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Comment by Brett Bowman on May 26, 2018 at 10:43am

Virginia, I thought about it but it was never a real possibility for me. As I said earlier, there is nothing in this world that would hurt my mom more than ending my own life. I will never do it.

I try to be careful. I'm such a religious person. I do not want to try to force my beliefs on other people. And sometimes telling a grieving person that they will be in heaven with their mom one day is not much of a comfort right now. We don't want to wait for "One day" to stop being so distraught. You asked me if people go to Hell if they kill themselves. I have no idea. I also don't want to find out. I want to meet God on his terms, not mine.

I will pray for you. You think that you don't deserve prayers. We all deserve prayers. I also believe that God is never so close to us as when we are suffering. Life is precious, and you are precious.

The feelings you had... welcome to the club. I saw my mom suffer, but so often I was more concerned about me, how mom's death would harm me. That cause me a tremendous amount of guilt then. Here's the thing... Our mom's carried us in their wombs. They nurtured us when we were babies. They taught us what love was. Even as babies, just looking into their eyes taught us how to feel and express love. It is the most natural instinct in the world to want to be with our moms.

It's even harder for you and me because we never left our moms. We never ventured too far from their sides. We didn't take the natural course and leave the nest. Imagine if a baby bird never left the nest, and its mom continued to take care of it. One day the mother bird would die. The baby bird would never have learned to fly. You don't know how to fly. I'm fluttering around in the air, but I haven't fallen. I'll get stronger. You will get stronger if you allow yourself to do so. That starts with understanding that you have value. Your mom saw the value in you. Please try to see what she saw. It was more than being her daughter. Ask yourself what your mom saw in you. What would your mother have said to other people if they asked her why she loved you so much? Answer that question truthfully and believe it. Don't concentrate on the negative things. Concentrate on the good things your mom saw in you.

Please don't harm yourself. You are in a very dark place. Talk to your doctor, talk to your therapist, call 911 if you have to. Trust me when I tell you that there is help available.

Virginia, I have never met you, but I love you. You're my sister and we are going through this together.

Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 8:40am

Agree with you Virginia. Sometimes we actually dont know what we are doing.

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 2:34am

Avi,

Im sure you were giving your Mom the medicines that you thought were best at the time.  Did you ask the doctor if that one dose would have made a difference?  Sadly, it probably wouldn’t have.

I had no idea there were only a few days left.  I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe in shock, maybe still in shock.  I was avoiding the doctor that was telling me a procedure couldn’t be done.

Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 2:03am

Thanks bluebell. Yes I joined the group so that I can discuss by grief and get some good advices.

Virginia, same thing happened with me as well. My mother oncologist was also not telling me complete details amd just use to say that only few days left. I guess drs ar skeptical of going out of going out of the box in case of cancer.

I still remember that on 02 may oncologist told me that not even one day is guaranteed but she was with me till 15 may. But now I can look back and feel remorse but cannot revert 

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 26, 2018 at 1:44am

Avi

I am very sorry for your loss. I understand the sadness and guilt you are going through right now; all of us do. This is a good place to come and talk and share your feelings. You may not get an answer back right away sometimes, but there has never been a time that I have been ignored or my feelings dismissed.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 1:39am

Avi,

  welcome, people on here are very supportive.  I am going through the same guilt as far as what happened in the end.  In the hospital, I didn’t talk to the doctors enough, I don’t know what I was doing.  Now I feel like the doctors just gave up on her because her cancer was so bad.  I wonder what if I had pushed them to try something, even if it was risky, could it have helped?  I guess I didn’t realize how little time was left.  Had I known, I would’ve told them to try anything.  Now I am left feeling as though it’s all my fault.  I have recently talked to the ICU pulmonary doctor to try to understand what happened.  This just left me with more questions.  I found out he didn’t even consult with her oncologist or radiologist.  So I have a call in to the radiologist.  I had emailed her oncologist months ago but she never answered me.  Her and I didn’t exactly always get along.  I don’t think she always liked my many questions.  And I partly blame her for what led to what happened but that’s another story.  Anyway, this is driving me insane to think I could have done something.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 26, 2018 at 1:38am

Virginia

It sounds like you are in a very dark place. Before it gets too bad, I beg of you to reach out for help. Call 911 if you have to. Trust that you will feel better than you do now and you have to be alive to find that out.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 26, 2018 at 1:26am

