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Comment by Theresa on May 25, 2018 at 5:41am

Brett Crystal and Bluebell are so right, I feel comfort and I smile when reading your posts.  

I know I was trying to get to her, but I say maybe it was not meant for me to be there when her heart stopped, maybe she wanted that way, but its just so hard knowing her last spoken words to me were "ok you know what hospital right and ok let me hang up I'm getting a pain in my shoulder" and I said ok mom ok, I hung up and left, but I stopped at her house on the way, why I don't know why, but it did and that five minutes was the reason I was not right next to her when she went in CA, instead there was a nurse there who was kind enough to tell me "I was talking to your mom and her eyes rolled back not gasping, nothing, it was very peaceful"  I hold on to that sentence from that nurse.  I hear it clear as day in my mind.  Sadly I was in shock and was trying to find her Rosary and prayer book to say the Lord is my shepard......I got numb, couldn't even cry was just staring, like someone took my mind out of my body, I stayed that way for a year...

When they were doing CPR I looked up into the corner knowing she was there looking down and I said MOM, I felt her there I know her soul was still in the room, it was there for a while, and then when they came to take her I felt it leave the room.

Unfortunately my brother was hours away and he did not get to see her until at the funeral palor, and her body did not look the same just like she was sleeping, when she passed she had a glow that even my husband commented on her face did not have a wrinkle it was amazing, now thinking back Jesus was in that room I know it her face was beautiful just like she saw just what she believed she would it truly was amazing.

Comment by Crystal K on May 25, 2018 at 4:49am

Brett you always bring light to our darkest thoughts. I am so thankful to know you. I wrill try to tell myself that from now on, that my mom would want me to live. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 24, 2018 at 10:59pm

Virginia, I know that you don't want to wait until your old to be with your mom. Neither do I. I told you earlier that after my mom died I considered ending my own life, but I could just see my mom if I had tried, screaming, "NO!!" We talk about ways that we hurt our mothers. There is nothing in this world that I could have done that would have hurt her more than that. Or if my mom knew before she died that I would be hurt so badly by her death that I would take my own life, she would have died a horrible death. If we want to do something for our moms, let's live for them.

We can't see our moms but let's not assume that they are not with us, that they are not still aware of us, praying for us, trying to comfort us when we cry. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a priest. I told him how much I missed my mom. He said, "Then talk to her! Tell her that you love her. Tell her that you miss her. Why would you think that she can't hear you?"

That gave me a lot of comfort. And who's to say that he's wrong? I look up at the sky every night and I say, "I love you mama."

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 24, 2018 at 10:42pm

I wish I hadn't posted so quickly this morning. I had some type'o's. I meant to say that my mom held out her hand before she died. She was holding it upwards. It was an awesome thing to see, though at the time it didn't mean so much. My mom was dying and that's what I was focused on.

Also, I meant to say that reading the bible alone was not enough. God reaches us through other people. I needed to spend more time in church. And I needed to reach out instead of retreating inward.

I know this may sound odd, but I wish that I had known about this site before my mom died. I think all of us would like to help someone who will be losing their mom soon. I would tell them to say everything that they want to say. I would tell them to search their brain for anything that may come back to haunt them. Apologize. I wish that I had apologized to my mom for so many things. But I also realize that apology would be more for me than it would have been for my mom. My mom was not holding a grudge. She was just loving me. I wasn't the only one who had to say goodbye. She had to say goodbye to her son, too.

Crystal, all of those things that make you feel so guilty... I get it. We all have real reasons to feel guilt. When I was 15 I once told my mom to go to Hell. And I said it on Christmas Eve, the same night that she would die years later. When that memory came back to me (after mom died) it almost killed me. All of those nights towards the end when I had the perfect opportunity to apologize, I didn't. I didn't remember. But I also know that if I had apologized my mom would have rolled her eyes and said, "Brett, stop thinking about things like that. I know you didn't mean it. Let it go."

We are bound and determined to punish ourselves. Virginia, remember what Bluebell said. It's okay to find some peace. It's okay to say, "My mom knows how much I loved her." She does. You know she does. I can promise you that your mom was more worried about you than she was angry about anything you said, did, or didn't do. That's what mom's do. They love their children unconditionally. Sometimes they even know us better than we know ourselves. All of our mom's knew how much we loved/love them. There is nothing in this world better than a mom. No one will ever love us quite the way our moms did. We were literally a part of them. They carried us in their stomachs for nine months. We were/are theirs. It would take a whole heck of a lot more than a temper tantrum to make that love go away. It would take more than the frustration they saw in our eyes. My mom probably did feel like she was a burden to me, but she also knew there was nowhere else that I would rather be than by her side.

Theresa, I know you missed those last minutes and I know that will always hurt, but you were on your way. You were trying to get to her. I called 911 so many times. After a while I learned that it would take quite a while before they would let me see my mom at the hospital. I would walk the dogs first, put an overnight bag together for my mom, and then show up when I thought she was ready for me. I know now that could have been a big mistake. I could have gotten there too late. I just never expected my mom to die before I got there. We make decisions at the time. We are not perfect. We make mistakes, but Lord knows your mom knows how much you love her. All of our moms know.

Comment by Virginia G on May 24, 2018 at 9:26pm

Crystal,

I read some of your posts, we have a lot in common.  I read you were also close to your Grandma and lost her and then your Mom and aren’t close to your Dad.  Same here.  My Mom was an only child too so my Granny, Mom, and I were very close.  Like you, everything reminds me of my Mom because we did everything together.  I can’t fathom the thought of waiting until I’m old to be with her either.   And like you said, I’d trade places with her in a minute because she deserves a long healthy live more than anyone.  She just turned seventy.  We didn’t even get to celebrate her birthday.  I feel so alone and heartbroken in every way and then there’s the guilt.

