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Comment by Crystal K on December 8, 2017 at 8:45pm

Thanks Brett. I try to tell myself that it wasnt my fault. All th time. But I think the only person that can convince me is my mom. I beg for her forgiveness all the time and how I wish that she could respond back. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 8, 2017 at 11:41am

Crystal, how many people put off going to see the doctor? Sometimes getting my mom to go to the doctor was like pulling teeth. She was tired of it all. It seems like every time I would take her they would find a new issue. I don't blame my mom for not wanting to go. My mom was always bumping her shin into things. Her skin was paper thin and she could cut herself so easily. There were several times that a small cut would become infected and mom would have to see a wound specialist. And then the doctor would give me a lecture about how dangerous a cut could be. There is a fine line. We were our mom's caretakers but we were not their bosses. Regardless of our ages we were still the children. I would nag my mom about going when I thought she needed to. Sometimes my mom would just flat out refuse to go, or she would take so long getting ready that she hoped the nurse would tell us that we had missed our appointment. That never happened. I think they kind of knew what was going on and they would still see her. My mom had just grown tired. I think mom felt like, "Well, even if you fix this, there will still be something else." I imagine that I will be like that myself one day.

You may believe that you put off taking your mom to the doctor, but let me ask you this... if your mom said, "Crystal, I think we should go to the doctor's office and have this cut looked at", would you have said no? I don't think so. Sometimes the best a caretaker can do is try. Our mom's still had rights. I rarely tried to force my mom to do anything. The only times I did, like calling 911 without her permission, she would get angry. There was a fine line. It was her life and her body. I would even sneak and call my aunts. I would ask them to call my mom and try to talk her into going to the doctor's office. She would say, "Did Brett put you up to this?" Many times, by the time I could get mom to go to the doctor, it was almost too late. I felt so much guilt at the time.

Don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up. There is no doubt that you experienced the worst case scenario, but you never would have put your mom in harms way. We just wanted them to be well. We did what we thought was best at the time. It's easy to look back and see mistakes that we made. We feel guilt, but we do that to ourselves. We loved our moms with all of our hearts.

Also, don't feel badly about fussing with your mom. You were in a tense situation. Sometimes that frustration came out in words, but your mom knew that you were her caretaker, and I can promise you that she appreciated everything you did. You weren't being selfish. You were being human.

Comment by Bailey Smith on December 8, 2017 at 8:41am

Brett ..you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Comment by Crystal K on December 8, 2017 at 1:58am

Brett, I teared up reading your posts. I understand how you feel. . I have been my mom’s caretaker for the past three years, , although not a very good one. Took her to every appointment, made every phone call, memorized her medication- it feels weird cause drs and hospitals were so much a part of my life. Not anymore. Her condition wasn’t as severe as your moms, but I felt overwhelmed many times and sometimes resented my family for not helping out once in awhile. But if I complained, i was called selfish. I have a lot of guilt about how I handled my role as a caregiver. I would get frustrated and take it out on my mom by complaining and when we argued, I would tell her to tell her other children to take care of her.  Ofcourse I woukd regret it and apologize but it always hurt her when i said that.  I know my sisters loved her. They are having a hard time accepting her death as well, but I wish the circumstances were different and it wasn’t just me that my mom relied on. And Im not just talking about my sisters but my mom’s sisters that lived with us too. Because now the only person I can blame for my mom’s death is me. I wasn’t here. So she kept putting off going to the dr until it was really bad. I have my sisters, my close cousins, my aunts, but I dont think they understand the grief and guilt I am feeling. How a death can affect you as their main caregiver.  I have a big family yet I feel utterly alone. I cry over the silliest things and wish my mom was still here. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 8, 2017 at 12:32am

The next day my sister came to visit. My mom had asked me to move into her bedroom. She wanted to stay in the sunroom in her hospital bed. Her room, the master bedroom, is connected to the sunroom. There is just a set of French Doors that separate the two rooms. My mom wanted me in her room so that she could call for me in the night. My sister told me that she wanted to sleep in the master bedroom while she visited. I told her no. Mom needed help and she did not know how to care for her in an emergency. My sister told me that I was being over dramatic. She told my mom that she wanted to sleep in the master bedroom. Mom told her no. She said, "I need him." My sister told her that either she stayed in the master bedroom or she would leave. Mom felt guilty and told her okay. That night before bed, I noticed that the French doors were closed and the curtains were drawn. That made me very angry. I opened the doors and there was my sister lying in bed wearing a sleep mask, and wearing ear muffs. She never would have known if my mom needed help in the night. I sat by my mom all night long and she needed me several times. Mostly her Bi-Pap mask would become twisted. We did this for two nights. When I would put mom on her bed pan my sister would go into her room and lock the door. I just did not understand. My mom had done everything for us.

When my mom died, this is the family that I was left with. My other brother called me a couple of days after mom died. He wanted to know what we were going to get money wise. He also wanted to know how big our televisions were. He wanted the biggest one.

I just missed my mom. I can no more talk to them than I could talk to a stranger. A stranger probably would have been more compassionate. And of course it was long before I was invited to leave the house, and to take my mom's dogs with me. 