  As always, Brett thank you for your caring posts.  I think you could be a writer or counselor.  Thanks everyone else for support also.  I can’t offer any help because I dont know what to do.  I was thinking tonight, why aren’t I spending more time thinking of the horrible suffering my Mom went through and the most undeserved thing that could possibly happen instead of my own sorrow?  This is what I did when she was sick also.  I was wrapped up in my own anxiety and depression instead of actually thinking how terrified and stressed she must have felt.  I know As Brett says our Moms worry about us more than themselves but I worried about her more than myself so how could I have done this?  I feel like I dont deserve comfort.  Brett, don’t pray for me, I’d rather you pray that my Mom is somehow ok and with her parents and our dog.  I always wonder what it’s like in Heaven.  Can they talk and kiss and hug each other as I am longing to do?  It kills to to think that she can’t do all the things she loves.  She loved life and people and made the best of her situation.  I can’t believe how brave she was and I wish I could have been even a little more like her.  Whenever I or a family member had a crisis, she always found a way to make us better.  I failed when she needed me most after she gave me life and cared for me my whole life.

  Brett, you said you considered ending your life before.  I did also, but got scared because people say you might not go to Heaven.  Now I’m wondering, maybe you still can?  I always told my Mom if the subject came up, if you go, I go.  Of course, she didn’t like that.  But I feel so truly it’s where I belong, it’s the least I can do to be by her side.

Comment by Avi on May 26, 2018 at 12:41am

Hi Guys

This is Avi and I am from India. I lost my mother on 15 may after her 7 months battle with last stage gall bladder cancer. 

The grief that I possess now is that although I was closely monitoring her treatment since the first day, I was not able to do enough to save her during the last few days. She had difficulty in swallowing due to which I used to give her only the medicines which were vital. On the last day I did not gave her paracetomol in morning and in afternoon she got high fever and them things became out of control and finally she died at 5 PM India time. As per dr she was already in bonus time and he was not hopeful.

I still regret and think that if I have given her that medicine in morning she would have been saved. 

I belong to hindu religion and it is believed that these are obstacles which God plans for you as the life of your loved one have come to an end.

I have a lovely family to take care and would like to get over this guilt with the help of you guys.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 25, 2018 at 11:27pm

Theresa, I feel like a hypocrite when I try to think of something to say to you that would bring you peace. Because I know that I would feel the same way you do if that had happened to me. There was something. Before my mom came home on Hospice, she believed that she was near death. She asked me to say a prayer that she would die right then. I couldn't do it. She asked me to say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer with her. After we were finished, she said, "It didn't work. I can't die with you in the room." She asked me to wait out in the hallway. I did. I sat at her door and cried like a baby, just knowing that my mom was going to die, and I was not by her side. It went against every instinct that I had. Well, thank goodness she didn't die that night, and when it actually did happen, she did not ask me to leave the room.

I know it hurts. And I think you are right, maybe your mom did not want to die with you in the room. I don't know that for a fact though. I don't have any kids but if I had died before my mom, I am sure that I would have wanted her by my side.

No one comes through this unscathed. Tonight at work a friend was talking about her father who is dying. Someone had the nerve to tell her that another of our friends (Lila) had it even worse because her mom (who is also dying) didn't recognize her anymore. I said, "Hold on. This isn't a contest." Lord knows, it all hurts. I was with my mom when she died but there were mornings when she was on Hospice that I slept late. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, even knowing that my mom was awake and waiting for me to take her Bi-Pap mask off of her and maybe she was ready for breakfast or something to drink. I was just a few feet away from her but she was too polite to tell me to get up. She wanted me to get some rest. That's a mother's love, but I also feel very guilty. One of the products of so much love is the guilt we feel now. They loved us so incredibly much, and because of that we think of the ways that we let them down, and wish that we could have been better sons and daughters. Geez... if I could go back in time I would mow the lawn without being told, clean up my bedroom and my mess in the kitchen without being told. Anything to please my mom. But I can't.

What happened in your mom's final hours was not selfish at all. You just didn't know. How can you blame yourself for not knowing when your mom was going to die? You can blame yourself because you loved her so much. When we are grieving we do not even need to be at fault to feel guilt. We just do. I wish it wan't that way. We are all sad enough as it is, yet we continually pile on.

What's lost in all of this is that our mom's loved us so much that they would not blame us for anything, and they would probably chide us for blaming ourselves for anything in relation to their death. Maybe we should listen to them, even though we can't actually hear them. Maybe we should just give ourselves a break. Whether we can or can't is up to us. I hope that we will.

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