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Comment by Crystal K on March 13, 2018 at 3:32am

I often think of death as well. I look forward to the day I am rrunited with my mom. But then I think, am I so sure that we will be reunited? My faith in God was never strong- another thing that disappointed my mom. So what I die and thats it. What if all the stuff everyone has been saying about my mom “being in a better place” isn’t true. My mom was very religious- and even at the end she didnt lose her faith. So I hope that she is in the afterlife somewhere enjoying a conversation with her mom. Cause it kills me to even consider the other possibility. I dream about her often. But I can tell they are just dreams- and not visits. But everynight I pray to whoever is listening to please let me see, hear or feel her. Because knowing that she is alive in some other way would make this more bearable. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 13, 2018 at 2:32am

I hear you Brett. I am scared too. My Mom was my anchor.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 12, 2018 at 1:17pm

Theresa, you said it very well. I am afraid of how. I am also afraid of what comes after. It's easier for me to tell you that you are going to heaven than it is to believe it about myself. I have a lot of guilt. Death, and what comes after is something that we cannot control. I have no doubt that my mom is in heaven. I have a perception about God. I believe that he is so loving and forgiving that there is a place for each of us. But that is my faith. I don't know for certain what happens after. I hope and I pray. I try to be a good person. I hope that I am succeeding.

Bluebell, I use to tell people that happiness was a choice, but try telling that to someone who is suffering from clinical depression. For many people, being happy is just not as easy as making a decision. I don't want to fool myself into being happy. I want to truly be happy. It's hard for me now. I'm just scared. I am scared of the future. I walked through life with my mom by my side. Now she's gone. I just don't know if I can succeed on my own.

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 12, 2018 at 12:39pm

All I want to say is that for some unknown reason, I am feeling less depressed. I am grateful.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on March 12, 2018 at 6:10am

Brett, I am not afraid to die, its how I'm going to die that scares me.

My moms face was so peaceful looking, just like she saw what she wanted to, my husband even commented, he said look at your moms face, it was almost glowing, but by the time my brother got to the funeral palor, she looked like she was sleeping peacefully, because he lives so far he did not get to see her like I did.  I will never forget that.

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 12, 2018 at 3:11am

I know what you mean Brett. I have the same thoughts. But at the same time, I wonder if seeing Mom would bring me peace. She was not the most cuddly, warm person and I do not remember her hugging and loving me when I was a child or even as an adult. Sometimes I did tell her I loved her and she said it back, but it felt uncomfortable because those words were not used in our house when I was growing up. So because there are doubts in my mind that she really loved me and wanted to take care of me, will I get the peace and welcome that I so desperately want when I see her again? Or will the doubts still be there? I hope not. 

Despite the  warmth my Mom was unable to display, she tried her best  I always knew she would be there. Now she is not and I miss her. She was my reason for trying to make a success out of my life. She was my reason to try and be a good person. I never wanted to disappoint her and make her unhappy, so I kept trying to be what I thought she wanted me to be. Now I am on my own and I feel lost.

These may just be words of a depressed person who is having a hard time right now finding meaning and happiness in her life. I have heard the words "Happiness is a choice" If that statement is true, then I am a failure at it.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 11, 2018 at 10:32pm

I don't know about the rest of you but I can sometimes fixate on death now. My own. Dying scares the crap out of me. For one thing I am afraid that it will hurt. Two: I think about the realization of knowing that you are about to die. There was a look on my mom's face the day she died. Sometimes she looked scared and confused. She knew.

But I also daydream about the day it comes. I can just imagine seeing my mom again. Sometimes it gives me a sense of peace to know that we won't hurt forever. I asked my mom if she would come for me the day I die. She said, "I will if they let me." I can just imagine meeting Jesus and hearing him say, "Now, go be with your mom." What a reunion that would be. To never have to say goodbye again. To never have to worry about her becoming sick again. It's a sweet dream.

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 11, 2018 at 10:20pm

We have no other choice. That is the cold reality to all of this.

Crystal, a few months ago I had a doctors appointment. I had never been to this doctor before and I was having trouble finding her office in a big medical complex. I decided to just stop and ask. I went into the first doctor's office I saw. I had forgotten that I had been there before, many times. It was the office of the doctor who was my mom's Intensivist in ICU on so many occasions. He had saved her life before. He was also the man who told me that my mom was dying. As soon as I went through those doors It all came back. He was also my mom's Pulmonologist. The last time mom and I were in his office for a regular appointment, my mom seemed fine. She seemed okay to me that day. While we were sitting in the waiting room my mom said, "What happened to Michael J. Fox?" I told her that he had Parkinson's disease. Mom said, "No. He was in the car with us, talking on his phone." My heart sank so low. I had never heard her say anything like that. My mom had advanced COPD. When we did see the doctor, I told him that mom thought Michael J. Fox was in the car with us, she insisted that he was and that he had walked into the building with us. The doctor didn't even flinch. He told her that her Co2 was elevated. My mom asked him when she would get better. He said, "You won't, Martha." 

All of that came flooding back just from walking in a room. I don't know if it does get better. The memories can be triggered by anything. We just have to try to cope as best we can, remembering how lucky we were to have them. My mom and I could laugh later about her thinking that Michael J. Fox was in the car with us. It was rare that she would get to that point and she usually was the mom I knew again real soon. But I knew that day that I was trying to hold back a tidal wave.

All I can tell you is to feel what you feel. Go where you go. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just know how blessed you were to have such a wonderful mom. To be loved so much. And to have been able to love so much in return.

Comment by Theresa on March 11, 2018 at 8:06pm

Bluebell it is mentally and physically draining.   I sometimes say is this the rest my life because I know I’m never forget my mom     do we just learn to deal with it, do we get used to it or do we learn to accept it because we have no other choice....

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 11, 2018 at 2:48pm

It is just so hard. I am tired of grieving and not feeling good.

Bluebell

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