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Comment by michael sandoval on February 6, 2013 at 9:55pm

Dear Nancy,

My condolences.  I understand what you are going through.  it sucks.

god bless,

Mike

Comment by Jaime Blythe on February 6, 2013 at 7:39pm

Hi everyone. New here, and trying to figure my way around the site. Lost my mom on October 16, 2012, from liver cancer. It's been really hard to deal with as I am an only child. I have a 5 yr old daughter, and am married to a wonderful man for going on 11 years.

Comment by Nancy L on February 6, 2013 at 12:40pm

My mothers room isn't like she left it.  It has been 50% of her stuff is already gone.  Not my idea.  I lost my mom and now I feel like I am losing my family too...IT is hard to deal with.  My mom is gone, my trust in my brother & sister are gone, the house I grew up in might be gone next.  All within 6 weeks.  It is not fair!!!  My parents worked so hard for their home.  I am sure my parents are so so so mad at my brother and sister!!  I can hear them fussing!! I am so trying to honor my parents memory.  Technically I can afford to buy the house, but it will definately be a financial burden for a while.  Is it worth it?  Plus I live 100 miles away. I just feel so torn. 

 

Comment by Ann on February 3, 2013 at 10:16pm

My mom died March 18th, 2011.  Her room is just like she left it.  Her boots are next to the bench she used to sit on when she was putting them on.  I spray her perfume on her bed every now and then when the scent begins to fade.  I feel like she is just away and not gone and I will be with her again.  Her room is the only place I feel at peace and I will never change it.

Comment by Mark on February 3, 2013 at 6:21pm

 

Judy we are kindred spirits :) I also have my moms comb and brush. They are in a zip lock bag and no one is allowed to touch or use them. Talk about preserving something valuable those two things are priceless to me. They each have her heads distinctive aroma on them. Not to mention her hair. The thing is I don't have any of her personal items on display nor do I daily go in and pay some homage to them. I just know they are there and safe with me. When I am looking for something or cleaning and pass by them some times I do stop and look through them and touch them and yes, smell them. It's my connection that I need at that moment. I'd probably blow a gasket if i saw someone just randomly touching them. The whole crutch's thing was strange to me that my neighbor would be angry but in being fair I'm sure there is no way she'd ever understand the journey those crutch's have taken. If they could talk they'd definitely have their own personality LOL. At one point as a little guy they were even a toy for me to use when not being used by mom. Stilts and even a rifle :) Sacred is definitely the correct word.

Comment by Judy on February 3, 2013 at 12:54am

Mark -- I feel the same way about certain things of my mother's, and no one, NO ONE, will be getting their hands on those items. Not family, not friends, not neighbors. At least not now. And maybe never! I do understand the sacredness of those things. I got my mother's hair brush off of the shelf in the hospital bathroom just before they wheeled her off to surgery. Some of her hair is still in it from the last time she ever brushed her hair. I have it in a special place in my home, and I don't care at all what people think if they see it. So, don't feel badly about those crutches. I totally get it. "Sacred" is the perfect word for certain items. Their value is transcendent.

Comment by Mark on January 31, 2013 at 6:04pm

Thanks for support and understanding.  Privately I feel so stupid for not having the strength to remove her belongings after a year but I can't explain the agony it creates.  I'm still shocked at how I actually became physically sick which is something I've never experience while dealing with moms loss.  It may be too final of an act that my soul just isn't ready for.  In some of her stuff is a pink pillow.  Hand stitched and a favorite of hers.  Naturally I picked it up and held it tight to my face and inhaled to see if it smelled like her and the smell was very faint but it was still her.  I said outloud that I was losing her smell since it wasn't as strong.  So I'm thinking doing this getting rid of stuff is too much for me subconsciously.  Her personal belongings are sacred to me if that makes sense?  Even down to the smallest handwritten notes to herself in the last month of her life.   She would practice writing simple words because she was afraid the cancer would metastasize to her brain.  The notes are heartbreaking knowing why they are written but they are also invaluable to me.

I did something last month I feel so guilty about. The neighbor lady next door hurt her foot and knew I have my moms crutch's.  Now people have to understand that my moms crutch's were her legs almost her entire life starting at the age of 9.  The last 10 years of her life were spent in an electric scooter but she still used the crutch's to stand with.   So for me those are mommys legs.  From the day we looked at each other they were a part of our unique life together.  They will never ever leave my presence.  And NO ONE is allowed to touch them.  When I told the neighbor woman no she could not use them she got real mad.  I told her I would personally take her where ever she needed to go to get a set of her own.  I'd even go and pick her up some but she stormed off.

I'm sorry but there are just certain things I can't let go of and can't allow strangers to touch. 

Comment by Nancy L on January 31, 2013 at 5:26pm

Yesterday was 4 weeks since we buried my mom.  It was a hard day. I had to take today off from work.  I just couldn't get out of bed this morning.  I so so so hope it gets easier. 
This weekend I am meeting my sisters at my moms to clean up.  I hope they don't want to go through her clothes and things!! We do need to go through the cabinets and clean them out but I couldn't bear to go through her clothes.  Unfortunately I was the one who gathered my mothers clothes undergarments for her to be burried in.  That was so hard to do!!!  I just shook...I too felt so sick to my stomach.  I can't tell you how many sprites I drank to settle my stomach. 

My mom didn't get to open her Christmas presents.  That still bothers me.  She asked me the day after Christmas if I opened them, I told her no, that when she comes home she can open them.  Well, that was the day she was taken to the hospital 2 days later she died. 

Christmas eve has always been a big celebration for my family.  We were all there but my mom was to sick to leave the nursing home that evening.  She told me it was okay that I should go be with everyone.  I left there crying so hard.  I didn't want to cry in front of my mom but I couldn't help it.  I keep thinking what are we going to do for Easter? for Thanksgiving for Christmas?  It is hard enough to bear that she is gone but to celebrate holidays without her???  I just don't know how I am going to do it!

The only thing that is really keeping me going is my son and beautiful ganddaugher.  I am truly blessed with them...plus I am going to be a grandma again in July.  One life ends, another life begins. 

Comment by Marie on January 31, 2013 at 1:01pm

Yes, agreed - on our own schedule and by our own means.

I was seeing a counselor when my mom was sick and shortly before she died but I stopped going after she died. I guess I did not want to talk about it to a counselor or anyone. I just wanted to grieve on my own and with my siblings. But, I have realized now going on 2 years that I have a very long way to go. So, I thought about going back but it is very expensive so I am grateful to have found this group because it is helping me so much in just the few days that I have been here. And, I am not shelling out $300 a month seeing someone!

Wishing the best to you all!

Comment by Marie on January 31, 2013 at 10:34am

Jennifer - I SO know what you mean and you are not alone! My mom actually worked in a building across from my house and most mornings we'd actually pass each other - me headed to work, and she headed to work. She would always beep and we'd waive. Or sometimes I would be beeping and she would never hear or see me! lol  It is still hard for me to pull out of my complex because I know she won't be driving down the street. I can barely look at the building anymore without tears.

I hope everyone can feel a little better by being in this group and sharing feelings that we can only understand. It is just so frustrating when people just assume that I am just automatically better. I am not better, and I probably won't be better for a long time. My heart still aches for my mom.

I had one lady ask me a few months ago "how long did it take for you to get over your loss". Seriously I could have punched her in the face at that very moment! It took all of me not to. I just said "when you lose your mom, come back and talk to me".  People can be so insensitive.

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