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Comment by Brett Bowman on January 2, 2019 at 1:07am

I think those are great resolutions. Exercise makes you feel better. I love to lift, and the time that I spend in the gym is the best part of my day.

Avi, I have really high hopes for you. You have all the tools (blessings) to be happy. You lost your mom but you welcomed a child into your life. If there is anyone that we can love as much as we love our moms, it's our children. I don't have any kids, but what a blessing that would have been to have filled the void in my life with a child. You have a life partner (your wife) to go through the days with, and to spend the holidays with, someone who cares if you ate today, or if you have clean clothes or not. Someone who is waiting for you to come home safely. And someone who is only an arms length away. You have a career, a purpose. Your guilt is certainly real, and I understand it, but you obviously love your mom, and if I know that, I can guarantee you that she knows that. Allow yourself to be happy. The Lord has blessed you with an abundance.

If we (all of us) could combine all that we have, we probably wouldn't need to be on this site. I may have something that someone else wishes that they had. Some would say that I had the perfect ending with my mom. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about Theresa's last visual of her mom. One of us, I can't remember who, found out that her mom died on Facebook. That is beyond horrible. M. Adams is dealing with the loss of both her husband and her mom. But I still have holes in my life that are bigger than the Grand Canyon. Maybe we all do. I don't know. I can only speak for myself. I hope I am alone there.

I hope and pray that the void each of us has in our life can and will be filled. I think of you all as family.

Comment by Avi on January 1, 2019 at 11:55pm

Yes Brett. Agree. 

Today I start the first day in office with below resolution 
MMS (Meditation, Muscle i.e. to exercise and Smile). I hope all these help overcome my grief and guilt. 

Wishing you all a great year ahead. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 1, 2019 at 12:23pm

Avi, I thought about that as I posted. We all have different experiences. Theresa didn't get to say goodbye to her mom, and I know how you feel about your last days with your mom. We have a saying in the church, "Robbing Peter to save Paul." Basically it means trading one thing for another with no clear advantage. While I did my best with my mom, I could probably list 100 other ways in which I came up short. My mom's death was like a nuclear warhead going off. I survived, but I feel like the world as I know it has been destroyed. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and am not succeeding. For all of my great memories of that time, I also have so many traumatic memories as well. And what's scary is that you realize that life doesn't wait for you to pick up the pieces. It just keeps coming at you. Quite often I just want to give up but I can't. We have to keep plugging. Somehow, we have to keep trying. 

Comment by Avi on January 1, 2019 at 11:39am

Brett, the feeling that your mom loved when you took care for her is amazingly pleasing as I do not have the same feeling. 

I would easily lived with this feeling the rest of my life but unfortunately for me it is not the case. I think she may have thought that I have not taken good care of her. In the last few days I was there but I feel guilty of not able to understand her illness clearly and made her last few days very painful. I was trying to save her but it never worked. 

Wishing you all a very happy new year. For me 2018 was worst than 2017. My mother's critical illness was detected in 2017 but she died in 2018 so I consider both of these year as devastating for me. I hope to find peace in 2019. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 1, 2019 at 1:00am

I felt that as well. There were times when my mom would bounce back and be able to drive and shop and take care of herself. Those were such good times. It always culminated with mom and I watching television at the end of the night, laughing over the same episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond over and over again. I just enjoyed my mom's company. She was my best friend, and then couple that with our dogs, I couldn't have asked for anything more. I will miss that for the rest of my life.

And then the gratitude. When the chips were really down, my mom was so grateful that I was there for her. If I just got her a glass of water, I could see it in her eyes. Once I heard her talking on the phone to one of her sisters. She said, "I couldn't ask for better care. If I so much as cough he is standing over me." That just made my heart leap. My mom was a single mom who did it all for us, and even if it were only one of her children, she seemed so pleased that I was trying to give back. It always kind of surprised my mom that a man could be tender. She trusted me so much and that meant the world to me.

Comment by M Adams on January 1, 2019 at 12:24am

In my case the gift was being able to help my mom and to be with her.  Despite her health challenges there was a lot of joy in our relationship, joy that is gone from the house now.  Very empty here without her spirit of celebration and gratitude.  I’m realizing that being there for her death, holding her hand as she died, was not as important to me as being there in the years before when we were so close and shared so much.  I am grateful to have been there at the end, and it was my honour and responsibility, but it was also traumatic, a trauma that those who choose not to help are spared.  

My mom and I played scrabble together a lot — since her death I have not played. Tonight, though, thought I would try to play with my brother as a sort of ritual, and found the board mysteriously broken.  Not a big deal but brought tears.  Never know what will do that these days.

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 31, 2018 at 8:51pm

Being my mom's caretaker was the greatest blessing of my life, but it has some with a cost. I wouldn't trade with my brother's and sister in anyway shape or form. When they remember mom, I'm not sure what they remember. I mean, they have memories, but not like what I have. I could not have gotten more from my relationship with my mom, and I was fortunate enough to be with her until her dying breath, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's not easy for any of us. Far from it.

Comment by SelV on December 31, 2018 at 8:07pm

Indeed Brett, sadness personifies us. 

My five siblings have returned to their more or less 'normal' life with their spouses, children or pets and work, social life. Mum was never a long term responsibility for them. I cannot be angry with my siblings or envy them at all. I am happy for them...at least they do not have to wallow in the grief for this long. How long for me...I don't know. Let nature takes it course.

Comment by Avi on December 31, 2018 at 6:02am

Yes well said Brett. Just looking this new year eve as yet another day. Hope to see the light at the end of tunnel. 

Hugs to all friends here and thanks for your continuous support. Will love to talk to you guys over phone or skype someday. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 31, 2018 at 1:23am

Hugs to you, Crystal. I'm right there with you.

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