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What to do about my father? Please offer some advice :(
My mum had been ill for a long time but it was only in January when she had a heart attack that they found out it was cancer and it had spread everywhere, by April she was gone. In those 4 months my sister and I took the best care for her as we could - both being young women, at only 19 and 22. We sacrificed a lot and we put her first - staying up for sleepless nights to tend to her. It was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to go through - seeing her deteriorating everyday. She suffered a stroke 2 weeks before she died and she couldn't speak or move - it was so so so painful and I can't even think about it without welling up immediately. She was my best friend, my rock and my guidance.
In all this time my father did not help us with any of this.
My father has never been the greatest. He's never been violent but he's been mentally abusive, especially to my mother. I could go on about the cruelty and the suffering he has cause but I'm afraid there is too much to tell. She was the most amazing woman and she led an unhappy life because of him, he made her feel worthless and vulnerable and I'm so angry that she wasn't loved like she should have been.
Basically now, he's going round our town, all tears and acting the victim. It gets me so angry - everyone thinks he's such a good man. We live in a very small community and my Mum always had the "what happens in this house stays in this house" attitude, so everyone has always pictured us the perfect happy family. He now tells people that my sister and I aren't being there for him now that he needs us - and that we're not being good daughters. I wish everyone knew what kind of husband and father he's been. I know I shouldn't care what people think but it bothers me that he is now giving my sister and I a bad name. I don't know what to do - it's all so upsetting, I've tried telling some people what he's really like but they just think I'm being emotional and harsh on him after my mother's passed... how can I handle this situation :(
There are so many conflicting emotions going on inside me right now and the one person I want to ask advice from is not here. What can I do :'(
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Broome on
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So very sorry Anonymous that's not right of your father to do. I would let people think what they want you know the truth. You have enough to worry about with losing your mom. Your father seems very selfish and that's very sad. They will find out the truth about him. Karma has a way of dealing with those type of people. It's not right what he's doing but if you do something about it right now, what he's saying just looks like he's telling the truth so I would ignore it for now and just try and do the best you can. My mom passed from cancer too 7 months ago. So I know first hand how hard that can be. I'm not as young as you. But I know how it feels to lose a mother. My mom was 53, when she passed and I was 29.
If you ever need to talk I'm here, Big hugs to you
Melissa
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Permalink Reply by Jenny G on
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I'm so sorry about your loss. My mom recently passed away, from cardiac arrest following a stroke and while my father isn't behaving to the extreme as yours is, I can relate. The way I'm coping with it is just being the best person I can be even when I feel like falling apart.
Character is how you behave when things go wrong. Keep your head held high and cry when you need to.
You can't change people's opinions of you, so just be the person you can be for yourself.
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Permalink Reply by Trisha H on
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K.T...first off, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom last May and it still stings as if it were yesterday. I can relate a bit to your dilemma with your Dad. When my Mom got sick, my Dad virtually shut down. He was at the hospital each day, but he spent more time worrying about HIS comfort than my Mom's. Everyone started to dote on him and worry bout his health to the point of nausea for me. He would go home early each night...leaving my Mom alone..so I often would stay until they called lights out so that she wouldn't feel deserted. I don't know how anyone could think to leave their soulmate in a situation like that, but apparently, that was his way of dealing with things, to run away. After she passed, it again turned to taking care of him and his pain. And while I feel he should be tended to, I think it's detrimental to ignore my own pain in order to do that.
And that is the best advice I can offer to you in this situation. Being a caretaker as you and your sister were, can really take a toll on you. You push so much of your own pain aside because you have to in order to be strong enough to help others. Now is the time to worry about taking care of you. Your dad is gonna do what he is gonna do and say what he is gonna say. Whether it is his way of dealing with grief or his way of saving face, you may never know, but you can't beat yourself up trying to worry bout it. You need to deal with your own grief. Peel back those layers of pain that you have buried for so long. Everyone deals in their own way and your dad is not your responsibility. I know that might sound harsh, but like in any situation, if you don't take care of you first, you will be no good to anyone anyway.
Just know you are not alone and anytime you need to talk..you have someone hear that understands. It's theraputic to write out your emotions, trust me. Hugs..hang in there
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