Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kaitlyn on October 29, 2011 at 10:40pm

I never thought of it that way. I think I'm scared of not knowing what's going to happen to me now that my mum's gone. Also, I understand about soul crushing grief, some mornings I just don't feel like getting up. I'm thankful, even though I feel alone, I have my classes and my roomates that keep me moving. I'm also thankful that they understand when I need space. I feel like society doesn't really get that, it just expects us to keep going no matter how awful the pain.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on October 30, 2011 at 8:36am

Hi,

My mom died June 26, 2011 of complications of cancer/chemo. My life has forever changed and I am completely alone now. I have good friends, thank goodness. Night terrors are horrible. I often have them myself. Stress brings them on as well as fear. I thought I was handling life better than I took 20 steps backwards. I wake up worrying at 2:32 am just about every night. I know this sounds dumb..but say your prayers before you go to bed and ask God to protect you from nightmares. When I do,,he usually delivers! Kaitlyn..you are not alone. Every waking hour your mum is with you - just look in the mirror. She is inside of you...running through your veins every time your heart beats. You are one. This is the one fact you can believe in. Make your mission in life all about making her proud of the life she gave to you. Be good, humble and kind to all living things and you will surely be reunited with your mum in the Garden of Souls - Heaven. Find a occupation that you are able to live compassionately. Give. Your life is not about you but the great things that you do with your life. Do not become distracted by other's in your path. Do good things and you will find the peace you are looking for until you have earned your way to be with your mum. Know this...she is in the most remarkable place now. It isn't about society getting it..it's about YOU getting it. Getting through one hour at a time is the best way to live in the moment. Sue

Permalink Reply by Amanda A. on November 27, 2011 at 5:52am

I lost my mother on September 23rd, 2011 to end stage liver cancer. I am 31 and have 3 small children. I struggle everyday and there are times that all I want to do is lay in my bed and cry. I just decided to join a support group because everyone around me can see that I am struggling and suggested that I talk to other people that are going through the same pain. When my mom died, a piece of me did too, and I dont know how to just "go on" I feel guilty, like we are moving on without her.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on November 27, 2011 at 7:04am

Dear Amanda,

I too lost my mother - June 26, 2011. I am very sorry that you have lost your mother to cancer as I have You have children who need you...as you needed your mom. Your loss has forever changed the life you once lived. When someone you loves dies....you have to learn to live without them. The emptiness is unrelenting. She was all I had. The ONLY thing that matters is that she is no longer suffering physically. And I am sure your mother suffered from her cancer like mine did. Why did our moms have to get cancer? No answers there. As the days go on...I realize how blessed I was to have the times I did with her. She loved me more than anyone ever has or will. You lost your mother very early in your life. I am 55 (mom and I share our birthday December 19th). I am not going to celebrate my birthday or Christmas. Mom and I always go so much joy out of shopping together for the perfect present for everyone. Those days are gone for me...but you have your children. The holidays are going to be VERY hard for you without your mom. When our moms die part of us DOES die. You came to the right place. I have made many wonderful friends here. We are all here for the same reason. Love and friendship - Sue

Permalink Reply by Amanda A. on December 1, 2011 at 1:44am

Thank you Sue... I am trying really hard to make sure that the holidays are still special for my children, I have always said that I put on my "brave face" for them. I dont want them to look back on their childhood and feel like I lost touch beause of this. I had a wonderful mother and she was such a wonderful grandmother. I talk about her all the time to the kids and we share stories all the time. There are some people in my family that feel I guess like they cant talk about her? I am not the kind of her person who is going to act like she didnt exsist because she is gone, I miss her more than anything in this world, it actually makes me feel better to say her name and talk about her, she was awesome. I want my kids to grow up hearing about her and remembering all the good times we had, which were MANY.. I am glad that I found this support group, I feel better getting my feelings out.. feels freeing!

Permalink Reply by Jaime on November 27, 2011 at 10:36am

I lost my mother three years ago and I still struggle with these night terrors.  Last night even.  I knew I was going to visit her grave this morning (it's not an easy thing for me to do - I've only been able to go a few times as it's just too hard for me) and I'm finding that these sorts of dreams happen when I have a lot on my mind.  Perhaps it was knowing I was going today that screwed with me.  I don't know.  Sometimes they happen just because too though.

 

I agree with you guys.  When we lose our mothers, a part of us really does die as well.  It's so hard to explain the magnitude of this kind of loss (I've lost all of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) but when it's your mother?  Unless you've been there, you can't possibly begin to understand how much this hurts.  I ache for her all of the time.  I lost her when I was 31 years old and I feel like everything was cut short, unfinished if you will.  I had so much of my life to share with her still. 

