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Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 11:03pm

I had a sad thought today. I remember one Christmas, I wanted a digital wrist watch. Believe it or not they were new at the time. My mom got one for me for Christmas. I wore it to bed and I kept waking up to press the little button so the watch would light up, and I could see what time it was. I just keep thinking, my mom was a single parent. She worked hard and always got us what we wanted most at Christmas. At some point she had gone to the mall after work and got that for me. It wasn't expensive or anything, but it still means the world to me. To be loved that much, and to think, if I had wanted to I could have gone into my mom's room and lay down beside her. I did that a lot when I was little, whenever I was lonely or scared.

I can't do that now. I wouldn't crawl up beside her in bed now, but I would sit next to her and I would tell her how horrible it has been without her. And I would thank her for everything she did for me, and apologize for all of the bad things. The thing is, I want to go home. I want to get in my car and drive back to the 70's or 80's. I can't.

I miss my mom. I miss feeling safe and loved. I went to church today and cried at the altar. That's the closest I can come to my mom now. It's just not enough. I need to put my head in her lap and cry. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 12:25pm

A large part of my grief is self-inflicted because I always see the worst case scenario now. I project. There are many people who, as if the grief of losing their mom wasn't enough, who will feel the need to punish themselves even further. Primarily through guilt. I went out to dinner a few nights ago with friends. I would start laughing, and there was a part of me that would suddenly think, "I shouldn't be happy. I'll never see my mom again." It's an emotional roller coaster. My mom's death is the origin of this, but I also play a role in it. It's a vicious cycle and sometimes we have to fight for happiness.

Comment by SelV on January 6, 2019 at 6:49am

Totally Avi...

Losing one parent is hard. Losing your second parent is harder still. When it happens to be your mother, lo and behold, it is the most painful and cruelest(like Brett mentioned) reality that slaps a son or daughter. Maybe I am just on survival mode. Come what may...I don't give two hoots now!

Brett, it took me four months before I went back to work. I took half load for half pay from July to Dec last year. I am on full load now. Going to work takes my mind off. Of course, I come home and grief...ha!

People advised and still advise me to do this, do that...I hear them but both the spirit and flesh are weak. When I am ready, my heart will tell me so.

Self-inflicted grief? Now, that's something new!  

I grief because my mother died. You grieved and maybe still grieving because your mother died. It is an emotional pain of losing someone who was our heart and soul. 

Comment by Theresa on January 6, 2019 at 6:39am

I have been trying to live in the moment, because as we all know especially me, tomorrow might not come.

I spend way too much time worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next, its a vicious cycle.  For me it is difficult to live in the moment.

I have to say I look back on the past three years since my mom died and yes there are things I should have could have done differently.  I cry still because I miss her, I have come to peace knowing I will always miss her.

It is hard to put in words how I feel, my mom was all I had, we were extremely close, being that she had me when she was 42.

But I am realizing the way she passed was more than likely what she would have wanted, for me not to have to take care of her even though I would, it was in an instant, in my head I go over and over my last conversation with her on the phone, and thirty minutes later she was gone.  I was waiting for her to wake up when they were doing CPR, thinking ok she will be ok. No that is not how it went.

I still question myself for not doing an autopsy at my brothers request, because I am the type person that wants to know why-so that being said my mind is like a popcorn machine with thoughts of why did my mom go in CA, what caused it, I will live with that forever.  Her doctor says it was her blood pressure, ok maybe, but there was something else I just know it and I keep looking for the answer.

Brett something strange right after my mom passed I continued practicing Yoga everyday, it helped my mind, but guess what, I have just stopped for no apparent reason, just stopped, I keep saying today I will go to class, I do not know why I don't, but I don't.....

Excuses I guess.

I just keep doing the same thing everyday, go to work, do household chores, take care of the dog, go to bed.  It is what it is I guess.

I can tell you all what I would really like to do is move somewhere warmer, that does not get winter snow.  Maybe one day.

