is continued support and understanding and to know that although some find it easy to move on quickly, that is not the case here, so bear with me.  She told me that some weeks or days are worse then others because of the "triggers" it can be a thought, a special day, a song, a sound, a smell.   Now I think I need to talk to someone about the religious side of all this.  My mom was very spiritual and she had more Faith in God then anyone I know and always said Trust Jesus. But I've lost that faith and trust because she trusted him and had such faith in him and look where it got her.

Comment by Mark on September 14, 2012 at 12:19pm

I've been hating this month.  It's mom's month.  Her bday is next Tuesday.  First one without her here.  The last few weeks seem worse than other times for some reason.  BUT and that's a HUGE but something happened two nights ago that blew me away.  I don't know if I want to share it right now but it was a miracle.  It's so detailed it's hard to put into words but I can say what happened to us was unimaginable.  It wasn't just dealing with my moms health there were so many other issue's happening at once it felt like the entire world had collapsed.  After moms death I've been left to deal with a lot and out of nowhere a portion of it was resolved.  It was resolved in a way that answers one of my questions as to why we had to endure certain things and the answer was in the form that presented an amazing result.  It has given me a chance to release some of those awful very hurt and angry feelings realizing some of what we had to deal with for as harsh and vile would come back to be a support system for me at this time.  I know thats vague but the general information is that something has happened that is incredible and it has offered me some peace of mind over certain matters when it comes to moms death and all we went through.  It brings a bit of relief.  A lot of comfort and hope.  And it's amazing how it goes back to all that horror and how in order for this to happen every thing had to happen the way it did in a certain area.  I have been haunted by certain events one in particular and when I got the news about the situation and realized what had happened I bawled and bawled and could feel a portion of those memories being taken off of me.  It was so brutal to deal with that but some how it's been explained to me and it's been covered.  Amazing.    I miss her so much.  I'm thinking about getting chinese on her birthday like we always did.  I'm feeling like I can do it and have a good moment remembering back vs just losing it.  I'll try.

Comment by Ann on September 14, 2012 at 11:18am

I feel like I'm disappearing.  My mom was my life and the longer she is gone, the less there is of me.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 14, 2012 at 4:07am

Most definitely! Those memories should bring a smile to my face but it hurts me soo bad that I'll never have another one..maybe one day soon I'll be able to!

Comment by Judy on September 14, 2012 at 3:45am

That's such a sweet story, Jennifer. She made you feel special, didn't she? That's what you'll miss -- her tender mercies.

I can't even begin to think about Christmas, Mary. Mother loved Christmas, and went all out for it -- at least up until the last four years. I don't have much family, so it's gong to be hard.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on September 13, 2012 at 11:48pm

Happy Birthday Judy! I haven't went through my 'first' birthday without mine yet, it'll be here in October, and I dread that more than anything. My mom worked long hours, 12+ sometimes, and my birthday was the only day that I was guarenteed to spend with her because she always took off on that day! So I definitely understand..hope things get a little better!

Comment by Mary on September 13, 2012 at 5:21pm

Same here Judy, I loved those little things she gave me more then the big things others gave me, I was thinking yesterday that it won't be the same at Christmas because she always made me a bag of silly little gifts

Comment by Judy on September 13, 2012 at 5:15pm

Thanks, Mary. Of course, you're right. Mother always sent me two cards -- one sentimental & one silly. And gave me lots of stuff, which was irrelevant. It was getting her cards & yakking on the phone that was important.

I appreciate your reply. I think I just needed to connect with someone who understands.

Comment by Mary on September 13, 2012 at 5:12pm

I am sorry Judy!  Happy Birthday.  I think it is because moms always made us feel special on our birthdays no matter how old we got.  It had a special meaning to them too.  I hope your day and evening go better.

Comment by Judy on September 13, 2012 at 5:07pm

Today is my first birthday without my mother. I started crying last night -- until 5 AM. Can't get myself together, and there are people coming over in an hour. Does anyone know why your birthday is so hard without your mom? Maybe if I understood....

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