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Comment by Judy on March 22, 2013 at 2:08am

I would have to disagree that you never did anything to be proud of in your life, Michael. There were likely many things you did that made your mother proud, but they probably didn't seem like much to you at the time. Like you said, great moms love us because they just love us. And you certainly gave her a monumental gift as she lay passing away. That heartfelt, genuine love you showed her was what she took with her when she left. You were such a good son, and you can bet that she's proud of you. Keep telling her how much you love her; maybe she can still hear you.

I think my subconscious can feel the first anniversary dates coming up, because I've been really sad. Mother died the day after Mother's Day, plus now, here comes Easter when we used to talk of the phone every year. She always sent two cards -- a silly one & a serious one. Now there will be none.

Comment by michael sandoval on March 22, 2013 at 1:55am

Dear Helder,

I know how you are feeling.  My mom passed in Oct of 2012 and I miss her so much.  I cry just about everyday.  sometimes harder than others.  I, like you, think a lot about my life with my mom.  the good times, and unfortunately the times i was difficult, obstinate, made her upset and was crabby.  I especially can't get over how frustrated I would get just before she passed, when her mind started to slip.  I wish I had acted better.  I did get to talk to my mom for three hours just before she passed, and that was life changing for me.  as she was slowly leaving us, I thanked her, praised, reminisced, and told her how amazing she was, I couldn't stop once i got started.  she squeezed my hand and i know she was telling me she was proud of me, even though I have done nothing to be proud of in my life.  6 hours later she stopped breathing and I kissed her and said, "God Bless you  Mom."

Great moms love us because they just love us.  I wish I could have told her more how much i loved her and how much she meant to me and I didn't wait till she was about to pass.  I want to tell her again and again how great she was and how much I love her.

God bless everyone,

MIke

Comment by Helder Silva on March 22, 2013 at 1:39am

I've been feeling a lot of guilt since my mom passed away this past January 26th. I can't shake the feelings of remorse when I think about how I could have been a better son. I think about the times when I was angry with her as a teenager and how many times I crabby when I had to run her errands.

I think about leaving my hometown when I got married and being away from my mom. I saw her at this past Christmas, but I feel guilty I wasn't there the day she passed away. I feel that I somehow could have stopped her death from happening just by being there.

I enjoyed talking to my mom on the phone and the desire to call her, just like many who have posted, is so strong. I don't ever think I will forget her phone number. When we spoke on the phone, my mom would often comment that it was cold in her room, although I know it was like a furnace there....she just really liked the heat.

She passed away during winter and her funeral was on an especially cold day. The thought of my mom in the cold ground just ripped my heart apart. I still can't believe this has happened. They say it gets easier, but I seem to miss my mom more and more.

Everything reminds me of her and now that both parents have passed away (my dad died in 1986), I feel I've lost a part of myself....like the roots of the tree have withered away and the foundation I stand on is no longer firm.

I wish life had a rewind button, because I would love to go back and relive my life with my mom.

Thanks for listening.

Comment by Jeff R on March 21, 2013 at 10:43pm

thanks.  I take some solace in the fact that her struggles w/her disease are now over...the last 10yrs, the last 5 in particular, were very difficult for her.  I was speaking to a colleague in a similar position re: eldercare.  Your life revolves around making sure your parent is cared for, fed, etc., etc. and then it's suddenly over.  It's a rough shock to the system.  I lost my dad when I was a kid--he was only 50-- and because of that I always had this fear that my Mom would die when I was young. She lived much longer than I expected, yet I think I probably miss her even more :-(

Comment by James D on March 21, 2013 at 10:11pm

The farther away I get from my mom's death (September 2012), the easier it seems to get. Don't get me wrong, not a day goes by where I don't think about my mom, and I still get sad...but I realize that she's not in any pain anymore and that she'd never want me to be so constantly sad all the time. Still...I feel like something's wrong. That I shouldn't be this far ahead. I don't think I'm bottling anything up but I feel like something's going to bite me in the behind. 

Comment by michael sandoval on March 21, 2013 at 9:43pm

Dear Jeff,

My deepest condolences.  I understand how you are feeling.  God Bless.

Comment by Amanda on March 21, 2013 at 9:07pm

Jeff-everyone does grieve different. Personally, I did better the first 2 weeks of her passing than I am now. My mom was 54 and passed away of cancer in August 2012. I cry every night and I miss her more than ever. Everything reminds me of her. Like you said I feel such a void!! Like a big empty space in my life!! I'm 30 and hate that I have to go on without a mom.

Comment by Jeff R on March 21, 2013 at 8:36pm

so, when does "time heal all wounds"?  I lost my Mom on Feb 12th, 2013 and it's a struggle to get thru each day.  She was elderly, almost 87, and suffered from parkinson's disease; the last year was a struggle for her.  But, she passed on abruptly and I had no chance to say goodbye.  I don't know, people think it shouldn't matter so much if your parent is old, but perhaps it's the reverse. I had my Mom with me for a very long time, longer than I expected.  Now that she is gone, there's a huge void.  And yet, I feel some relief as I was responsible for her care, which was a tremendous burden, physically, financially and emotionally.  I don't know, are these feelings normal?  At the end of each day, I just fall apart.  Everyone says "it will get better"...really?

Comment by Nancy L on March 21, 2013 at 8:04pm

I am thinking about you Mary. I haven't made it to 3 months, I can't even imagine what one year will be like.

Dr S Gh...hang in there.  Hopefully those thoughts will pass soon.

Karen, please feel free to express your grief here.  Even if someone doesn't reply, we are reading what you have to say.  I am good at pushing things down deep too, but losing my mom is a very raw emotion for me.  I cry...not everyday, but I do cry.  I had a good cry earlier.

Shawna, I too feel like I make progress and then I take many steps back.  I feel almost like i have to start the process over.  I wish I could hide from the world.  I was just looking at going to the beach for several days.  Going to the beach is my escape.  Even if it is still cool listening to the waves helps me relax.  I want to go alone...so i can cry if and when I want to and not feel like I am burdening someone. 

This last may me and my sisters were going to take my mom to the beach for a girls get-a-way. Unfortunately we did not go, my brother-in-law had to have surgery. We had said that if all of us couldn't go that none of us were going.The next month is when we found out my mom had cancer.  Six months later she died.  I so wish we would have taken my mom!!!  I regret not going!!!!  I regret so much!

 

Okay, I just realized I am rambling...

Comment by Mary on March 21, 2013 at 4:58pm

Tomorrow it will be 1 year since my mom passed away.  I miss her so very much.  I would give anything for one hug from her.  To hear her voice.

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