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Comment by BLUEBELL on May 14, 2018 at 5:14pm

I hope it is a positive experience too Sherri.

Bluebell

Comment by Sherri on May 14, 2018 at 4:34pm

Bluebell my escape is work I work for a surgeon so I must focus on work plus plan ahead always so I don't have to think of my life just his which I'm like his work wife booking even his appt around our appt to keep things moving for him always so this last bit we have been so busy I work late and take work home so I found it easier to keep my mind on work not me. As for reality it hits me every night as I also seem to have insumona so lots of time I'm up at 2am for hours. This is my escape. I'm sorry Brett for your experience I'm hoping mine is as positive like bluebell  my doctor found me someone who deals mostly in grief counselling so I said I'd try it. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 14, 2018 at 3:02pm

I have a therapist that listens, calls me back, lets me decide when I want to see him, lets me cry, laugh, sit in silence, talk about the state of the world, encourages me, lets me bring my dog with me, has a pager # for emergencies etc. He was there for me when I was taking care of my Mom. He was there for me when my Mom passed away etc. I can not say enough good things about him. I have seen him on and off for a while and trust him. Today I am scared I am going to loose him to complications from a procedure he is having in couple of days. I need a therapist to help me deal with the fear I will loose my therapist!

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 14, 2018 at 1:53pm

I can escape reality in doses. Like when I am at church, or sometimes before I fall asleep I'll get all bundled up in bed and remember happier times, but as Bluebell said, reality has a way of slapping you in the face. At some point the church service ends, or the alarm goes off. We all have to face the realities of our lives.

Sherri, I am so glad that you reached out for help. I just finished counseling. My psychiatrist told me, "There is nothing wrong with you. You just miss your mother." But I just don't know how to fix that. I'll always miss her, but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

And I want to comment on something (again) that Theresa has mentioned many times. It is so hard to find a true listening ear, and I am so tired of bad advice, or cliched advice. When my minister first suggested counseling to me, he and my therapist put a game plan together that I very quickly, and angrily shot down. There idea was that I have an accountability partner. That would be my therapist. That confrontational stuff did not help me at all. I told her that what I didn't need was another person to fuss at me. I already had enough people to tell me, "Your mom wouldn't want you to feel this way." That's true, but I could no more control what I felt than I could have controlled what my mom would have felt if I had died instead. I know that my mom would want me to be happy. It's getting from point A to point Z that I can't figure out.

I truly envy anyone who has a spouse who is also their best friend, or anyone who has a child that they can focus their love on and take care of. Lord knows I love my little dog but she doesn't give very good advice.

Friends who have happy contented lives just cannot understand what I am going through. We may have friends that will listen, but it is hard to find friends who will actually hear.

It's a long, hard road.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 14, 2018 at 1:14pm

Sherri

Please tell me how to escape reality. I hate that the harshness of it keeps slapping me in the face.

Bluebell

Comment by Sherri on May 14, 2018 at 11:44am

Hello Everyone

It's been a while since I posted I have been reading its just been a tough go a bit. I hope everyone did okay yesterday it's tough on us all know matter the time. Yes Brett I do feel like I'm treading water most day just trying to get through it. My mom birthday was 2 weeks ago and then mine then Mother's day I just had to get through and smile some way and know she would want it that way. the hardest part was my step dad has moved on and moved in with someone and put the house up for sale without telling anyone all in these two weeks so  someday I try to escape reality because I still have a hard time without her. I have taken advice from those in the group and reached out for help because I don't see my self getting a handle on things only worse some days so thank you. You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers thanks for listening.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 14, 2018 at 11:33am

Brett

In my opinion, you do not miss your Mom too much. Grief has a timeline of its own. I also want to say that our parents did their best to prepare us to be independent adults, but they did not teach us how to prepare for their death. That we have to figure out on our own and it is not easy.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 14, 2018 at 10:48am

I believe that one of the reasons why people don't post as much is because we feel like we are not getting better. We are treading water.

Theresa, you are right. Yesterday gave me even more reason to think about my mom but it's not like I don't think about her as much as other days. The way I feel is constant.

I feel guilty about the way I pray, too. There's a lot more, "Where are you? Why won't you help?" in my prayers. My belief in God is the one thing that I most rely on. I visit a shrine of the Blessed Mother as much as I can. I say things like, "Please don't just be a statue for me. Please help." This causes me tremendous guilt.

I realize that it's no one's fault. I just miss my mom too much.

Comment by Theresa on May 14, 2018 at 5:13am

Hi Brett, yes made it through the day, but I struggled, especially when I went to the cemetery, knowing she is not there just a stone.

I have changed so much, I just feel so much hate, and anger, a few of my friends texted me yesterday and said I know this is a difficult day for you, I answered one friend everyday is difficult I have just learned to live with it. 

Well I think about everyone often and I am glad you posted.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 13, 2018 at 11:59pm

I hope that everyone made it through the day okay. It's been a while since anyone has posted. I feel very much like Bluebell. We are all here to lift each other up. Maybe those aren't the right words. We are all going through something horrible together, and it is good to know that we are not alone. What's frustrating though is that we can post about how bad we feel until the cows come home, but that does not make us miss our moms any less. Sometimes I just wish that I could raise a white flag and say, "I've had enough." I could raise that flag but on one would acknowledge it. I would still have to go on living. It's almost impossible to drop out of life. Life comes for you regardless. We all have to go on. It would sure be nice to find some peace along the way.

One thing that has been most hurtful for me is that the longer I am removed from my mom's death the more people become tired of hearing about it. Even if I don't talk about it, they can still see it. That makes me want to withdraw from people, even my closest friends.

I feel like the one thing that would make me feel better is  the one thing that I cannot have. To be with my mom again.

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