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Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 3:16pm

SelV, I hope that this will make sense to you. I feel like my mom and I were on a journey. Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died. I have to go on by myself now. I can't stay in the same place and wait for her. She's not coming.

Comment by M Adams on January 5, 2019 at 3:07pm

For me, feelings about things breaking and needing repair after bereavement seem to have been all mixed up.  When my husband died I found myself compelled to fix all kinds of broken things, chinaware, crystal and glass, wooden, cloth, all sorts of things that had been damaged and put aside.  At the same time I felt and feel tragic and incapacitated about bigger things that I couldn’t fix on my own inside the house.  The fence collapsed, problems developed with the car that my husband loved, the brick front stairs cracked, boards failed in the porch floor, one of the electrical switches in the bathroom broke, the receiver in my husband’s sound system suddenly went dead, the windowbox fell off...I haven’t arranged to fix any of these, feel like I can’t face it.  Just keep living in the increasingly broken environment.  Of course I’m not here much but it’s not just because of that, it’s a feeling of vulnerability.  At the same time, having your home become increasingly exposed with collapsed fences and so on also makes you feel vulnerable and literally exposed.  Since my mother’s death I notice the same desire in myself coming back again...find myself at my parents place buying special glues to fix various broken things, polishing silver, etc.  Very upset when my father kept advocating throwing everything in the trash, like he wants to throw our life, my mother, our whole history away.  My reaction is not reasonable, I know, but when I saw the Christmas ornaments restored and back on display, I felt better and it’s possible that my father did too.  I noticed he sent a bunch of pix of the restored Mrs. Santa and her reindeer, etc., to sundry friends and relatives, anyway.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 10:12am

SelV, a lot of similar things happened to me. In my case I don't believe it was energy. I think it was lack of energy on my part to not fix those things. Our motion lights outside the house died first. Replacing light bulbs is a natural part of life, but every time one died, I felt like I had lost another part of my mom. The big one for me was when an ice tea maker shorted out. My mom had given that to me as a Christmas present the year before she died. She was really proud of it because, somehow she was able to get in her car and go buy it without me knowing. That was the last Christmas present she had gotten me. I cried like a baby before throwing it away. I felt like I was throwing a part of my mom away. More and more, appliances that I still have, that once belonged to my mom will die. That is always hard. It is especially hard in the beginning, because it means that the life I had with my mom is going away. It's no picnic now either.

Comment by SelV on January 5, 2019 at 6:22am

Thanks Brett...thank you so much for the support and encouragement. The only think I can promise for now is that I will still breathe until it is time.

Things happened before my mum passed on and after. 

1. Two weeks before Mum passed on, fridge's lamp blew and I replaced it but it did not light up. The fridge still works...half dead though. It was my mum's favourite object as she kept all her favourite perishable and non-perishable foods in it.

2. Then the wall clock stopped working. Replaced the batteries but still did not work. Had to check the mechanism and realised it was jammed. Self-repaired it.

3. Three weeks into her death, her bedroom lights(4 month old) blew. Till now I have not changed it.

4. Then in April, my reliable old CRT TV started to act up. My mum used to watch all her favourite shows on it. After I had switched it on, it will switch on and off by itself. Sometimes the screen would just go blank or full of rainbow colours. It was crazy. I had to let it go.

5. Then my trusted car gave trouble in July. My mum would always sit beside me as I drove her places. I had to kiss it goodbye like I did it to my mum before her coffin was pushed into the crematorium.

6. My mobile phone acted up in August too. I had to get a new one. 

This is classic...on 1 Jan 2019...just a few days ago, the one year old corded phone went dead. My sister-in-law bought it for her and my mum was so proud of her. 

I don't know what to make out of it but literature and some humans say spiritual energy and electricity/energy are connected. 

I am just so sad that one by one things associated with my mum died. Not only I but even these non-living things loved and missed my mother. 

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 12:54am

Bluebell, if you are still reading... I miss you.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 12:53am

SelV, I am also a Personal Trainer. I used to live in the gym, pretty much. When mom needed me most I could no longer go there. That was okay. Mom needed me. It took me two years after my mom's death to get back there. I just didn't have the energy or motivation. That is one of the things that the throes of depression will do to you. I couldn't/wouldn't do the thing that I most enjoyed. That was a big mistake. I just came back from the gym and it felt great. It's doing the little things, getting back to the normal paces of your life, even taking a shower, cooking a meal instead of making a sandwich, all little things that add up to so much. I don't even want to brush my teeth sometimes. I really believe that all of those things are baby steps that we have to take to reclaim our lives.

Even the high I get from exercising makes me feel bad because I start feeling guilty for feeling good! As you said, "My Foot!!" My attitude about exercising, and just living my life, is what I call "Stinking Thinking."

I don't know much. I don't know how to be happy, but I do know that we have to live our lives. To find any sense of normalcy we have to do all of the little things that were once normal for us. Nothing good can come from me sitting around the house with oily hair and bad breath. 

We have to take care of ourselves. Do you yoga and your breathing exercises. Do it today. That is a great baby step.

 

Comment by SelV on January 4, 2019 at 5:29am

New year, new beginnings 'they' say...

I say...my foot!

M Adams and Brett...you shared lovely stories and wonderful experiences about your mother in one of your posts. I was very touched.

I reiterate this again Brett...you are actually a boon to your mother. Very few sons will take care of their mothers and still yearn and pine for them after their demise. I salute you!

Avi...I concur with Brett. You have a beautiful family. Somehow I feel you can see your mother in your daughter cos you are your mother's son. Talk to your daughter about her paternal grandmother...your mother's beauty, her goodness, her love for you. She needs to know.

Theresa, I too cry myself to sleep every night. Can't help it can we?

When my mother was around, I was doing yoga and pranayama(breathing exercises) for many years before going to work. Everything has come to a standstill now. Even going to work has become a drag. I will be retiring in a few years time though.

I am just existing till I cease.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 2, 2019 at 8:19pm

Theresa, I think there is more to it than not having lost their parents yet. It's a general lack of empathy that is pervasive in society. A lot of people are so wrapped up in their own lives, children, family, and career. It takes a rare and very compassionate person to be able too see how much another person is struggling. It's like we can't appreciate what it is to be hungry until you can't afford food. We don't know what it means to have shelter until you lose it. It's a real lack off compassion. And it's kind of scary, because if you are on the outside looking in, help is hard to find.

Comment by Theresa on January 2, 2019 at 6:22am

Avi, you know meditation is wonderful, I need to get back to yoga, it did wonders for me after my mom passed.

Brett I agree with everything you say, I am happy to have somewhere to go an express my sorrow, my friends, family don't care, you know why because my friends have no idea they still have both parents.......

Comment by Avi on January 2, 2019 at 4:24am

Thanks Brett for the lovely words. 

Where is Virginia?

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