Comment

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 13, 2011 at 11:13pm

Hi Kerry,

I've worked with many caregivers who regretted not saying or doing something for a loved one before they died. What helped many was the creation of a "goodbye-I"m sorry ritual" where all of those things the person would have wanted to say to a loved, are said, not privately, but in the presence of family and friends.

 

I know it sounds intimidating, but closure is never easy. Hope this helps.

 

Take Care,

Stan

 

Comment by Kerry Whitley on March 12, 2011 at 11:54pm

Hi Everyone,

I lost my dad for the final time in 2007...my parents divorced when I was 5 years old and my brother was only 3. He got us every other weekend and some holidays and some days during the summer then one weekend he stopped coming to get us...I was age 10 at the time. So, from age 10 to age 16 I had no idea where he was or if he was alive or not, but at the age of 16 I decided to look for him. When I found him he and I got close through letters and phone calls but there was a lot of "empty" promises from age 16 until the middle of my senior year in high school...so, I told him if you want to see me then you need to come to Oklahoma to see me i am not stopping my life or gonna get my hopes up to come see you. Anyways, long story short, my mom was murdered in 1994 (my senior year in high school) and I called my dad hoping he would come through and come out here to help my brothers and me, but he was getting married 2 days after the funeral so he couldn't come.  I have never forgiven him for that, but I did get closer to him later on before he passed away.  The first time I saw him after the age of 10 was at the age of 20 when I got married, but I did not let him give me away at my wedding, I had my mom's finance give me away. I love my dad and I miss the good times we did have and that I can remember and I guess those are the feelings that really get to me sometimes.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 9, 2011 at 9:24am

Hi Katie,

It's a difficult question that I can see poses a dilemma for you: Whose needs are more important, yours or your mothers? But I don't think it's a zero-sum problem (someone wins and someone loses). What I've found is that there is a natural resentment when someone takes over the identity of the person who died.

 

I don't think there is any expectation on the part of your mother that her new husband will be a replacement your father. I've found that people who are grieving the loss of a partner not only grieve for that person's presence, but also the emotions that the person who died created in them. And if those feeling were significant, the grief experienced by that person is debilitating. If you look back on many of the posts here, you might find some similarities to what your mother was experiencing. 

 

Getting over grief, or just modifying it, is a difficult process and one that needs support. Your mother may have found it with her new husband. It might be helpful to think what it was about your father that caused you to grieve. It isn't important that her new husband doesn't have those characteristics. Your grief and your mother's grief are different. Each of you had a different relationship with your father.

 

I think your mother may need your support at this time. And possibly you might want to find some ways of re-creating the emotions your father engendered in you--not by looking for them in your mother's new husband, but in other people or activities. Hope this helps.

 

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Katie Reid on March 9, 2011 at 8:28am

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my Dads death.  Everyone says it should get easier, but in my opinion, it is more difficult.  At first when he passed, my relationship with my Mom has stayed pretty much the same.  If anything we were closer.  Now she, has started dating someone else.  And I feel as though I am losing my Dad all over again.  I am sure her new friend is a the greatest guy in the universe, but I am just not ready to let someone new in my life.  She just cant understand why and I am afraid that I will lose her too.  I am 25 years old, and I knew this would happen eventually, so why am I acting like a spoiled kid?  Does any one have any advice for me?

Comment by Kara Grygiel on February 25, 2011 at 11:09pm

I recently joined this site to deal with the loss of my dad on January 27th 2011. I feel so lost without him. Seems like no matter whom I try to talk to in my circle of friends I get the cold shoulder and feel that I am by myself to deal. I am very thankful to have my boyfriend of a year by my side through this ordeal but I feel like I overwhelm him with my grief. I really never had any close family members die so this is a huge blow and I'm not sure if I will ever recover. I just hope there is someone that will read this that may have been through the same thing and pulled through. Honestly I don't know what else to do.

Comment by Patricia Melton on January 29, 2011 at 12:12am

Hello all,  I hope everyone is as good as they possibly can be.  I haven't been here in awhile.  I am still having such a hard time with Dad's death.  For those of you who don't know me, he died April 20, 2010.  The holidays were a nightmare.  I am usually the person in the family who gets everyone together and puts up alot of holiday decorations.  I just couldn't do the decorations this year.  I did manage to help my mother (parents were divorced) get all my siblings and families together.  I also learned my brother couldn't bring himself to do decorations either.  I think maybe we just couldn't bring ourselves to be happy.  On the outside we were but on the inside it was just horrible for me.  The new year we went out of town.  I soon found out that wasn't a good idea either.  I just cried and cried when the new year came in.  It was now the year that Dad wasn't here.  Just about every day its Dad was still alive a year ago today.  It's just so heartbreaking.  My birthday is coming and I so dread that day as well.  Dad took me out for my birthday last year.  He had cancer and it took a great deal for him to go out.  So it meant alot to me.  And then the year anniversary of his death is coming too.  I know I should be trying to remember the good times but its just so hard when I miss him so much.  He was the person I could always go to when I had other problems and boy do I have more problems and stress than I can stand right now.  I don't have insurance and can't afford to go for help.  I was going to go to Grief Share but when I read up on it, its more about learning about the Bible to help with your grief.  I feel I don't need help that way.  I already have a church I attend and I even am employed by our church.  If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate any and all help.  Thank you for letting me go on and on and on. 