Comment by Avi on January 6, 2019 at 3:37am

Selv. I agree with your points that if we survived our mother's death then what else life can throw on us. I have also became highly tolerant after my mother's death as I have seen the biggest pain so nothing hurts much now. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 6, 2019 at 1:35am

I'm in a unique position (grief wise). I have no idea how to get better but I can look back over the past three years and see changes that I would make if I could do it again. That may sound like an odd things say (do it again. post mom) In some sad way I prefer those days because everything about my mom was so fresh. Her voice, her face, everything. It made me feel close to mom even though she was gone. I wish that I had gotten back into the swing of  things so much earlier. It took me two years to go back to the gym. It took me about a year to start working again, and then when I did go back to work, I settled for a lot less than I should have. I wish that I had started to reclaim my life earlier. A lot earlier. I know you haven't lost your mind. Far from it. But you are grieving, and that can make you shut down in ways that you may not even realize now. After my mom died, a friend of mine contacted me. She is a brilliant girl but she has suffered through severe depression. Her advice to me was to go to the store, go for a walk, drive past familiar places. I was reluctant to do the last part because so many places reminded me of mom. She told me to drive a little further each day. Of course, she told me to get back  to the gym. All that made some sense then, but it makes a whole lot of sense now. That's how you go from just existing to living again. You know, I really believed that I would die of a broken heart after mom died. Well, it's three years later and I'm as healthy as a horse (I think). I was waiting for the cosmic big bus to come and get me. Didn't happen. At first I wish that I had learned to live for my mom because that is what she would have wanted, and now I wish that I would live for myself, too. I'm learning. I hope it takes. Losing the person you love the most causes tons of grief, but a lot of our grief is also self inflicted. I know mine was and is. I hope and pray that you will have a better experience than I did.

Comment by SelV on January 6, 2019 at 1:07am

No worries Brett, I only lost my peace not my mind. I get the drift.

Mum and I in our little world is in the past. I am fully aware of that.

Now, it is just me and I in this big bad wolf...oops...I mean world.

Let life throw whatever challenges at me. I had survived Mum's death. so...what could be worse?

My plate is full with work and housework...ha!

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 8:07pm

In the end I would cry too frequently in front of my mom. It worried her a lot. Once I went to a restaurant and got my mom's favorite food. She was all excited, until I put it in front of her. She wouldn't touch it. I said, "Mom, please eat something for me! Please!" She wouldn't do it. I bawled right in front of her. She tried to make it better. She told me that she had eaten part of a banana for breakfast.

Once, my sister, who rarely showed her face during mom's sickness, caught me crying in front of mom. She came into my room and told me that it was selfish of me to do that in front of mom. It was all I could do to not just pick her up and throw her out of the house. She had no idea what it was like.

But I think you understand the point that I was trying to make. At some point, you have to go on without your mom by your side. It's the cruelist thing in the world, but it has to be done. Keep her in your heart forever, but move forward. For your own sake... move forward.

Comment by SelV on January 5, 2019 at 7:09pm

"Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died."

Brett, I can totally relate to the above. Eyes just welled up. Mum couldn't eat, couldn't walk much, couldn't even have proper conversations. She was sleeping most of the times. It was the last leg of her journey. Watching once a robust, healthy, beautiful woman turned into...

It pained me and I cried in front of her sometimes. But that old lady was a rock. She would chide and sometimes beat me with her palms in a friendly manner. She couldn't bear to see me crying. 

She doesn't know that I am still crying. She's at peace and I lost mine. 

This life journey, the longest that I took with Mum from the day I swam in her womb till I watched her(bones and ashes) 'swimming' back into the sea...taught me that the love for my mother never dies! 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 3:32pm

M, I am very familiar with that feeling of vulnerability. My mom wasn't exactly a handy person, but when something broke, my mom would have it fixed. Nothing in our home stayed broken for long. When things started  to break I felt very vulnerable. A lot of things I just didn't know how to fix. I wasn't even sure who my mom would have called when she needed repairs. I also felt like I had let my mom down. She entrusted me with that house. One thing I know for sure though. At the end of my mom's life she wasn't worried about the house. She was worried about me. She loved that house, but not like she loved me.

We sold the house. We made all of the little repairs and some big ones. I imagine that my mom could care less now. That house could have fallen down all around me. At the end of my mom's life, the only thing she wanted was that I not break down.

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