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Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 11:18pm

Luis, my mom died of COPD as well. That is a horrible thing to watch. You have made a lot of progress. Being loved by someone is the greatest blessing in the world. You have your daughter and now you have a good man. God Bless you.

My mom was my North Star as well. Just about everything you wrote hits home.

The holidays are so hard. My mom died on Christmas Eve. I found out she was going to die on Thanksgiving day. Her sister called me and told me no to think about that. I told her, "How can I not think about it? I watched my mom die by the light of a Christmas tree." I sat with my mom's body, listening to Christmas music, until the funeral home came for her. Because it was Christmas eve it took about two hours. I just sat there. Her little dogs were curled up next to her not knowing what had happened. I will never forget. There is no way to not think about it.

As for your dad... you are right. I don't think he can help it. I am sure that you feel an obligation as his daughter, but you also have to take care of yourself. There are people in life who will try to rob you of your joy. If you do continue to have a relationship with him, be patient, but do not give him the power to take away the progress that you have made.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 11:03pm

SeLV, I completely understand and I wasn't referring to you. We have a group of people who have posted here for a long time. The support has been great, but I know that I feel a responsibility to speak up if I have any shot of actually helping someone. We are a little family. I have a brother who is a drug addict. You should hear how I talk to him. I supported and encouraged him as long as I could. When I realized that he wasn't going to listen, I had to walk away. I told him that if he was going to kill himself it wouldn't be with me watching.

Theresa was right to tell Virginia to stop. We have all lost our moms. We are all hurting, and we are all trying to keep our heads above water.

Virginia, your fatalistic attitude is dangerous. And it can be as dangerous as my brother's drug addiction. You have conveyed many veiled threats of suicide. There is nothing that any one of us can do from behind a computer screen. All we can do is beg you not to do it. There comes a point that, if you are going to continue this, you need to talk to your therapist, and you need to tell him or her that you don't think life is worth living.

Posting things like, "Don't tell her she's not dead", is not helping anyone. You are among a group of people who are hurting, who also lost their moms. You are very much alive. If you don't believe me, touch an oven burner with your hand, and then tell me that you're not alive. Wake up! Be your own advocate. Fight for your life! Fight for happiness. Hug your dog. Do whatever it takes to begin the healing process. You have given yourself a self imposed punishment that will only drag you down into a dark pit. You know that, but you do it anyway because you think you deserve it. You are a victim. You are the victim of a traumatic event, the loss of your mom. We all are victims of something that we could not control. But there is life yet to be lived, whether we want it or not. I hope that you can get it through your head that you were in any way responsible for your mom's death, and that life is worth living, but if you don't, just like my brother, it won't be with me watching. 

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 26, 2018 at 10:27pm

Greetings to all. It’s been a long time since I last posted something. on August 30th 2018 it was one year since I lost my Mom. She died of COPD and I was there with her. I am realizing how denial had a strong grip on me during the first year that Mom was gone. Now that the holidays are here again, I feel sad and lost, like my world is unraveling at the seams. My Mom was my North Star. She always knew what to say when I was struggling or felt out of touch. She was there for me, until the very end. I have a lot of guilt now, about not being a better daughter. I am feeling such deep pain, and I don’t want to feel it. Since she passed, I met someone... He sort of swept me off of my feet, and we bought a house together this summer. He is a good man, good to my daughter, and he has two kids of his own. Moving out of my old house was so stressful, and now I’m trying to sell it. I’m wondering if I sort of unconsciously chose all of this change in an effort to distract myself from the pain of grief. I also felt so alone when she died. Maybe I was just looking to not feel that way.

Now my life is so different that I barely recognize it. It’s not bad, I have all of the things that I thought I wanted, and I work at staying grateful...But I am not healed from the loss of my Mom. More than anything I want to be able to call her on the phone and tell her all about my life and what has happened since she passed. I mean really talk to her and hear her voice. I miss her unbearably.
I have a very difficult relationship with my Dad. He is a very mentally and physically sick person. I have avoided talking with him for the past couple of months. I feel too vulnerable. He is unpredictable and can say hurtful things.
I am angry sometimes because he is the parent that I have left. I feel like our broken relationship is staring me in the face. It’s not really his fault that he has been so angry and abusive, as he is truely a sick person. So I feel guilty keeping him mostly out of my life. I don’t know what to do...

