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Comment by Theresa on March 14, 2018 at 8:02pm

Maria that is so wonderful that she received the anointing of the sick my mom went to church every morning and I know she did not receive communion the morning of her death because it was so sudden we didn’t expect it. I remember when my father passed away one thing my mom said was the priest came around this morning and gave communion and your father had communion I know my mother would’ve wanted that but we didn’t know my mother was going to go in cardiac arrest five minutes after she went she arrived at he hospital.   I cry as I write  this because this is something I have to live with the rest of my life and  no one understands. I arrived at the hospital right after she went in cardiac arrest and they couldn’t revive her I also have to live with that the rest of my life in my mind seeing what I saw my mom in the bed her clothes in a pile on the chair next to her      them  doing CPR to a lifeless body She looked like a Raggedy Ann doll

Comment by M on March 14, 2018 at 6:41pm

Thank you Brett and Theresa. It's been a little over two months.

Comment by Theresa on March 14, 2018 at 6:09pm

Maria sorry for you loss, how long has it been?

Comment by Theresa on March 14, 2018 at 6:09pm

Brett me too everynight  I tell her I love her and I ask God to please let her come to me.

It was odd the other night I had a dream of my dad I told him sit in the chair and wait for me while I go look for mom, I never found her ....

The mind works in mysterious ways

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 14, 2018 at 5:17pm

Maria, I am so sorry for your loss. So many of the things you said sound so familiar to me. PTSD? Yes. I have never had anything close to a visitation. I have always wished that I would have one.

Theresa mentioned this earlier. This is all just personal opinion on my part. I would never use a medium to contact my mother. I mean, how do you know what you are getting is actually your mother? It scares me. I just think it's opening up a door that you may not be able to close. I do speak to my mom out loud sometimes. I have no idea if she can hear me. Mostly I just ask God each night to tell her that I love her. I feel like if anyone can relay that message, it's God.

Comment by M on March 14, 2018 at 4:17pm

I went to a GriefShare support group last night. It was helpful. I listened to one of the last voicemails my mother left me. I am in tears and just want her back. I feel guilty because there is no much unsettled in my life right now and I am so bereft. I have a bit of PTSD, reliving her last days in the hospital. I just wish I hadn't gone home early on the last day she was able to talk. I kind of knew my mom's time on earth was coming to an end. I'm praying to the Lord to bring me comfort. Some mornings I see beautiful little birds perched along my path when I walk my dog and they remain close and beautiful. I say "Hi Mom" when they seem to be looking at me. After her services, I had a visitation where I knew she was talking to me. I was in a twilight sleep. I woke up, telling her "I'm still with you". I was saying it aloud to her as I awoke. I wonder if she was saying it to me and I echoed it? I believe it was a visitation. I had another dream in the month to follow where both my parents were together and calling me by name. I don't know what it was they wanted to tell me. I am a practicing Catholic and my parents and I used to pray the Rosary with each other. Then after my father died I would say it with my mother. These last two years we would say it on the phone together. I'm trying to stay in my church in the music ministry because I know that made my mother very happy and it is a way I feel that I can honor her. 

I was tempted to contact a medium, just desperate for closure, but my mother was very against involvement in the occult and so I resist the temptation. This is not to judge anyone who does this. I completely understand the desire. 

So much of the time I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been unemployed and had been struggling with addiction at the time of her death. I am so bereft that I did not get to make an amends to her for the pain and anxiety I had caused her.

I spoke to the priest that said my mother's funeral mass and he told me that I am forgiven, and that my mother can see me clearly now. It brought me comfort. 

I don't know at what point my mom actually passed....she was in and out of critical condition her last week in the hospital...but all throughout the week she had had Anointing of the Sick and she also had Extreme Unction right before she finally passed - in body if not in spirit - which brought me comfort. 

Comment by Theresa on March 14, 2018 at 6:06am

Brett, you are right I wouldn't want to mess with anyones faith either.  I love God and I lean on my faith everyday to get me though my issues.

Thats a great line from Winnie the Pooh, how true!

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 14, 2018 at 3:15am

Thank you Brett. Something you said helped me understand my relationship with my Mom.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 13, 2018 at 11:17pm

Hannah, I am so sorry for your loss. One thing I have noticed is that none of us believe that our mother's were perfect. It doesn't really matter. We love them with all of their imperfections just like they loved us despite all of our imperfections. And it was a great big love.

Comment by Brett Bowman on March 13, 2018 at 11:11pm

 I also want to say that I never want to mess with anyone's faith. My issues are my own. When my mom died I wanted so much to fill that void. I don't have a wife or kids so I couldn't turn to immediate family. I wanted to fill that void with God. I was so sad that people would tell me, "God closer to you right now than he ever has been." Sometimes I could feel that and sometimes I couldn't. Here's the thing... I don't think that God's fault. He may be all around me offering support and I just can't feel it. I won't stop trying though. As long as I am living I will hope that I can become closer to God. I want to be with my mom in heaven one day. It's just my nature now to think of worst case scenarios. Being in heaven with my mom seems like winning the lottery. It seems like something that is only possible for someone else. I keep thinking of so many ways that I could have been a better son. Maybe God forgives me but I have to learn how to forgive myself. I have always though of God as the ultimate in love and forgiveness. I think when we grieve it's almost like we are bound and determined to not let ourselves be happy, and we hold on to guilt like grim death. I can visualize an Old Testament God who is very angry at me. I can also visualize a forgiving God that wants me to be by my mom's side for eternity. My minister says that not forgiving yourself is as bas as not forgiving someone else. I think there is some real truth to that.

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