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Comment by James D on November 20, 2012 at 6:04pm

My birthday is this coming Friday (Yeah, Black Friday.) And it's going to be sadder than shit...my first birthday without my mom. Not to mention it seems the rest of my life is going to shit too. Any advice on that first birthday? 

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on November 20, 2012 at 5:08pm

if something were to happen to me tonight, i want to tell you all how great you have been with support over all this time....i hope to be ok....thats all i can hope for

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on November 20, 2012 at 5:01pm

im too young for this, and even though i miss my mom and all that, i want to live my life, a healthy one....

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on November 20, 2012 at 5:00pm

other people are making me feel helpless, i will tell them what is wrong and they are like "what are you gonna do?" making it seem so hopeless....im smart, but i have no idea why i feel the way i do, and i just want peace

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on November 20, 2012 at 4:57pm

hello, i do miss my mom, but im worried about myself and since i talked to you all on here all the time or when i can, then i thought this would be a good place to voice my concerns...im going thru stuff, mainly medical problems....its not known specifically whats wrong, but im not doing well....im not sure how to get thru it, or to feel better....im taking meds but they arent working....im a mess....i pray to god, i just wish i wasnt in this situation, i actually wish god would take me so i dont have to feel or go thru this, cause this is not life....any suggestions or advice would help me alot right now please

Comment by Brette Stinson on November 20, 2012 at 3:36pm

My question is How does God know that I am strong enough to go through this life alone without my parents to guide me.  Especially my mother what made me the chosen one to live this life that has been handed to me. I ask God that there is no such thing as Thanksgiving and Christmas for me because I don't have the people in my life to share it with. I feel so sad and depressed. My mother would not want me to feel this way but I can't help it I LOVE THAT WOMAN! MY mother!

Comment by Brad Busby on November 19, 2012 at 3:46pm

Heather, i am so sorry for the loss of you mom, i lost my mom August 30th and getting through the end of December is not going to be easy, especially since i have no family other than some cousins who i am not close to. i will spend the holiday's alone watching tv i suppose and trying my best to think if the great holidays we had in the past., i wish each and every one of you here a wonderful thanksgiving, i hope that you have special people to spend the day with and honor your mom's. take care everyone.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on November 19, 2012 at 3:31pm

as of December 8 coming up, it will be 2 years since my mom's passing....I dont think of her much, I have had a real hard time with that, cause when i do think of her, i think of not so good things....but she is still with me, and I'm going to see the Nutcracker on that day and she would love that....I miss you all, I have not been on, I have had positive changes in my life, I'm getting married, but I also have had poor health which I'm working on improving....I love you mom and I pray to god every day that someday I will see you again....love you so much....I will write soon....MERCY I LOVE YOU!  write me

Comment by Mark on November 19, 2012 at 2:37pm

And here come the holidays.  I envy Bears that hibernate as I'd like to do that starting today and then come out of that slumber a bit after the 1st of January. 

This is my first complete holiday season as an orphaned adult.  I handled last years christmas ( 10 days after her death ) Easter, mothersday ( pure hell ) and her bday in September but it's this cluster of time where it's all about family that is bothering me much worse then all the above. 

Last Christmas was a combination of shock that her journey was really over and relief that there was no more pain.  Now it's all very real.  This is what it's like forever.  She isn't coming back.  For some reason the intensity of what we were going through at this time last year is haunting me.  I need more time under my belt with all that.  Things happened very fast starting the day after Thanksgiving.  This entire year has been a learning curve on how to adjust to moms loss.  I'm thinking this last curve is the hardest as I won't be able to escape the remembrance of her actual dying stage while the holiday season was carrying on all around us.  I have to address it but don't want to and know it's going to be agony. 

Last year I'd rushed on Thanksgiving evening to put up a tree and the decorations instinctively knowing she probably wasn't going to make it to the 25th but said nothing.  She was hopeful.  I laid her on the couch and she instructed me where to put all the ornaments on the tree.  My back was to her most of the time.  She never knew each placement on that tree was killing me as I sobbed quietly realizing this would be our last time doing something like this.  Playing in the background was Linda Eder her favorite Christmas CD. 

I remember thinking back then how Ironic that moment was.  Up until that moment my most favorite childhood memory ever had been Christmas when I was 4 years old.  It was the one specific magical Christmas that every child has to beat all Christmases.  Last Christmas filed that good Christmas away and replaced it with a horrific strained agonizing christmas filled full of images that I just hate visiting in my mind. 

I had been thinking I could deal with it this year but this is going to be a huge challenge.   I opened up the closet door with all the decorations this past weekend and looked at them with disgust.  I actually felt physically sick.  It was then I realized what will be racing through my mind for the next 6 weeks.  I am going to have to finally address all that horror that I have pushed away every time.  I don't like to recall the details of her dying.  It's unbearable. 

So, I like to be the bear.  I do get why some drink their sorrow away.  Thank God I'm not a drinker or I'd probably be sitting on the couch pickled out of my mind thinking everyone on TV is a big huge fat balloon but at least the pain would be dancing in alcohol in the background. 

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.  I miss her so much.  I'm going to hate getting calls this week as the good deed invite to everyone's family gathering.  It honestly isn't about me it's about them and saying for one brief moment they did a nice thing for someone.  I don't want that role. 

Comment by Dr S Gh on November 18, 2012 at 4:39pm

Hi Heather, my mum died exactly the same way as yours on the 21st of September. You have my deeepest sympathy. Shock, disbelief, numbness, bewilderment doesn't even begin to describe whta i went through and still do every day. Love xx

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