Comment by SelV on November 26, 2018 at 6:33pm

Oh well Brett...I am not an authority on life and death and I do not subscribe to any organised religions. All I know is that I lived in my mum's womb for 9-10 months and she had all always been there for me after I came out from her till her last breath. So when she died she took part of me away. I cannot quantify the part in fraction or percentage.

For those whose lives revolved around our mothers especially as caregivers, 24/7, the loss of our mothers and the accompanying pain cannot be explained by mere words. So we cry, feel guilty, express our regrets, get angry and sometimes think, say or write things without thinking due to overwhelming grief. This process comes and go, comes and go. 

The purpose of life is to live. The worthiness of it is an individual perception based on one's life experiences.

Right now, I exist because I have not made peace with myself and have not come to terms with my mother's death. I had her with me for almost 57 years...the good, the bad and the ugly!

Good day everyone!

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 26, 2018 at 3:20pm

SeLV, you are right that we should all encourage each other, but we have to be responsible as well. I will not encourage the notion that life isn't worth living. 

Comment by M Adams on November 24, 2018 at 2:12pm

Coincidentally I was just writing something about a strange slip of the tongue that was happening to me after my husband died.  It eventually stopped, then started happening again in the weeks after my mother's recent death -- found myself saying 'when I died' instead of 'when he died,' or 'when she died.'  I guess this feeling of having died is part of the experience when we lose someone that we are so bonded with, that some part of us doesn't distinguish between self and the beloved person, and suddenly we have to acknowledge that separation, but it may take time to catch up with the new reality.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 24, 2018 at 10:21am

After I loss my mom I told a few people that I died when my mom did. I was wrong. I still got hungry and cold. I still love my dog. It's a reality that we all have to live with. We are alive. What we do with that life is up to us.

Every day, we can look for even the smallest inkling of joy, or we can just let the grief consume us. We have a choice to make. It may not seem like we have a choice. There are some things that are unavoidable. Yearning for our moms like a child, missing our moms, that may always be, but if we choose to punish ourselves, there will come a time when even good people people will walk away from us because they know that we are wrong to do so. They know that our mothers would not blame us for their deaths. The reality is that everyone dies. We may be prepared for our own death, but we will probably never be prepared for the death of the person we love the most.

Comment by SelV on November 24, 2018 at 7:37am

Dear all...let's go easy on everyone here.

The gravity of our grief is correlated to the extent of our relationship with our mothers as well as the circumstances of their death. The guilt and regrets will always be there.

We come to this virtual community to share our pain because out there in the real world people could be judgemental. We could be burdening them or dragging them down with our grief. They probably had enough. 

Brett, you are right...I am alive and could still feel otherwise I will not be crying for my mum. The grief is stronger than me. I am not living but just merely existing because I am still breathing. I pine and yearn for my mother like a little girl everyday. 

Meanwhile, everyone...let's support each other with kind words until we can wrap up our mortal business in this world.

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Comment by Theresa on November 24, 2018 at 5:51am

Virginia

Stop it!!!!

We are all in the same situation here, you have got to stop because you mom will not be able to rest in peace trust me.

Look my mom died before I could get there she went in CA, imagine if you were me pulling into the hospital and getting a call from a nurse saying "your mom is is full cardiac arrest, do you want us to do CPR" WTF, I couldn't get out the car fast enough, but too late, never said I love you mom, I live with that every single day of my life, now I have an 11 1/2 year old Labrador who is getting closer to the end of his life, I keep saying to myself ok, this will be "the new normal"

I don't like people anymore, when they are happy I'm like wish I could be like that, but then I think of my mom always happy and compassionate, giving, I need to wake up!

I lean on my faith 100%, I pray please help me God, please, and I'm sure he is, and I know I will see her again, when it is my time.

Comment by Virginia G on November 24, 2018 at 2:20am

Don’t tell her she didn’t die.  I feel dead and maybe so does she.  If nothing matters, might as well be dead.  If you don’t want to experience anything without them...don’t want to tell things to anyone else...don’t have any feelings for anything else...might as well be

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