Comment by roseygonzales@msn.com on January 18, 2011 at 10:41am

@Mel: Thank you my brother.  I've read that book and it was comforting.  I guess with all the death's that I had to endure I closed down and thought it will go away.  I guess I was wrong.  Today I feel like a lost 6 year old in the corner wishing I could just sleep and sleep wake up go to the rest room and go back to sleep.  I have one sister that just bugs and bugs about her what I didn't do, I wish se would just leave me alone. See when daddy was on hospice I was the ONLY one that went to see him everyday, I washed his clothes and made sure he was well taken cared off.  My brother was a once week visit son (but called everyday), one sister was whenever you called her came to visit, and the bug was when I can fly in daughter, the one up North was a never daughter that didn't even come to his funeral.  Daddy always had a saying "if you don't have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all" and at his funeral that was one of the things she said.  Now she is like a talk parrot that won't shut-up! Ugh...  I went to bed last night with the thought good intell and bad intell and she came to my mind.  I know it's not nice to say but I just don't want to know about my family (sisters and brother) anymore.  They are so much work...I get myself to a happy, peaceful place and bam they call and we start it all over again.  Please stop this ride!!! lol.  Mel I am glad someone final gets me. I have been doing crafts to take away some of the pain.  Right now I just want to run down the street screaming.  Mind you I am not nuts...it's just the inside feelings.  Since his birthday is coming Mel I just feel my insides dying of the pain that he is not with me.  We had a saying "You are my best friend and I love you like super glue on wood". I want him back! I know that we will see each other again in heaven I know that...I guess this is what Mary felt when she saw Jesus on the cross, huh?  

Comment by Mel Joyce on January 18, 2011 at 3:19am

@Rosey-I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad on March 4, 2010. I went thru his birthday in November, then the holidays, and now coming up on the one year anniversary of his death. I have been in a constant state of bewilderment too. I am a believer and felt strong in my faith, but nothing prepares you for the loss of a loved one. The permanency of not having your loved one around is a concept that makes your mind hurt and your heart sick. I was in a state of confusion, a roller coaster of emotions, and then i stabilized a bit with counseling, medications, and Greifshare Group, but then i feel i went back to step one again since the HOlidays have come and gone. And now i find myself relieving moments in life with him, a memorial biography the flashes images thru my head all through out the day and even at night when i go to bed. My mind is unsettled and I have so many questions. I am currently reading 90 Minutes in Heaven, I didn't want to, but a friend gave it to me. But after starting the book and now having a couple chapters left, i find some peace in it. KNowing the glorious place my dad his hanging out in. If anything i just have to cling to the fact we will all be reunited. My journey has not yet been a year, but my search for a 'New Normal' is still a moment to moment event. One minute i can be okay, then the next, just a sunken, sick, longing to talk, see, and be with my dad again. So friend, my advice, just keep moving along, get some help, talk to someone, see the doctor, get a counselor, use whatever avenues you need to get yourself to a place that helps you find your "New Normal". There is no formula you just have to wade through all the roads to figure out how this journey ends. Mourn for your loss, the loss of your dad, the loss of your sister, you can't keep it to yourself. As for your siblings or spouse, they don't know the extent of your pain, everyone feels the loss differently and deals differently. For myself, my sister has been not much help either, as well as my spouse. We all process differently and deal differently, so you just have to figure out what helps. But ask people to pray for you, it's important because it is hard to pray and seek God when you feel so lost. So keep asking for prayer. As for me and my journey, I am still constantly working on it. May we all get some healing, comfort, peace, and direction during this time of bewilderment & confusion. Lord be with you friend!

Comment by roseygonzales@msn.com on January 17, 2011 at 6:59pm

My name is Lia, I lost my beloved dad Oct 30, 2010 at 9:02am.  I went through Thx Giving, Christmas & New Years without him and I coped.  Now his birthday is 30 days away and I feel like I'm losing it.  I am married, have sisters and brother (which they don't want anything to do with me) so I am lost in the talking to them dept.  I am a believer but I feel so, so, so lost.  I have read some of the other stories and it make me cry for people.  When does the pain really stop? Please someone help me understand what I am going through.  I lost my older sister at the hands of a murder and never finished with that one either.  Afraid to talk to people face to face. Help please.

Comment by Martha Moreno on January 14, 2011 at 7:52pm

I love my father, but I also scorn him.  He enabled my mother's alcoholism and drug abuse.  She was also abusive towards her sons and daughters as well as to my father.  It will never cease to amaze me how he could just stand  by and not protect us. - how he could just let her drag me by my hair, kick me or dig her nails into my arms.  He was a doctor too.  He just kept giving her valium.  She would be violent and then depressed.  It seems to me that she could have had borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder.  I don't know.  Just good and bad memories at the same time.  confusing and distressing.  Of course, most of the family is in denial.  A father not protecting his children - not a good thing.  I don't understand how it could happen.  He was a fairly intelligent man.  Something must have been missing in him.  I don't know. It just makes me crazy to think about it.  I would have been a different person had all this not happened to me. 

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