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Comment by Brett Bowman on May 27, 2018 at 1:12pm

I was thinking about something last night that I had not thought about before. If by some miracle I could have my mom back for another 20 years, I know that the first day would be amazing. I would hug the snot out of her and thank her for everything she did for me. I would apologize for all of the things that have made me feel so guilty. It would be a glorious day.

But I also know that sooner or later we would have an argument about something, or maybe she would ask me to do something that I didn't feel like doing.

It's just the way life is. I appreciated my mom so much in life, especially towards the end when I knew I was going to lose her, but sometimes we just cannot fully appreciate someone until they are taken away from us for good.

Comment by Avi on May 27, 2018 at 11:56am

Yes Brett, perfectly said. They will surely forgive us and I just need to forgive myself. 

I will be fulfilling her pending wishes which will help me to forgive myself and also take more care of my Dad as he is alone now.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 27, 2018 at 11:13am

Avi, I am sorry that it's taken a while for me to respond to you. I ready your story and I felt it. I am so sorry about your mom. If someone were to ask me what the prevailing emotion on this website is, I'm not sure that I would say sadness. It may be sadness but guilt runs a pretty close second. You did what you felt was best for your mom at the time. I even felt guilty for giving my mom so much morphine while she was on Hospice. The Hospice doctor said that I was not giving her anywhere near enough. I would ask my mom if she wanted it. At first she would say no. By the end she was asking for it frequently. I felt that I was killing her, but she was already dying. My mom died of COPD. Once I had to call 911 because my mom was virtually unresponsive. They found a kink in her oxygen tubing. She was not getting oxygen. It was my job to check her tubing each day.

My guilt can be debilitating but I sure loved my mom, and I know that you loved yours just as much. For all the mistakes that we made, we loved them foremost. Our mom's knew that. They forgave us and they forgive us.

I pray that you will find peace. You deserve it.

Comment by Avi on May 27, 2018 at 11:04am

Thanks for amazing words Brett. Yes the belief that we will meet our mother in heaven is a great motivation to love life.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 27, 2018 at 10:59am

A friend of mine lost his brother to suicide last year. My friend asked me if I thought that his brother was in Hell. There's a question that no one wants to be asked. There's just no way of knowing. And I don't want to make a joke out of this, but I haven't been the luckiest person since my mom died. If I had ended my own life, that would be just my luck to end up in Hell. Like Virginia said, I don't want to ruin my chances of being with my mom again, and not just for a little while, but for eternity. No thank you.

I do believe that we will be with our mom's again in heaven, but I also  think that we will feel an immediate connection with everyone there, like we have known them forever. We are all a part of the whole (God). God is love. This is just personal opinion, but I think our pets will be there, too. Jesus said that our joy will be complete. I can't imagine my joy being complete without all of my little furry friends.

This is all just a guess on my part. I guess we won't know for sure until we get there.

I told my friend that I thought his brother was in heaven. Part of that was to make him feel better, but also, his brother had severe mental issues. I just can't imagine that God would punish someone for having a disease. One thing I do know is that I cannot speak for God.

I think there is one more thing to consider. Something that means a great deal to me. Christ suffered in a way that we will probably never have to, and he did it knowingly. He always knew how he would die, and he allowed it to happen for our benefit. Just imagine this... He was kicked, punched, spat on, and then scourged. It's important to know what scourging is. He took 40 lashes with a whip. The Romans used to embed shards of glass and nails in the leather. Every lash would have torn skin from bone. That alone would kill most people. We can be sure that his wounds were not treated. And then he had to carry his own cross up a hill where he was nailed to a cross. When he said he was thirsty they gave him vinegar to drink. He hung on that cross until he died.

I'm sorry if I'm preaching to you guys. I don't want to force my beliefs down anyone's throat. It's just that I remember that even Jesus was so nervous before the worst happened that he asked that this cup be removed from him. I guess he realized the answer was no. And then he said, "Your will, not mine." He allowed all of that to happen to him for our sake.

We all have crosses to bear. Unfortunately a lot of it is self imposed. That's the guilt we lay on ourselves. Our crosses are heavy enough already. This life is hard on its own. And sometimes we are fortunate enough that others will help carry our cross. I hope that we will let them, and I hope that we will do the same for others.

Comment by Theresa on May 27, 2018 at 7:21am

I have to add I miss my mom terribly, every single night I get in bed and in the darkness I cry and tell her if you are near me and can hear me I love you mom.  

I say to her one day you will let me know what happened.

Every night I say good night mom I love you, just like she used to say to me every night, she would say "love you sweetheart" talk to you tomorrow.

:(

Comment by Avi on May 27, 2018 at 6:49am

Well said theressa. I have got the first motivation to get out of grief.

My mother always wanted to have our own car which I never bought but now my first aim is to fulfil this wish.

Comment by Theresa on May 27, 2018 at 5:55am

Avi I am very sorry for your loss, this is a great group.

Brett somehow you always seem to shed light on a dismal situation.  Thank you.

Virginia- no God does not allow bad things to happen to people, when we are brought into this world our life has already been laid out like a book, good, bad and ugly, he knows it will happen, but we have to accept and learn to deal with whatever comes our way.

Well I believe people that end their life will be questioned by God, I'm sure it has crossed everyones mind at some point or another in their lifetime.  

I try to keep in mind anything that happened yesterday, one month ago one year ago, we cannot change, my yoga instructor travels the world and he says live in the moment right now, it took me years to be able to do that.

I know like all of us you miss your mom and you have the what if's, I know I do, what if I did this or what if I did that, did I do everything that should have been done I don't know, but I know one thing for certain, one day all of my questions will be answered.  I also know my mom is happy, and at peace, do I believe you will be in heaven with you loved ones NO, you will see them when you are passing on, that' what I think.  

Comment by Avi on May 27, 2018 at 5:36am

Virginia, it will be better if you dont find out the things you should have done better in hospital. It will make your grief stronger.

I tried but stopped in between because it was causing lot of pain.

Comment by Virginia G on May 27, 2018 at 3:34am

Brett, Bluebell,

  thanks for the love and for caring.  I am still afraid of not knowing what happens to people that end their life.  I wouldnt want to ruin my only chance to be with her again.  Then again, wouldn’t a loving God forgive that?  I always wonder how God can allow horrible things to happen to good people.  

  Right now I am trying desperately to find out what happened in the hospital and if I could have done something.  I don’t know how I can live with myself thinking I could have. 

  As far as me as a person, all I think about now are all the things I’ve done wrong in my life.  It’s disturbing how many I came up with.  I wish I was more like my Mom.

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