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Comment by Theresa on February 15, 2020 at 10:25am

Brenda.   I am terribly anxious every day.  I try to have faith in God to get me through whatever I am dealing with.  
I have a dog who is goi g to be 13 in April and all I do is worry about him. My last dog I had my mom to lean on and help me with my feelings.  Now I’m lost anxious and it’s a bad way to live.  People tell me go to the dr get something but I need to face it not mask it.  

Comment by Brenda on February 15, 2020 at 10:07am

I am having such a difficult time getting up and getting through the day without being a total puddle on the floor.  I am feeling anxious all the time and missing my mom so much.  I am just so sad all the time.  I feel no joy anymore.  

Comment by Theresa on February 14, 2020 at 12:38pm

Me too :(

Comment by Brenda on February 14, 2020 at 11:53am

Valentine's day, the day to tell others you love them and care for them, I would give anything to be able to tell my mom how much I love and care for her!  Missing you, loving you, today and everyday day mom!  

Comment by Brenda on February 13, 2020 at 6:48pm

It's good to hear others stories here, you get how hard things were and still are.  They tell me in my grief group that tears and sadness are because you loved so much, I believe that, but it scares me at the same time.  Going through my mom's journey side by side with her has made me fearful of loving someone else.  I don't think my heart can take it, I feel broken and unfixable.  I wake up at night in horrible sweat and tears.  It helps to have people here, I have pushed friends out of the picture because they just don't understand at all.  Here everyone gets it and allows me to talk about my grief without making me feel bad about it, thank you for that!  Hopeful my mom is missing me as much as I miss her!  

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 13, 2020 at 6:14pm

Brenda, I just read your story. Mine is very similar. No matter how sick mom became (she had five forms of cancer, COPD, and congestive heart failure), I still wanted to be the one who took care of her. Mom wanted to die at home, and I was going to make that happen no matter what. We had a long journey. It lasted 12 years. I knew that day would come when it would end, but I always held out hope that the doctors would pull her through one more time. It was akin to being in a little boat that springs a leak. I would plug one leak and then several more would appear. I was shocked when my mom's ER doctor told me that it was time for Hospice. I realized that t here would be no more miracles. I remember going into my mom's hospital room. A Hospice doctor was already there. Mom didn't understand what was happening. I asked the doctor to leave the room and let me tell her. I told my mom that she was going to die. It about killed me.

Even on mom's first night on Hospice care, mom asked me what the recovery plan was. I said, "Mom... there isn't one." Again... it about killed me. I loved on her with all of my might until the day came. I hated to give my mom morphine but it really made thing easier for her. Every time I would give her a shot I would  think, "I'm killing my mom." I have a lot of guilt as well. I don't know a person could experience what we have and not feel guilt, deserved or not.

I wish I had apologized for every bad thing I ever did, tough I know my mom would have just rolled her eyes. Yes, I have guilt, but love trumps that.   

Comment by Brett Bowman on February 13, 2020 at 6:00pm

Brenda, my mom died at home. She was on Hospice care. I was with her when she took her last breath. What hurt me the most was that my mom had become so detached. That wasn't her fault. She was just too sick to have emotion. I told her that I loved her a million times, but she knew she was about to leave.

My mom died by the light of a Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, and like Theresa, I could do without the whole month of December. Hearing a Christmas Carol can reduce me to a puddle. My mom was my world. We were always so close, but the last few years when I was her caretaker brought us so much closer. There is not a morning that I wake up and do not remember, "Oh, yeah. Mom died." What a way to start the day.

So, we know what it's like to lose a mom. You are in good company. I always understand when Theresa says that she has no one to lean on. I mean, I have friends, but nothing can replace what we have lost. At least, here people understand.

