Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Emily on May 5, 2013 at 1:17pm

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and aunt. I lost my mom on Dec 27,2012. I've never been pregnant but what you say about the hormones makes sense. Please feel free to message me anytime. Music helps me a lot, and I've done some online research about grief, its normal to feel not normal, to feel like you are going crazy. You are experiencing a lot of stress while trying to cope with some thing that is good -having a child with your husband. Crying is good, I know it takes  a lot out of you and the people who love you, but I would never encourage you to stop crying.

Permalink Reply by Maddy on May 5, 2013 at 1:36pm

Thank you for your support. Sometimes it just helps if I can just write what I am feeling - even though it comes out all jumbled at times.

It's hard to talk to other people who have been affected by this because even though sometimes they will directly ask me how I am feeling...it always ends up being about how they are feeling and I end up just keeping it in even more. I am the oldest child and the only girl and I have always been a 'second mom' to my brothers....and now I feel like I have to be that even more. Moreover, with my baby on the way in under 3 months, I feel like my grief has a deadline - and sometimes I think that is a good thing. (Although my husband keeps telling me to stop putting so much pressure on myself.)

I feel like there are two of me right now. The person who has to be strong for everyone and who has to be a mom herself soon. And the person who feels useless and incompetent.

I know I am supposed to cry - you are right. I just hate it. I hate that it is pointless and seems to do no good at all. I hate that I can't stop crying.

Thank you for the music tip. I do play music, although mostly for the baby. I put headphones on my stomach. It helps me to think that at least he is being soothed - I would hate for him to be experiencing what I am experiencing even in a small way.

Permalink Reply by Emily on May 5, 2013 at 1:46pm

I live with my dad and help take care of him, so I feel the need to be strong for him, so I also feel like there are two of me. Its hard to be there for others and also take care of oneself. I'd like to believe that at some point both of us will cry less, but it takes time. I don't want to burden you with my story as you are dealing with a lot right now, I've experienced loss and trauma besides losing my mom. Your welcome, I don't know if its the same for you, but its hard for me to go out and be around people.

Permalink Reply by Mary on May 5, 2013 at 5:01pm

Maddy, I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom a little over a year ago.  Although I was not pregnant, she was everything to me and the grief I experienced unbearable at times.  It has only been 2 months and I honestly believe you are just in the early stages of grief.  If your husband truly loves you, he understands and knows what you are going through is very difficult on you.  You really need to just go with the emotions.  The heavy feeling, that is the grief as well.  I felt like my body was so heavy at times that I could not move and breath.  What I can tell you is that it DOES get easier and the grief will lessen, but it takes time.  I actually experienced the worst periods of grief at 2 months and then at 8 months.  Every time there is a life event, you feel that twinge of grief again.  When your baby is born there will be joy joy joy, but a twinge of grief as well because your mom is not there, but trust me, she will be there.  For the first year I wanted to badly to feel my mothers presence and yet I did not, but just in the last 2 months I feel her all the time, hear her talking to me, and smell her.  Crying is GOOD for you, it is a healthy release.  Take your husbands advise and take the pressure off yourself, you deserve it and your baby does too. 

Permalink Reply by Maddy on May 5, 2013 at 6:47pm

Thank you Mary, for your kind words of support and for giving me some hope that at some point this will get better. But mostly for being honest with me and letting me know that how I am feeling is normal.

I wasn't sure what the "heavy" feeling was....I just felt heavy. Sometimes I feel like I could just sink into myself.

I am trying for very hard to keep it together....but it's honestly like even when I am super happy (when I am laughing with friends or laughing with my husband at my tummy bouncing around) I am still desperately sad. I a split in two. I think however, the worst feeling is the anger. Sometimes I get so angry and I have nowhere to direct it.

I hope I didn't make my husband sound horrible. He really has been my rock - he has some experience with this as he lost his father at the age of 20. It's more my being paranoid that he will get fed up with me to be honest.

Permalink Reply by Mary on May 5, 2013 at 8:10pm

Oh never fear you did not make your husband sound horrible :) Anger is normal.  I personally took my anger out on God.  I felt guilty being angry with God but everyone reassured me it was normal and ok and that he understood. I used to feel guilty when I was happy, but they say that is normal too.

Permalink Reply by Amanda on May 17, 2013 at 4:23pm

I'm very sorry for your loss, which is too similar to my own. On April 6, 2013, my mother also died suddenly and unexpectedly. I am also pregnant, but with my second child, due in early July. I can relate to so many of your feelings. I doubt that I'm any further along in this grief than you are, so I'm not likely to be much "help", but please contact me if you want to reach out to someone who is in a very similar situation.