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Comment by michael sandoval on October 28, 2012 at 5:59pm

Dear everyone and Dr simin,

I miss my mom so much, it hurts so bad, and i feel like it will never go away.  My birthday is Nov 1 and my first without Mom.  I get so sad just thinking about how wonderful she was on EVERY single birthday, no matter how old we got.   She always did something special, she was an amazing woman and i don't know what to do sometimes.

Comment by Judy on October 28, 2012 at 4:59pm

It is very, very hard to hang on and want to die at the same time. The desire to be out of pain is a really strong emotion when one is already overwrought with grief. I have no answer for why survival tends to always override the wish to die. The sorrow is coming from your bones, Simin. I get it. I have managed to hang on and have gradually been able to spend a  day that isn't total pain all day long. It just happens. And on those days, I find an accidental joy from something, whatever, and the experience of that joy is somehow deeper now. It is fleeting, but it feels true. Please take care of yourself, Simin.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 28, 2012 at 7:51am

Simin - I am sorry you feel so bad.  You know, I am starting to think that maybe we do spend time with them when we are in a sleep state.  I've had that same type of dream dozens of times where I'm with my mom and in a literal state of shock that my body is feeling that she is alive and that the doctors were wrong and the cancer didn't kill her - and I'm following her around and begging her to take her medicine and she is telling me she doesn't need it any more as she is not sick.  In some of the dreams we go to the doctor and the doctor is saying she is cancer free.  And, the whole time I'm with her I have this feeling like she is healthy and I can't wrap my head around that.  Maybe they are healthy now and coming back to visit us and spend time with us in our sleep cuz when we are asleep we are in a state where they can get to us.  I wish I could explain that feeling I have in those dreams - it is like I can't believe she is better so I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out but the bottom doesn't fall out until I wake up and realize I'm not really with her.  I got so close in a dream like that last week that I woke up all excited and surrounded by the feeling I had when with my mom thinking, "Me and Mom are going shopping on Saturday."  Then, I realized she was gone.  I think maybe they are alive.  I think my mom is trying to let me know she is alive still.  I know how it feels to want to die and be with them.  They wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves though.  They want us to live our lives and allow ourselves to go in our natural time.  I know, because I will probably go before my niece who is like a daughter to me and is 24 years younger than me, and I want her to live her life to the fullest when I am gone.  I don't want her grieving and hurting and longing to be with me before her time.  That is how our parents feel about us.  Besides, we don't want to leave that kind of grief behind us with our surviving family.  They are already grieving one loss.  If we leave this world before our time, we make them grieve two losses.  We have to hang on.  It does slowly get better a little bit at a time.  Please believe me on that.

Comment by Dr S Gh on October 28, 2012 at 3:22am

Hi everyone. Storyas thanx for ur comoforting comment. I have just woken up (its 8.15 a.m. here in London). I had a dream about mum, i dreamt that she was fine and healthy and talking to me, in my dream i was thinking thank god that she survived here heart attack and i felt very happy for a while during the dream and just after waking up.  Then within a minute of waking, i remembered that mum hadn't survived and i had a feeling of immense panic. Now i'm crying and almost wishing i was dead and could join mum. Right now nothing in the world matters to me other than having mum back. I feel so wretched and soooo sad, i want this feeling to stop. I honestly think that i would be betteer off dead, but i know that i can't do anything that would hurt my family. I have to keep going for them, but it's so hard. I miss mum so much i feel i will never get over this or feel anything other than this immense sadness inside me. Thank you all for being there.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 27, 2012 at 10:44am

I haven't been on for a while, so I'm going to just look at the last few messages as there is no way to catch up.  Simin - I can related to your story.  My dad had PTSD and was severely handicapped, so it took all he had to keep his family supported.  He worked such long hours and then was in so much pain when he got off work.  I always loved him and was always closest to him of any of the kids, but we were never close like me and my Mom were.  My mom was my best friend - we shopped together, heck, we did everything together.  Then, my Mom died and my dad was left, and I saw then how much he loved her.  All that work on handicapped legs had been for her and for us.  It was how he showed up he loved us.  He was so devastated by her death that he had a heart attack.  He survived that but his health steadily declined until he died a while later.  The whole time he lived he grieved so bad.  I started taking care of him.  His health was failing, so he was no longer working.  We spent every minute together and became best friends.  I built so many cherished memories with him.  And, I realized he was a GREAT guy.  I got so close to him that when he died it just about killed me.  I still grieve.  Last night I was going through the store and saw a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, which he loved.  I started crying right there in the store.  Cherish this time with your dad and enjoy the great guy he is now that you and he are each others total focus.  It will be one of the greatest gifts you ever get in your life.  It is such a great gift.  I cherish every moment I had with my dad.  I love him so much.