Comment by Brenda on February 13, 2020 at 4:32pm

Theresa my heart cries knowing everyone's stories, but this is a place of comfort for me also.  It seems as though this first year of every holiday or special event is crushing me, losing her 12/30, her birthday January, my birthday coming up, it's just so much.  The pain of complete sadness is horrible.  Everyone tells you make a wish, my wish could never come true today, but I do have hope to be united with my mom, that hope keeps me going. My mom was 69 years young and we had so many plans of things to do and see together.  My desire to do things is empty, trying to take one step at a time, which ends up becoming to emotional at times.  Trying to honor my mother by being a good person in the world, although very difficult without your #1 fan/cheerleader. Love you every minute of everyday mom!

Comment by Theresa on February 13, 2020 at 3:31pm

Brenda, I feel the same way about my mom we were very very close, she had me at 42 years old, my brother is 17 years older than me.

She was my everything, I still cry, I miss her so much, I just really have no one to lean on like her.

You were very fortunate you were there with your mom at her last breath, I was not, my mom was home at 7am and that was the last time I talked to her, she wasn't feeling well, for a couple of days her stomach she said, but she still met her friends like usual, that was on Friday 12/18, I spoke with her on Saturday morning she called the dr and was going to the hospital, she said dr wanted her to call ambulance, she had no distress in her voice whatsoever, I left my residence right away and was pulling in the hospital lot, when I got a call from an unknown number, the nurse from the ER stating your mom is in full cardiac arrest, do you want us to perform CPR, I was like yes my gosh, I thought let me just jump out of the car and run through the doors, someone grabbed me and tried to sit in a room with me while they worked on my mom, and I thought, oh no I'm going to my mom, I got up and ran out, I found her with them doing chest compressions, and the dr asking me all sorts of questions, its all a blur, he last words to me were do you want me to continue doing this to your mom, I said I she breathing he said no, I said no, I just looked at my mom with the tube coming out of her mouth, all 5 feet 100 lbs of her, I was frozen couldn't move, I had to go outside and call my brother who lives 5 hours away, he came right away, I was not there when she took her last breath, I live with that every day, even though I know my mom went to church every day and prayed please don't let my daughter have to take care of me.  It was God's will.  Everyone left me standing there with the exception of one nurse, who said something to me, she said I just want to let you know I was talking to your mom and I turned around and her eyes rolled back, it was very peaceful.  I thought well thank you dear God her suffering was minimal I hope.   So please know it still hurts everyday.  Talking to people on this site definitely helped me, as Brett said we both lost our moms in the same time frame.

Sadly, my dad passed on December 14, my mom on December 19, my grandmother on December 24th, different years, but December is a month I can do without.

Comment by Brenda on February 13, 2020 at 2:06pm

My mom and I have been each others world since my parents divorce when I was 8. My mom has been my everything and in the same respect I was hers. We have talked everyday several times a day everyday. My mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma stage 4 brain cancer, I remember walking outside the hospital to throw up when I was told. I always knew I would do anything and everything for my mom, so taking her home and caring for her everyday, was no concern to me, I just hoped I would be able to handle everything, dr.s appointments, her meds, therapies, food, care, her support. I would do anything for my mom, she was and is my life! I had siblings who couldn't give as much and often would want me to place mom in a home, I would never, could never. I struggle sometimes because I wished I could of done something more, I don't know what or how, just more. My mom and I were thick as thieves together. And I always knew, felt in my heart,I should go first, I think my mom knew that too, when she was diagnosed she was more concerned about me and who would take care of, look out for me. I am now finding out she had conversations with everyone about looking out for me. During her 10 months of diagnosis and fight for life, she worried about me everyday and I worried about her every minute of the day. I know you understand the love and closeness I had with my mom, because so many of you cherished the same relationship. She was and is my everything. I just feel so lost and lonely without her physical presence. Glioblastoma is a horrible cancer, a piece of my mom was lost everyday, but she never forgot me. I am going through guilt of not giving or doing enough, loss of a piece of me, and this incredible amount of sadness. Seeing and watching your loved one on a daily basis transition in front of your eyes is complete sadness, but yet the best gift the lord could have given me. I was with my mom, holding her, loving her until her last breath. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. My mom, like so many of yours is my everything! How does one continue when they feel they have nothing?

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