 

I'm so sorry for all of your losses.  I just joined this group and I have to say, being here already helps.  When someone knows how you're feeling and can understand why you feel the way you do, why you sometimes have moodswings, cry for no reason, snap or just want to be left alone - it helps so much.  Sometimes the best thing for me is someone listening.  I mean really just listening to me without questioning why...

 

As for what may help stop the night terrors, I kind of like the idea of praying about them before falling asleep.  I honestly didn't even think to go that route but it can't hurt to try?  If that falls within your beliefs of course.  But even if you're not religious, perhaps doing some things for yourself before bed may help?  Reading a book, watching a funny movie that isn't too hard on the heart, taking a nice warm bath to relax your mind or even talking to a friend/partner about how you're feeling. 

 

I hope things get better for you soon.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Amanda A. on December 1, 2011 at 1:52am

Jamie, I love what you said about you still having so much of your life you wanted to share with your mom. I feel the same exact way, I feel like my children have been jipped from their grandma, I have been jipped from my mom. I want to call her everyday and tell her something funny. I want to call her when something happens and I am upset, because she always knew what to say and it made perfect sense. I love my dad with all my heart and we have a really good loving relationship, but he is my dad and not my mom, the relationship is just different, she was my best friend, the person that I told everything to and the person who knew me best. I think we can all relate to the moodswings, crying, being angry. Its all normal, I keep telling myself that. It makes it hard to believe though when you are setting on the couch and you cannot make yourself get up and do anything. Your body feels paralized with grief. My children are my shining lights, and I am blessed beyond belief with them and  a wonderful supportive husband who takes my outbursts in great stride. He knows its not me, its the grieving. I am working so hard not to lash out at him or the children, but find myself with a mighty short fuse. I am glad to have found this group. Thank you for sharing your feelings, I know for me its not always easy.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on December 1, 2011 at 12:06pm

Hi,

Night terrors are related to horrific dreams that usually happen as soon as we go into deep sleep. Depression, anxiety, fear bring them on. There is no big secret about why you are experiencing them. I lost my mom June 26, 2011 and experienced them on and off ever since. Only lately have my dreams changed to not so horrible waking up screaming dreams. My mother was all I had. So fear, anxiety and depression lived inside of me 24/7. I am on the antidepressent Effexor which I absolutely recommend to EVERYONE who is depressed/anxious. I myself have come to terms that mother is no longer physically here, she is no longer suffering, she is in heaven and I will see her one day. I do not allow myself to go to sad places because it only hurts me more. Everything we do begins with a thought. What you allow into your head makes a big difference. I tell myself "I won't go there"..when I start visualizing my last moments with mother. Watching the life leave her body haunts me. I cannot change what has happened. That was up to God. Kaitlyn find a place in your head that you can live with you moms death. Some days I am in denial because that what I have to do. I don't think we "heal". We just come to a place where we learn to live without them. The hardest part for me is creating a life for myself without my mother in it. Your mother is still your mother and you are still her daughter. She is just ahead of you in this journey we are all on. I am here for you. Love and Huggs Sue

Permalink Reply by Kris Baclawski on December 5, 2011 at 9:57am

Hi Kaitlyn:

I lost my mom in June due to a massive stroke following emergency surgery.   She entered the hospital with a colon bleed out on Saturday morning, had surgery on Sunday, and suffered the stroke in the early hours of Monday morning.  Our family decided to remove her from life support. 

Our last conversation was before her surgery.  She told me she was scared...and the best I could do was tell her that under the circumstances I would be as well.  Then they wheeled her away.  Much of the time she was in recovery until the nursing staff allowed the family in, I was alone--my sister had gone home to take her dog out.   Whatever pain meds they had given Mom were not working.  Watching her suffer was hell...and it's just been the last couple months that I'm having problems with flashbacks -- not at nighttime.

I went into my doctor a couple of weeks ago.  We talked about my depression and I mentioned my "flashbacks". She allowed me to talk about my experiences.  She agreed that they were "violent"; and then gave me a questionnaire regarding my ability to carry on regular daily activities (sleeping, eating, feeling that there's nothing to live for, etc) --checking for the severity of my depressive symptoms.   While I am already taking Zoloft, she prescribed a 30-day supply of a  low dose anti-anxiety drug to take if I needed it.  She said it might be helpful to take it at bedtime.  So far I've just taken 1 tablet.

Talk to your doctor, counselor or some research about post traumatic stress.  If you don't want to use an antidepressant, you might try to find a hypnotherapist to help you cope with the night terrors.  Another technique some psychologists use is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. 

I hope this helps,

Kris