My mom died before my dad, but I still grieve for her too.  She was my best friend, and I haven't had a lot of time to really release the grief cuz my dad's heart attack was two weeks to the day after she died.  I was so busy being a caregiver after that and helping him with his grief that I never really worked out my own grief.  I have these dreams a lot where I'm following her around begging her to take her medicine and she is telling me she does not need it as she is not sick.  I take her to the doctor in the dreams and he tells me she has no cancer.  I spent my whole time in the dream being shocked and amazed and joyous that she has no cancer and she is still alive.  Well, last week I had a dream similar to that - it was like I'd been with her all night.  I woke up that morning so excited that she and I were going to go shopping on Saturday.  And, it wasn't even a thought.  I'm learning that every person had a feeling and that feeling is around what you share with them.  There was a feeling around me when I spent time with my mom that I don't feel any more.  I woke up with that feeling and was so excited cuz we were going shopping on Saturday.  Then, I realized she was not alive and the feeling went away, and I just started crying.  It's Saturday, and she is not here to go shopping with me.  These dreams are not normal dreams.  Maybe I am spending time with her when I'm asleep.  I miss her so much.

Comment by Judy on October 26, 2012 at 12:19am

Sometimes the loss of one parent will bring us closer to the remaining parent, as it has for Michael and for me, too. I'm very grateful for the time I have with him now. But that's not always true. I think you're in a rough place, Simin -- your own health issues & a distant dad who's not a man you've ever even felt close to. Everyone's path is so different, but the one thing that unites us all is that we are all in pain. Even at my mother's age, her death was totally unexpected and came two weeks to the day after I'd had to euthanize my beloved dog. There's just no way through all of this without the heart being broken open. For Simin & Michael, the wound is still so raw. My mother died in May, so I've had a little while to muddle through a few months of the journey. Now all of the anniversaries are popping up, and the grief comes again in tsunamis.

I don't know what you can do about your living situation, Simin. Likely, you'll have to stay put for a while. I've heard that one should never make any major decisions duing the first year after a major loss, and I think there is wisdom in that. It seems terribly cruel that you have to be there where everything reminds you of your mother, but maybe if you're there with her memories, you will be able to work through some of your sorrow more quickly? I think it will be so painful, so constant, with little relief. But to be around her things is, in a way, to be around her. I think you'll be surprised to find out that you're stronger than you think you are.

Comment by michael sandoval on October 25, 2012 at 3:07pm

Dear Dr Simin,

I've never been close to my Dad.  He is a man of few words.  Mom's illness brought my Dad and I closer while caring for mom.  Now mom is gone and I'm here with Dad and now I see him completely differently than I have my whole life.  He's the greatest man in the world and now I am fortunate to have this time to get closer to him.  he's 85 now and he's really sad without Mom, as we all are.

Love and blessings,

Mike

Comment by Dr S Gh on October 25, 2012 at 2:34pm

Sorry about all the typos but am so ill and tired i can barely type. Love to all xx

Comment by Dr S Gh on October 25, 2012 at 2:33pm

Thank you both Judy and Michael. I know my dad's very badly hurt but i've always had issues with being close to my dad, and now with mum gone i feel  we're drifting aprat even more. It's a terrible thing to say but if i had to chose i would have preffererd dad to be gone and mum to be here and as my dad is 8 years older than mum was i think it's so unfair that she had to go first. It's all a mess in my head. My feelings are all over the place and it's very confusing.

Yes Judy it's so hard to stay here whre my mum lived as there are so amny memories of her here and it just feels empty and deadly quiet without her here. I would like to move but that's easier said than done as prices here in London are so high it will be a big financial drain for me to move.

Comment by Judy on October 25, 2012 at 12:15am

I think our dads really struggle a lot more than we know. My dad is the "strong, silent" type, too, so I can't push him to be available for me when I'm in pain, and I can't make him talk about Mother because he would just fall apart. I think you're right, Michael. They deal with it in their own way. We have to find other sources of support and keep hugging our dads even if they can't hug us back.

I feel so badly for you, Simin. I'm sure you're going to freak out every time you try to go into that room. I don't know of anyone who could go through what you've been through and not feel like going nuts. I'm so glad you are hanging out with us. The people here are so gentle and kind, and they "get" it.

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