Comment by Crystal K on May 24, 2018 at 5:00pm

Virginia, reading your posts was like going through all my feelings of guilt the first few weeks after my mom died.  All the times I was horrible to her, the times I got frustrated when she wouldn't eat right or when I complained about having to take care of her... I felt so guilty, even to know.... I made her cry once.. I felt so unappreciated and stressed and I told her to tell her other two daughters to take care of her because I was done. She called my older sister crying. Brett's words are so comforting. We have to remember that we are only human. We have our own feelings and with all the stress that comes with being a caretaker, its hard not to be angry or resentful sometimes. One thing I wish is that I joined a caregivers group or went to therapy because that would've helped a lot with the pressure I was feeling, because I had noone to talk to. 

It has been a year now for me, and although the stabbing pain of loss is not as bearing, there is a sadness that follows me everywhere I go.  I had no idea loss would be like this.. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes..

I extend my heart to you Virginia.. I know its hard.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 24, 2018 at 11:43am

Brett,

I love reading your posts even though they are for Virginia. They help me to0

Virginia,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you find some peaceful moments. It is okay to find some peace. It does not take away from how much you loved your Mom and miss her. From what you have told me about your Mom, she would want you to feel better, even if it can only be for a moment right now.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 24, 2018 at 11:01am

Virginia, mom's are very intuitive. I tired to hide it. It didn't work. Mom could see right through me. She would tell me that everything was going to be okay. I think my mom was more worried about leaving me than she was about dying. That caused me tremendous guilt. She asked me once before she died if I would let her go. I told her that I didn't have any choice. I was able to muster up the words right before she died. I told her that I would be okay. That was a lie, but it was a loving lie. She needed to hear it even if she didn't believe it.

One thing you will notice in all of these posts. We are all trying to heal. If you just completely give into your depression it will consume you. That's a choice. I doesn't seem like a choice right now. It may seem like you can never find happiness again, but please try. Fight your depression. Please treat it. It will help. Depression is a chemical imbalance. It certainly can influence your decisions. It's also very treatable. That may be hard to believe right now but I hope that you will trust me. I was on my way to a dark place. I was already in a dark place. Now I am climbing out of it. I want you to climb out of it, too.

The bible helps me a lot. Not just the bible, faith and fellowship. Being in an environment of love and kindness certainly helps. Having faith is a wonderful help. I may not be happy today but I know this isn't the end. It's knowing that I will be with my mom again that gets me through the rough times. The last thing my mom did before she died was open her eyes, sit up in bed, look up, and then she held her hand. It was obvious what was happening to her. I asked her if she could see her mom. She didn't answer. She was rapt and in awe. I believe that she saw Jesus. What a powerful thing to see. And then she died.

This may sound selfish of me. My mom is with her mom and dad now, but I'm still here. Yes. I wish I had her back. That's probably not fair to her. My mom fought five different kinds of cancer. She had very advanced COPD, but she kept fighting. That makes me want to fight. She set an example for me. I will fight for her. Even if I'm not strong enough to fight for me, I will fight for her. It's a choice. I choose to live. But I do so knowing that my mom is waiting for me. Time goes by very quickly. It may not seem like it now, but every second that ticks away is a step closer to being with our loved ones. For me it means that I am one step closer to my mom. That gives me great hope.

Yes. If I could just press a button and go to heaven right now I would do it. It's not that easy though. When my mom died I honestly thought about ending my own life, but that is not the way that I want to meet God. I feel like as long as we are still breathing God has a purpose for us. I don't know what my purpose is yet, but I will keep looking. Don't stop looking. Don't stop hoping. Don't lose faith. Fight for your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your mom.

Again the similarities. Mom watched the Middle, too. We had the exact same argument. She compared it Raymond because Ray's wife was in it. I would tell mom, "Yeah, but she is playing a completely different character." Raymond also kind of makes my point. I still watch it almost every night. It's like the Barone family is trapped in time, but they are not. Frank and Marie have passed away. Life goes on and then one day it ends for all of us. Hold on, find happiness where you can, even in the smallest of things, until the day comes when you get to be with your mom again.

God Bless You, my friend. I'll be praying for you. I hope that you will pray for me also.

Comment by Virginia G on May 24, 2018 at 7:42am

Brett,

  You are right, how can we go from our Moms being our whole lives to nothing?  It’s not possible.  It doesn’t even make sense.  I see other families and I envy them and it makes me sad.  I want my family back, she is my family.  

  And I keep hearing of people saying their grief seems worse a year or two later.  I guess that’s when the shock wears off.  As far as depression goes, I already had it and I’m not even going to try to treat it now. 

  Do you read the Bible?  If so, does it help?

Comment by Virginia G on May 24, 2018 at 7:18am

Brett, 

 Your posts always make me cry, you write so well and it always hits me in the heart.  So you also felt the constant despair inside, but you were able to control and hide it, unlike me.  Therein lies my guilt.  I was supposed to cheer her on and she had to tell me it was going to be ok.  My Mom would never blame me for anything though.  All she did was love me.

  I keep thinking why didn’t I just let us enjoy the time we had but I guess you’re right.  With all the stress, it was hard to.  She was so brave though, and somehow always stayed positive.  I could’ve never went through what she did, especially putting up with me.  We did always enjoy tv though, and Raymond was one of our very favorite shows.  We know the episodes by heart.  She liked the Middle too and I used to argue with her that it can’t be compared to Raymond.

  I can’t stand not even being able to talk with her.  Talking “to” her is no where near enough.  And I can’t wait until I’m old to be with her again because like you, I’m not meant to be without her.

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