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Comment by BLUEBELL on December 7, 2017 at 2:51am

This  about sums up where I am at emotionally....the holidays are heart wrenching. Tearful days. Hard nights. Feeling alone. And at the same time with all this inner upheaval, I expect myself and others expect me to function like everything is alright. But it is not. I do not feel alright. My heart is broken and I am weary. It would be so nice to just have times where I felt my world was a peaceful and safe place to be and the hole that I feel in my chest and gut were gone. I hope I am given this even for a short time It would be the best Christmas ever. A safe harbor in the storm.

Bluebell

Comment by Crystal K on December 7, 2017 at 1:27am

Theresa I send my love and prayers to you. This is such a difficult month. I have cried myself to sleep the past week and noone sems to know. We are both suffering in silence. I have back pain, im always sleepy and tired. Our bodies know that we are grieving. Brett, thank you for your wonderful response. We can always remind ourselves that it was not our faults but sometimes that doesn’t stop the guilt or regret. Wishing you all some sense of closure, however long it takes. Theresa, I feel you. Although my mom lasted a few days, no goodbyes were said. I was too afraid. I thought or hoped she would survive. The doctors thought she would survive! But we were wrong. And I replay the last few moments I had with her over abd over- wishing I could turn back time. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 7, 2017 at 1:09am

I'm sorry, Theresa. I don't know what else to say except that I am there with you buddy. Our situations are different. You've got yours and I have mine, but we both hurt badly. May God Bless us.

Comment by Theresa on December 6, 2017 at 5:48pm

So nice Brett, wow today was bad I cried alot, this month is hard for me, but no one else sees it.

Im anxious all the time, my body hurts, my back aches and I think its from anxiety.

My situation is so different from everyone else, my heart goes out to all, either way we are without our moms.

Comment by BLUEBELL on December 6, 2017 at 1:14pm

What you wrote was from your heart Brett. Thank you.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 6, 2017 at 12:37pm

Crystal, reading that is heartbreaking and I am so sorry. None of us knows what the future holds. I remember once when I called 911. My mom wasn't making sense to me, and she could not get out of her chair. When the EMT's arrived they looked at her oxygen tubing. Mom had fifty feet of tubing that led to the concentrator. They found a kink. My mom had not been getting oxygen. When I saw that I immediately broke down. That was on me. I remember the paramedic telling me not to beat myself up. I was trying. I never would have knowingly let anything bad happen to my mom. After that I would go over her tubing every single day, but there were so many thing that could have contributed to her death, and I could never catch them all. Sometimes at night her Bi-Pap mask would leak because she moved it with her hand while she was sleeping. I tried to put out every fire but it was impossible. I don't want to even try an imagine how many hospital visits could have been prevented if I had been aware of everything that could go wrong, or did go wrong. My mom had a similar problem. She would cut or bruise very easily. I was always monitoring her scars, but it was like trying to hold back a tidal wave. We do the best we can. We did the best that we could, and we did it out of love. I would have laid down my life in a second for my mom. It just doesn't work that way. We are not given that option. You did not know about Sepsis. Few people do. You did what you thought was best. Your mom knew that you were taking care of her as best you could. And there comes a time when things are just out of our hands. I remember telling my mom's ICU doctor that I wish that he would just move in with us. He said, "Brett, both my mom and dad are dead. I couldn't save them. Even if I did come home with you I could not save your mom." That was right before mom came home to be on Hospice care.  We try as best we can but we just do not have the power to keep our love ones alive. If one thing had not taken my mom, something else would have. It's a sad reality, but I loved her with all of my heart during that journey. And I know that you loved/love your mom just as much.

Comment by BLUEBELL on December 6, 2017 at 11:04am

Crystal,

I understand the guilt Crystal because I too suffer from the "what if I had just....". I have to remind myself that when God calls our loved ones home, they go. It is not within our power to stop it nor should it be. But that being said, it does not mean we will not miss our Mom's forever, while we are still on this earth.

This self talk and belief helps me get through the "what if I had just....". Maybe it will also help you.

Bluebell

Comment by Crystal K on December 6, 2017 at 3:03am

Bailey My heart goes to you. I feel the same way my family keeps talking about christmas plans and I just stay quiet cause I am not planning on celebrating xmas this year... its been a hard few days.. the guilt of my mom’s death is coming back. To those who dont know, she died from a multitude of problems but mostly complications from sepsis, heart failure, then multiple organ failures.. The sepsis began from a cur on her foot. I knew about the cut. We got ointment for it but it never healed and it developed into sepsis. I will always wonder what if I had taken her sooner to the hospital, I was on a trip and came back when she was already in Intensive care. I blame myself. Did some research on sepsis and apparently its the number #1 killer for ER patients coming in. And i never heard of it til my mom. I try to reassure myself that it wasnt my fault- but to know she died from something that couldve been caught and prevented! That kills me!  Im sorry guys for venting. I’ve cried myself to sleep the past two nights about this. And I cannot talk to my family about it. 

Comment by Bailey Smith on December 4, 2017 at 8:41pm

I am experiencing the same as you folks.  Since Mom passed away in August the phone calls have stopped and no one mentions my Mom except my husband.  My brothers never bring her up in conversation.

I exercise at YMCA ( to help mentally and physically) and people who barely know me say keep busy and that will cure your sadness.  Unbelievable what people think you should do.

If you are sad people run away...

My husband and I have decided not to put up a tree or decorate this year.  My two adult children ( mid thirties) are fine about it.  On Christmas Day we normally have in our own children and my brothers families.  This year my husband and I are taking our children out to a restaurant on Christmas Day and then getting together with my siblings and families on Dec 29.  I just could not handle having everyone in on Christmas Day.

Comment by Crystal K on December 4, 2017 at 6:00pm

Bluebell, yes my mom took a big part of me when she died.  Brett, I know how you feel about being sad all the time. That is why I avoid a lot of my friends now. Because I don't want to pretend to be happy or to be having fun and I don't want it making them feel like they cant smile around me.  I am so grateful that I have you guys because I cannot talk about this to my family all they tell me is to get over it and stop bringing it up, that I'm intentionally hurting myself.  I cry now over the smallest things, my mom would always wake me up for work or school whenever I overslept now nobody does and whenever I wake up late, I just start crying cause I miss my mom and all these little things she would do for me. 

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