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Comment by Brett Bowman on February 17, 2019 at 10:08pm

You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed her body just started to shut down. It was like a little boat that kept springing leaks. We would plug a leak and then there would be another one. I ran out of fingers after a while. I couldn't stop it. Praying couldn't stop it. Her doctors couldn't stop it. Now I am just waiting for another leak to emerge. It's all I know, and it's all I've seen. I can tell another person that things are going to be okay, but I just can't believe it for myself. I am going to have to experience consistent peace and small victories before I can or will believe that things will be okay again. When my mom died my security was just ripped away violently. After a 12 year battle you would think that I had time to prepare, but I was not prepared, and I don't know if you can be prepared to lose the center of your life like that. They say that God is love. In an instant what I loved was gone. So I lost my mom and God suddenly seemed very far away. I have not recovered yet.

I truly envy people who have a loving support system to help them through something like this. 

Comment by M Adams on February 17, 2019 at 12:27pm

Baby steps is such a good metaphor — I think when we’ve been traumatized by terrible loss, many of us lose our resilience, and basically have to baby ourselves, setting very tiny goals and challenges, slowly working our way forward.  Something bad has always been and will always be around the corner, but before the traumatic loss we weathered bad things, and realized — without really even thinking about it — that there were also good surprises around corners from time to time.  In my case, and my impression is that this is true for lots of people, the time before the traumatic loss was a long period of nonstop vigilance and anxiety punctuated by mostly terrible occurrences and a constant struggle to help the beloved person stay alive...a struggle which of course will ultimately fail.  

It’s probably not so surprising that this experience, a kind of training in bad outcomes and terrible shocks, leaves its imprint on the survivor — the depth and duration of the impression no doubt depends on many factors, but regardless of why, it seems like we have to nurture ourselves and bring ourselves along, unless there is someone around with the love and insight to be of assistance in this particular way.  I think it helps, at least seems to help me, to silently list any good things (however tiny)  that happened during the day, when I get into bed and turn out the light.  I also tried writing down things to be grateful for, but it is too soon for me, i think...seemed to just trigger grief and bitterness.  Maybe I will try again in the future.

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 16, 2019 at 11:10am

Theresa, it's hard for me to be positive about anything. I always feel like something bad is right around the corner. That's because every time I thought mom was safe and had cleared another hurdle, something else would go wrong. It's just the way I'm conditioned. That's something people who haven't lived through this just cannot understand. I just have to keep working and taking baby steps.

Comment by Theresa on February 16, 2019 at 5:45am

Brett you are right that is the "dark" side, it scares me too

That is so great about the phone call from the directors at the center, that must have made you feel like a million bucks.  

You are making a positive impact, I know you have on here.

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 15, 2019 at 10:28pm

Avi, I actually looked up the EquoVox. I couldn't find an English link for it. I'll keep looking. I'm just really curious how it works. And I want you to make your own decisions. I just want you to be happy.

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 15, 2019 at 10:26pm

M, I'm half Catholic, and Theresa is 100% Catholic. This is a huge part of Catholicism. Ouiji boards just scare the crap out of me. I listened to a lecture series from a Vatican exorcists. There was a question and answer period. Someone asked him how he knew for sure that the people he worked with were not just mentally unbalanced. He said that 99% of the time the person just needs a good psychiatrist, but he also told some stories that were amazing if true, and I don't know why he would lie. He was adamant about not trying to contact someone beyond the grave. It's scary stuff. The Vatican can list the names of seven angels. They can list a lot more demons. They keep those names quiet for fear that someone will think it's a joke and try to summon those names. He even said that one of the first questions he asks in an exorcism is, "Who am I dealing with?" It's hard to imagine in 2019 that such things are possible, but he is listening for specific names. And he has a history with them. He has picked up conversations from where he last left off with a demon. It will say things that it could only know if they had a history. And he reiterated that when a four year old girl starts speaking in Latin with a very deep voice, and knows your life history, it changes your perspective about how real this is. I know it sounds like a lot of superstition, but it scares the crap out of me, and I'm not messing with it.

This morning when I woke up I had two messages on my answering machine from directors at the Wellness Center. They both said the same thing. One of them was, "I don't know what you did to those kids, but their parents are raving about you." It made me cry. It has been a long time since I felt like I was making a positive impact.

Comment by M Adams on February 15, 2019 at 5:58pm

Brett, it gives me such a lift to hear about your new gig — sounds perfect! Lucky kids too, great when they can connect with an adult who also makes them laugh.  

Your comment re the spirit world app that Avi came across brought back a memory for me.  Personally I don’t think that good or bad spirits reach out through apps, so I wouldn’t be scared of such a thing, but your reaction reminded me of my mom’s reaction when I was 11 and a friend brought her ouiji board over.  We were carefully following the instructions until my mom became curious and peeked in on us — she got VERY upset about the possibility of “something bad happening” and my friend and her board suddenly needed to go home for supper ASAP.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 15, 2019 at 12:34pm

Avi, things like that scare the crap out of me. I mean, how do you know that you are actually communicating with your mom, and not something bad? I believe that you may open yourself to something that may attach itself to you. That's just personal opinion though. I have a friend who used a medium to contact her mom and it gave her a lot of closure. I just don't want to take that chance. I do talk to my mom. Of course she doesn't talk back. And every night I say, "I love you mom." I also tell God to tell her that I love her when I pray. I've just come to the conclusion that I will not be able to be with my mom again in this life.

I've had a good week. I changed jobs. I am a Personal Trainer at Wellness Center now. Yesterday I did a group session with children. Making them laugh and having a healthy impact in their lives made me feel like I had some purpose again. We have a lot of cancer survivors that I want to work with. I didn't feel guilty about feeling good which is a big step for me. My mom would have been happy for me.

Theresa, although I had a good day... yes, our lives have changed. Life will never be the same without our moms. You're in my prayers, my friend.

Comment by Theresa on February 15, 2019 at 5:22am

No we should not, God is the only communicator Avi, you are right.

We should not disturb the deceased, they are in peace, it is us who are not in peace.

I still struggle everyday, I just have come to recognize that this is my new life.  

Comment by Avi on February 15, 2019 at 3:08am

Hi Friends, 

Few days back I came to know an app EquoVox which can help you communicate with your loved ones who are deceased. It seems be fake to me but have seen some videos on you tube people claiming its real. Did anybody on this group tried this or should we try such things in first place. As per Hindu mythology, I should not disturb the deceased loved ones as they are in peace. 

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