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Comment by Brett Bowman on April 24, 2018 at 10:32am

My sister kept some of my mom's voicemail to her. There is no way that I could listen to it. She also took some video footage of her while she was on Hospice. Seeing those would be very painful.

Like you, looking through a photo album is so hard. I see my mom and the other dog that I lost last year, and it kills me to think that both have made their way from my daily life to a photo album that I keep in the drawer.

There is a cruel reality to all of it. I believe that my mom is in heaven, but for me those photo albums are as close as I can get if I want to see her.

Comment by Crystal K on April 24, 2018 at 5:31am

This is just so hard and I know we are all going through it... I just wish they told me it was going to hurt this much- I would've spent every minute with my mom and learned everything about her :( 

Comment by Crystal K on April 24, 2018 at 5:29am

Thank you Brett. I do try to honor her but it is so painful.  I attended church service yesterday. I think I did pretty well.  No unexpected outbursts. But then I came home and found an old album of photos, saw a picture of me and my mom when I was a toddler.  And bam, it got me.... I cried for about an hour afterwards...  I listened to a voicemail of hers tonight.  Felt like I hadn't heard her voice in awhile- when I heard it I thought "oh right, thats what it sounds like!" :(   Just so heartbroken right now.. Some days I do find myself looking into the future planning stuff but then it just comes crashing down on the bad days then I go back to thinking what is the point, she isn't here.... Sometimes I feel even guilty for talking to my nieces (whom are in another country) because it makes me think back to how much she loved her granddaughters and how much she is going to miss as they grow up :( :( 

Comment by Brett Bowman on April 19, 2018 at 11:00pm

Crystal, there is no timeline. I understand all that you are saying. After moving out of my mom's house, I had to go back. My realtor called me back there frequently. I had little choice. It was hard. I did cry, but it was not the difference between getting over this or not. Maybe it did help with closure but it all still hurts. There is no easy way. We are going to feel what we are going to feel.

Just on a personal level, I wish that you would attend your church again. Communion is very important to me because communion is short for the communion of saints. I light a candle and I never feel as close to my mom as when I am in church. And the fact that it's your mom's church may only increase that feeling. It may bring you comfort to be there. It's at least worth a try.

As far as driving down familiar roads, you may as well. Face it head on. The sad reality is that avoiding certain places will not bring our moms back. Now, I'll sure admit that there are places that I do not want to go, like my mom's doctors office, or to a hospital room that my mom was in. There is no reason for me to go to those places though, but I would hate to avoid any part of my daily routine because it would make me think of my mom. The truth is that I am going to think about her anyway. There is simply no way to avoid that, and people who try are likely just fooling themselves. The pain would come back sooner or later. I think... continue to live your life. Take baby steps. That's what I'm trying to do. I'll let you know if it works.

I have not been to my moms grave. It's three hours away from where I live. It would be hard for me to see that. Just the idea of my moms body being there, if not her spirit, is hard for me to think about. Mom is buried in my hometown. Maybe if I still lived there I would have come to terms with it, I don't know, but I would like to think that I would have continued to go to our families church, and that I would visit my mom's grave. I just believe that my chances of healing would be better than if I ran away from those things. 

I also think Theresa is right. I want to find any way I can  to honor my mom. I don't know what she sees, but knowing my mom, she would want me to continue to live my life as I did before she died. And she would want me to be happy, too. I have a lot of work to do on the second part. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on April 19, 2018 at 5:28pm

It is so hard. My sister whose husband passed away April 9th 2018 does not want to see me right now because I remind her of Mom's passing a year ago Feb 14th. She does not do it to be mean or hurtful. She is just too full of grief for her husband and so very tired. We do what we have to do to get through this. 

Bluebell 

Comment by Theresa on April 19, 2018 at 5:16pm

Sorry for the typos

Comment by Theresa on April 19, 2018 at 5:15pm

Crystal. You have to do those things in memory of your mom should would want  you to do it I truly believe that I’m not saying that I don’t cry every day because I do I get in bed at night I cry when I’m sitting home alone I cry I tell her I miss her we will always miss our moms I remember when my mother and I would go to the cemetery where her mother was buried it was 45 years later and my mother still cried and she would say mom I live you     now I know how she felt. It hurts maybe I do cry more than I should I cry when I need to  even if it is every day. Everyone tells me I need to make peace with the way my mother passed away so suddenly and I wasn’t there I was not there to hold her hand to tell her I love her I will live with that the rest my life.  I go over my head every day when will it stop I don’t know

Comment by Crystal K on April 19, 2018 at 4:44pm

In 3 months, it will be a year since my mom passed away. It feels like it was yesterday. I know I asked this before but when does it get easier to do activities that you and your mother did together? I cant bring myself to do anything that reminds me of the loss of her presence. Am I gonna go on like this forever. Feel like everything is tainted now. I haven’t stepped foot in her old home that her widowed husband now lives in, I cant go to church because I always went with her, or any cultural functions as well.  What do I do, everything reminds me of her. I even avoid driving down places that we used to go to together. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on April 14, 2018 at 9:58pm

Marie and Joy, if you are still reading, I just want to let you know that I am thinking about both of you.

God Bless you both.

Comment by BLUEBELL on April 14, 2018 at 7:05pm

No worries Theresa. 

Bluebell

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