There's nothing more to say. I wish that I could have gone back to American Airlines, but that is not possible. I am not old enough to receive my pension yet. I lost my mom but I also lost my family. I guess I never really had them. I was left with two wonderful little dogs, one who has since passed. The little dog I have left is all that I have left of my mom, and she is blind and elderly. I don't know how much longer I will have her.

It's all so heartbreaking. I miss my mom. I miss my dog. I miss my job, and I wonder when I will see a light at the end of the tunnel. I pray a lot. Just a couple of years ago I had the best mom, and two wonderful little dogs. I don't want to be the last one standing. I don't have a choice. My mom's sisters are nice enough but they don't understand. I hear things like, "I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should see somebody." And then they talk about all the cute things that their grandkids did. They don't know. They don't understand. It didn't happen to them.

Thank you to anyone who read all of that. That's my whole story pretty much. It is so hard when the happiest time of your life is all a memory. I tired to do the right thing. Life is not like the movies. And no one gives you points for doing the right thing. But I will tell you this. My mom was worth it. She will always be worth it.

I love you, mama.

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 7, 2017 at 11:51pm

This is where it becomes about me. And I am sorry that any of this is about me. For all the love that my mom gave me in return, those four years were full of trauma, anxiety, worry, panic, sadness, fear. So many 911 calls. Every time I worried that this was the end. That they would not be able to save her yet again, but they always did. She always came home. Each time I would thank God and we would start all over again. But there was always something new. Congestive heart failure, Thrush, excessive Co2. The Lasix that she was taking for Congestive Heart Failure was robbing her of her minerals. People often do not realize how dangerous low potassium and other minerals can be. He blood was so thin that just a simple cut could cause her to bleed profusely. Those cuts almost always became infected. It never stopped. It was like a tidal wave. It was like plugging a leaking boat. As soon as you plug one hole, another one would appear.

My mom had so much faith in me to make her better. I sure tried. But the day came when there was no more that could be done. My mom started Hospice.

I never asked my brothers or sister for help. Being a caretaker is not for everyone. The first day mom was on Hospice care, one of my brother's visited. It was so odd. He wouldn't even go into my mom's bedroom. He stood at the door and only stayed for a few minutes. Before he left my mom asked him if he would help me move her into the sunroom where she had a hospital bed. He looked her right in the eyes and said no. And then he left. I will never know why.

Continued...

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 7, 2017 at 11:26pm

Bailey, I would recommend individual grief counseling. There were 12 people in my class. They all had a story to tell, and they all deserved and needed to be heard. The minister who conducted the class went through the material quickly. Too quickly. One person would speak and then we would move on to something else. Because of this we lost half the class after the first meeting. A person who has suffered a significant loss needs individual attention. 

I will say that I think it is a shame that anyone has to rack their brain to find proper help. We should all have a caring support system. That is not always the case. I have two brothers, a sister, aunts, uncles, and a lot of cousins. I also have lifelong friends. I envy anyone who has a loving spouse who is there for them, truly listens, and loves them unconditionally. That must be amazing.

I am going to be honest. It's not easy because I do not know anyone here really. And I do not want to come across like this is about me. It never was. it was always about my mom. Now she's gone and I have to try to take care of myself. 

Mom was diagnosed with cancer 14 years ago. I had a wonderful career at the time with American Airlines. Over the course of several years my mom fought five different forms of cancer. There finally came a time that I knew that I would either have to leave my job or that my mom would have to go into assisted living. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to love her silly and have her be some comfortable here at home surrounded by her little dogs. I retired from AA. I was way too young to retire but AA offered me a severance package if I did. I took it. I had no way of knowing that my caretaking experience would last for four years. In about two years time I had gone through my savings. I still had the same bills to pay. I cashed in my 401-K. That saw me through to the end of my mom's life. I should point out that I also went back to school. I couldn't leave home but I went back to UNC online and was able to earn a degree in Nutrition. I chose that because my mom's immune system had been completely destroyed by chemo and radiation. On more than one occasion my mom had simple colds that became pneumonia. I became a certified nutritionist and I did all of the research that I could. We were able to rebuild my moms immune system. She did not die of cancer. She died of COPD. There was nothing in the world that I could do about that. Mom had several bouts with lung cancer. Her lungs just deteriorated. She didn't smoke.

Continued...

Comment by Bailey Smith on December 7, 2017 at 9:08pm

Brett I totally understand what you are saying.  When my Dad passed away in 2011 , I needed help.  My brother and I (along with our Mom) did palliative care for our Dad who was dying of cancer.  I did the day shift and my brother did the night shift.  A nurse would come by each day and teach us what we had to learn.  We had no respite and did this for two months straight.  When my Dad passed, I was mentally a wreck!!  I had nightmares, panic attacks and etc.  I went to my family doctor and got a referral to a psychiatrist who was a god sent.  A person has to do what they need to be able to carry on.....

Comment by Sherri on December 7, 2017 at 9:07pm

Thanks Bailey I was going to wait till after Christmas also and thanks for the name not sure where or what to do. 

Comment by Bailey Smith on December 7, 2017 at 9:01pm

Sherri I have been considering it but have not gone yet.  Bereaved Families of Ontario will meet with you individually or in a group setting.

If I go it will definitely be a individual session.  To be honest I am waiting to get through Christmas and then decide.

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