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Feeling lost
My mom died April 19, 2014. never did we think she'd die before my dad, who had heart and kidney trouble. She died at 9:27...born on 9/27/1923, although she always put 10/28/1933 as her birth year. I never did find out why she changed the birth date and month, but she was always a beautiful woman and never looked her age. I have so much I want to write but can't; my heart is too jagged with grief even now. Dad died April 11 of this year, and now I'm a 53 year old orphan. He lived longer without mom than we had thought possible. When mom died, it was like the sun was knocked out of dad's sky. And now, I realize, out of mine. I love you so much, ma.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Heather on
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Ann, I so understand your feelings of being lost. First thought in the morning is the thought that I can't believe she's gone:-(... My dad passed away 13 years ago which was so devastating, and now mom has been gone for 7 weeks (tomorrow) and this sadness just weighs on me and sits with me all day, everyday. I miss her so much, her laugh, her smile, her fierce love of life...no doubt about it, this sucks...
I wish you peace, Ann...take care of yourself -
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Ann, "JESUS" spoke My Mom's name on Nov. 23, 2015, at 12:35p.m. My relationship with My Mom amazed people. I am not married & have 6 kids with 4 legs. I am 54, never married. I have a sibling 5yrs older than me. We are total opposites in everything. She is married, 2 grown kids & her first grandchild. We are not close in any manner. When my parents starting aging & both became ill at the same time she was no where to be found. In 2012 My Dad was on life support in 1 hospital & My Mom in MICU in another. I feel as you do that I am an orphan or an only child. My Mom was not sick at the time. She had a massive CVA on Nov. 5, 2015, that paralyzed her on the right side & then developed pulmonary embolism bilateral lung. The hemorraghe of her bleed never stopped & surgery was not an option due to blood thinners needed during the surgery because the clot in the left thallamus contiuned bleeding out. Before all this occurred My parents bounced back from their previous illness in the hospitals. My Dad recovered & came home off life support & by "JESUS" Grace of 17yrs given to me in orthopedics, "JESUS" help me rehab My Mom & Dad without home health. When My Dad felt well My Mom would spend three & 4 nights a week with me. We were inseparable. My Mom was my all though I love My Dad with all of my heart. He began to function & travel on hunting trips together with friends & My Mom became my world. I had a breakdown while they were both hospitalized & was diagnosed with agoraphobia, panic/aniexty disorder & PTSD. I isolated & continue to do so more than ever now. When Mom stayed with me it was the very life of my heart. We cooked, read the Bible, watched movies & laughed. Each morning I cooked & served her breakfast in bed just because I Loved Her. We slept together & at night she would turn on her right side & I would do the same, placing my arm around her, holding her hand, we would say our prayers & go sound asleep like there was no one in the world, but My Mom & I. We were a sight to behold. Now I care for Dad who is 81 & continues to be active, but My Mom's death is taking its toll on him daily & he is slipping more each day. I am lost, I check on Dad everyday & then I go to the cemetery & spend the rest of my days with Mom. I know she is not there, but to me I am close as I can be. I hug her headstone, play music she loves & I talk to her. I am grieving myself to death while holding My Dad up at the same time. I am isolated far in the country. I've found no solace from family & I have a few friends who keep me accountable as I have tried to take my life 3x's without success. I believe how could "JESUS" refuse me in Heaven when "HE" knows how miserable I am. I have sought counseling. Should I take my life then my sister would place My Dad in a nursing home or assisted living. He remains home & refuses to allow me to move in. It will not be long before "JESUS" speaks Dad's name because he is tired, lonely & his grief is killing him in spite of all I try to do. It seems when Mom passed that the world closed in on Dad because his friends stop calling & coming. My isolation is worse & without Mom? Everyday is the same. All I do is cry, but not in front of Dad. My world is flipped upside down. Yet, now I know & believe that there is a grieving process, something I did not believe in. I will pray for you & keep you in my thoughts. This journey is never anyone should travel alone. Mom, I have finally found individuals who understand. "JESUS" tell Mom I miss her with all I am & ever hope to be. Please "JESUS" I pray peace for Ann. "YOUR" Peace that surpasses all understanding. Ann I'm standing in the gap for you. Hold on even if its one minute at a time like I do please. You are not alone.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa Green on
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Marla,
It is hard to imagine how you hold it together without the love and support from family and friends. It is the most difficult thing in the world for a person to go through. I'm glad you found this page. The people here do truly understand in ways that no one else can. It is a wonderful place to find comfort and peace. Isolation is a downward spiral. Do whatever you can to NOT isolate yourself. it gets worse if you do and harder to come back from. Go places where there are people, any people and try to interact at least some. Kids sports games are a great place. Watching children play and excel somehow always puts a smile on my face. Of course church is another great place to go when you want to isolate. Get involved at church and volunteer to do things there. I hope these things help even a little.
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Thank you Lisa. It's a blessing to know that you took time out of your day to acknowledge my pain & grief. I appreciate you.
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I am sorry for your loss as well. I am blessed with three wonderful daughters who were close to my parents in both proximity and lifestyle. I've had to be strong for them but I feel incredibly lost at times.
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Permalink Reply by Theresa on
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I feel the same way eight months and I cry every morning.
I miss her so much.
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I also can relate to what you said Ann my mom died in the hospital December 17 2015. It's been 8 months now and the sun does not shine where I live either..both my parents are gone I miss my mom more than ever and my dad. My mom was my best friend. I still cry at night. God bless you and your heart.
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Diane,
I miss my dad too but it was mom with whom I had the most connection to...even though we would argue at times. Now I understand her so much more than when she was here. We will get through this. The sun will shine. Wendy
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Ann, I think you described it perfectly when you said the sun was knocked out of the sky when your mom died for both you and your dad. I feel the same way. My dad is so completely lost and behaving in ways he never did when mom was alive. I lost my mom Feb. 24, 2016. Wednesday will make six months she has been gone. It becomes more real every day that I'm living life without her in it but it does not get easier.
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Lisa,
I hear you about your dad. Mom was the rudder, and I don't think that even I, as their closest child here, fully understood how his mind was slipping along with his physical being. Both my parents enjoyed a long, full life, but I think that Stephen Colbert said it best when he gave a moving tribute to his own mother who died in 2013:
And I know it may sound greedy to want more days with a person who lived so long, but the fact that my mother was 92 does not diminish, it only magnifies, the enormity of the room whose door has now quietly shut.
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