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Comment by Lucy Russo on March 6, 2013 at 8:33am

One month tomorrow and I still can't believe it. It is so hard to keep going and yet I know I have no choice. I feel this huge hole in my heart which will never heal. I hate the heaviness in chest all the time. Mornings are the worst because as soon as I open my eyes I remember it's real.

Comment by Eliza on March 5, 2013 at 11:46pm

3 long months. Miss you, Mom.

Comment by Jennifer Blackwood on March 3, 2013 at 7:01pm

It has been 1 year and a little over a month since Mom left. Does the counting ever stop? I have a deep hole in my heart and I feel so empty..does it ever end? My therapist is pretty much the only person I have on my side, every one else wants me to move on and get over it..I can't do that, she is my mother!! I haven't had a lot of dreams about Mom but I've had some. Some of them were like a family reunion but some of them were disturbing, she was being murdered on several different occasions. I'm just lost without her!!!

Comment by Jaime Blythe on March 1, 2013 at 9:48am

Happy birthday mommy,have a great birthday in Heaven.

Comment by Anne on March 1, 2013 at 7:00am

If Feb had a 29th day this year, it would have marked the 3rd month since my mom passed.  It hit me hard yesterday though, it was the day;Thursday that the 29th of Nov. fell on.  My therapist tells me I am heading into "complex bereavement".  I say....it's only been 3 months!  What is the deal?  Do I only get so many days, or months to grieve outwardly before it gets to be too much for people?  I have been seeing this therapist for a long time, for my PTSD and depression, so when she said that, I heard: "I am tired of hearing about it, let's get to work on what you are really here for."  Something inside of me just shut down..trust is big with me, and I just felt like the one person I have trusted through this whole process has shut me down.  Anger, sadness and just being over it is how I feel.  Mom would know what to say...and I can't talk to her and have her answer! :(

Comment by michael sandoval on February 28, 2013 at 10:13pm

My Condolences to everyone.

To Jaime, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Today marks 5 months since my mom passed away.  I cry all the time.  My mom was incredible and she is missed by many.  She was 81, so she had a full life with no regrets.  She was a "great" grandmother and great-grandmother and a wonderful mom and wife.  Her birthday is coming up on April 1st.  April Fool's Day.  I will try to play a trick for her. 

Comment by Jaime Blythe on February 28, 2013 at 3:23pm

I wish that I could/ would have dreams of my mom, but haven't yet, and come march 16, mom will be gone for 5 months. With the health problems that I'm dealing with, and soon undergoing a biopsy for cancer, it scares me so much.

I feel like with as close as I was to my mom, and being an EMT for 11 years, I had to let my license go due to my health. I had a back fusion and was never released by the doc to go back on the ambulance. Anyway, I feel like I failed my mom, I should have realized what was going on. Granted, I know that there were several docs,even surgeons, that didn't see anything. She went through many cat scans, MRI's, and other tests, and only after it got to be 8 cm did it finally become visible on the imaging tests. My husband is the ER doc that actually found that something was wrong. Of all people to have to tell my mom the news it was my husband. She called him her hero, and thanked him for possibly saving her life, yet it was too late to save her.

So on top of it all, I'm dealing with all the what if I had done this,or that.

Mommy, I'm so sorry I didn't realize what was happening. Granted I miss helping people as an EMT, but my head tells me that even if I could be back on the ambulance after missing your liver cancer, I shouldn't be on the ambulance anyway. I messed up big, and it costed you your life. After that, I should never be in a ambulance as a provider ever again. I miss and love you so very much. I hope you have forgiven me for screwing up and not realizing what was happening with you. Please come and let me see you again even if its just in my dreams. I love you mommy!

Comment by Nancy L on February 28, 2013 at 12:47pm

Today is 2 months since my mom passed.  I feel like a part of me is missing...I ache inside.  Last night was the first time that I had a dream about my mom.  She wanted a little bible or prayer book to take with her (not sure where she was going). She said she wanted it in case something happened.  In my dream she was the mom I remember.

I have been to my mom's grave 3 times.  It is very difficult to think of her body in the ground.  Like someone said, I know that is where people go, but it is so hard for me to accept. 

 

I broke down at work and cried a little while ago and just now.  Today is a difficult day.  Some days are okay.  It just makes me so so so so sad that my brother is being so ugly.  My mom would be so so angry at him, she trusted him to do the right thing.   It just breaks my heart.  She should be resting in peace, but I don't feel that she can with as ugly as my brother is being.  Not sure that makes any sense. 

 

I am sorry mom for not being the best daughter.  I should have called more and visited you more than I did.  I am sorry.  I miss visiting and planning where we were going to go eat dinner.  I love that you would watch nascar, football or dirty jobs with me. I remember how much you laughed at one of the dirty job episode even though we had see it before.  You would 'stay up past your bedtime' to be with me.  I miss you!

Comment by Jaime Blythe on February 27, 2013 at 10:54pm

The day after tomorrow, on March 1st will be my moms 55th birthday, her first birthday in heaven. How have some of you celebrated or did something in honor of your moms birthday?

My dad sent balloons up on valentines day, and is planning on getting a birthday balloon and send up. He sends them up to her, at her gravesite.

After two weeks after her burial, I stopped going to the cemetary. I just can't seem to bring myself to go there. Her stone is there of course now, and yet I haven't seen it yet. I feel like a horrible daughter for not going, yet I just can't bring myself to go. In some ways I feel a bit afraid I guess to see the stone with her dates on it. Have any of you had problems going to your moms resting place, and if so what did you find to help you get through those problems to go?

My dad has told me that he would go with me to the cemetary, but its not the problem of going alone. Yet my dad has been saying that he wants me to go to the cemetary soon.

My husband, Jim, seems to think that my dad is to the point that since he feels that he is doing better that I should be better as well. My dad is the type that he doesn't want to understand that everyone doesn't grieve the same way. If he's happy, so should everyone else, if he's mad so should everyone else. It's like once he's no longer upset, no one else should be either. That's the feeling my husband has said he has seen in my dad.

I want to feel more comfortable, I guess is the best wording for it, of going to the cemetary. Yet I'm unsure how to go about doing it. The last time I was there, I saw a spider crawling on top of her grave and I screamed at it to get off my mom. I don't even know why I screamed at the stupid spider.

Hope that you all are safe, and doing as well as can be expected. May God bless you all, and thank you in advance for any and all advise.

Comment by Lucy Russo on February 27, 2013 at 3:16pm

Melisa I feel the same way. I'm trying to move forward but everything is such an effort. Everything seems to lack joy.

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