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Comment by Ann on December 22, 2012 at 9:58pm

This is my second Christmas without my mom and it's worse than last  year.  I started crying at work and had a hard time stopping.  I just can't stand being without her.  

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on December 18, 2012 at 3:05pm

Hi everyone!  I'm sorry I haven't been on much lately.  I started doing a class in September plus my husband and I both have had continuing health problems, so I've had to slow down a bit on a lot of things.  But, I wanted to say thank you to everyone for all of your support during my grief and to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all of you.  I know for most of us it is hard to have a Merry Christmas or sometimes even to have hope for the New Year, so I hoped this poem might help some.  My Mom died on December 8, just shortly before Christmas, so Christmas has been very hard for me since (I find solace in buying for the kids, but I don't even care if I get presents or anything like that).  Someone gave me this poem, and it did help a little bit:

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

Comment by Sue Waxman on December 13, 2012 at 7:54am

Hello friends...I have not been on site for several months. I have been working very hard and just keeping busy. I lost my only parents June 26, 2010. Mother and I were very close and we share December 19th as our birthday. I try to find meaning and beauty in life but some days it is very hard as you all know. It remains impossible to understand life and death. We all are born, experience things good and bad and then our time comes and we leave this world to move on to the next. I get so tired some days of putting my best foot forward. i miss my mother so much it is so painful during the holidays. No holidays plans, no Christmas dinner, no Christmas shopping or Christmas movie to get excited about seeing. I have created a nice life for myself, I am very blessed with having a roof over my head, wonderful friends but there is a hole, a void in my soul. I am a Christian and I believe I will see her again in the next world. I know for all of us this time of year just hurts.

Comment by Judy on December 12, 2012 at 1:41am

Diana -- I'm just now reading how you lost your mother. That is really, really difficult. I can't even imagine. I feel really badly for you... I think it's so encouraging that she's coming to you in your dreams, however. I couldn't help but think of a yellow cab when I read your post, and in your picture, you're wearing that bright yellow dress!

Comment by Ken Earnest on December 12, 2012 at 12:17am

Jayne, I lost my mom on Oct 21 (not even 2 months ago) but it seems like she has been gone much longer. I am over the severe sadness I had I still have my little moments of grief. The thing that gets me through the days is the fact that I still feel her spirit is around me and it comforts me. I cant explain it but I feel her. I don't know if you are religious at all but I believe in Heaven and that my mom is there and I will see her again. Life is precious, death is mysterious and LOVE is all that matters. 

Comment by Diana on December 11, 2012 at 11:46pm

Only on two occasions, my mom came to me in a dream. It felt so real, the air was blowing on my face and the sun was shining. My mom looked normal carrying her shopping bags. Everytime in the dream, I find myself offering her a ride home, but she always says she is taking a cab....... now I know that the cab is the only one that can take her to heaven. My car cant go there........

Comment by Diana on December 11, 2012 at 11:40pm

I lost my mother almost four months ago. The pain is still there. I still cry in the dark to myself. All of the mental support of friends and family has worn off. I feel alone and I miss my mom. Worst of all , I didn't even get to say goodbye. That hurts so bad. The holidays are here and Im really lost in this world

 

Comment by Jayne on December 4, 2012 at 8:15pm

I am having such a hard time not having my mom anymore. I still cannot believe that she is not here. the pain is still bad, she passed away in July from Pancreatic Cancer which is so so bad of a disease. If anyone wants to talk let me know. I need to connect with others who understand this pain. Jayne

Comment by Judy on December 4, 2012 at 7:28pm

I understand how you feel. Mary. You will always wonder why there was no evidence of a problem, always think the docs should have known more. Mother's surgeon cut the vein from her leg too short for her bypass and discovered it after he'd removed her from the heart-lung machine. Had to re-anesthetize her and put her back on the machine while pumping her heart by hand. My father believes that is why she had four major strokes, and consequently, we had to take her off of life support. I will always wonder "what if," and will always wonder why no one figured out her problem before her arteries were blocked 99% on one side and 95% on the other. Finding out all of that wouldn't change anything, as you are realizing. I have to think your mother's memory problems were likely a symptom early on. It's too obvious to be coincidental. And even though that was a hard dream to have, I think it's great that she is coming through to  your subconscious. Maybe you'll start having more dreams of her now.... I miss my mother so much that my heart is in pain. I just got home from another visit with my dad and cried an hour or the two-hour drive.

Comment by Mary on December 2, 2012 at 4:26pm

The pangs come in unprecedented waves.  One minute I seem fine, feel fine, the next I am in tears.  I miss mom so very much.  I had my first dream about her last nite, it seemed so real, it was a flashback to last summer when she was just starting her radiation treatments and she was having some memory issues. We just attributed it to the radiation and everything she was going through.  Now I have to wonder if the brain tumor wasn't there the entire time.  I know finding out would not change the past or bring her back, but for some reason I feel the need to know.  It bothers me that she had 2 PET scans done and there was never mention of a brain tumor and brain masses, how can that be? Today I feel so empty.

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