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Comment by Dane' Douglas on March 26, 2011 at 11:25pm

April 10th will be the one year anniversary of Dad's death- Spent the year numbed, angry, sad, ashamed, afraid, relieved so many feelings- Also sick alot which is depressing and depressed so end up sick- I hope the anniversary will empower me that If I can make it one year, I can make it all of the way

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 25, 2011 at 8:54am

Hi Carolyn,

I think you touched on a feeling everyone has. Often as bad as we think life will be after someone has died, it often is worse. The difference between what we may expect and what becomes real often is gigantic. Wife of a patient I served cared for her husband for five years. She always knew that she would be a widow. But the anticipation of it couldn't compare with the day after she died and felt what it was like to be a widow. Eventually, she started exploring what it was about their life together that she missed.  I hope this helps.

 

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Carolyn Halsey-Minnick on March 24, 2011 at 9:54pm

I never believed I would actualy have to know what life is like without my dad in it.  Well, now I know, and it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by John B on March 24, 2011 at 12:51pm

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I went 'home' February 3, 2010 and sat for the next 3 Agonizing weeks at my Father's Hospice bedside 8 hours a day 'watching' him Suffer in Silent Agony, bringing him whatever I could to comfort him.

 

One evening, as my 'mother' sat like a stone statue in the corner of his hospice room while I showed my parents some photos of my 50th Birthday which I 'celebrated' in Hawaii for the first and last time with my then turning 78th Birthday celebrating Dad, my Father felt my Emotions rising, but didn't say anything until 15 minutes later as I kept myself and my Feelings 'contained'.

 

"What are all the 'tears' for John ?" he suddenly said in his still somewhat curt interrogative military trained style. "Because you're my Father, I Love you and I Don'T want to see you Die !" I managed to say before breaking down, sobbing and shaking upon his skeleton like form ravaged by only 3 months of being Diagnosed with Cancer, however he must have been suffering with it for much longer, as he had 'joked' about "gettin' senile" for 5 years before.

 

"Take it easy, pal", he replied, lightly patting my left 10 year old completely broken collar bone, comforting me as I was sobbing my heart and soul out upon his boney shoulder.

 

My Father was the Only one in our 'family' who reached out to me over the past 10 years of my unemployment and depression. He never judged, criticized or turned his back on others or me like my oFf & oN Nice & Nasty Critically Sarcastic Condescending Denial & Blame Based Epileptic 'Schizophrenic' (?) 'mother' who Expects and Demands Perfection, Ordering him around even on his Death Bed which she Refused to be near after kicking him out of his home after Christmas 2009, not even a month after he was Diagnosed with Cancer.

 

Her 'father' died on the same day I was born 7 years before when she was 14 and never got 'counselling'  as she's Never 'talked' about her 'home'. She didn't have a single tear in her frosty blue eyes before, during or after his funeral a year ago. I've been phoning her, but it always ends up with my hanging up whenever her Sharp Criticism and Insensitivity Suddenly Surfaces.

 

A half hour before my Dad died after Gasping like a fish out of water for six horrifying hours after slipping into a coma February 23, 2010 after he asked me to help him to the bathroom after I had just arrived from my Air Canada Co-pilot/Revenue Canada Tax Auditor 'brother's who kicked me out of his home for 'daring' to ask if I could even 'breathe' in his Controlled 'home', a snowshoe rabbit appeared outside his hospice window. It sat there for more than a half hour while my nephew Ryan and I were talking. I didn't realize it then, but this tiny creature appeared according to my Best and Only Friend to accompany my Father's Soul.

 

    Ironically, my Dad, who used to go hunting even when we moved to "Civy Street !" as my 'mother' Insisted we be raised & educated "The 'RIGHT' Way", had grown up in the bush completely impoverished during the 1930s. Neither of my parents had the 'freedom' to go beyond Gr.8, as they both had to start work full time to help support their families when they were 15 in the 1940s and 50s. As the last of 9 children, 3 of whom died in childbirth before his miracle arrival, he had had to learn to hunt and fish from a very young age in order to survive.

 

http://www.wilno.com

 

His grandfather Joseph and 10 others escaped Severe Poverty and Untold Abuses from the then Prussian German Empire which had along with Russia and Austria Destroyed Poland for 300 years. They sailed from Hamburg Germany in July 1868 for 3 weeks losing many to the long voyage to Quebec City and then had no choice but to bush whack a 100 mile long path from the last train station 'west' at Renfrew, Ontario to their homestead where they built the Hamlet of Wilno with their bare hands. My Cousins still build their own homes today, which is something most people couldn't even begin to think of how to draw on paper.

 

My dad's Family was and still is Very Close, completely the opposite from my 'mother's Mongolian Ukrainian Canadian 'family', which she now says "might have been Polish" after 53 years of Abusing and Putting Down my Father and his Family, whom she may have been Envious or Resentful of, as hers doesn't know the 'meaning' of the words 'caring', 'kind' or 'family'.

 

Thankyou Dad for Being a Sensitive, Caring, Generous & Kind Human Being. May we Aspire to Your Humanity and Learn Forgiveness where there has only been Animosity and No 'listening' let alone 'talk' between the rest of our 'family'. Please Pray that we may learn to love as you did. Your words seldom were spoken, but your Actions always spoke and shone Brighter than any ever could.

Comment by Paige Lovelace on March 16, 2011 at 7:07pm

I can understand the pain we lost my dad almost 4 years ago he was 92 and he was in so much pain. It was a blessing that he died so he wasn't in any pain anymore. I still struggle with all of the pain of missing him. It seems like the pain will never end.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 14, 2011 at 2:14pm

You're very welcome Patricia,

Please call me Stan

Comment by Patricia Melton on March 14, 2011 at 12:15pm

@ Dr. Stan,  Thank you for replying.  I will try those things.  I actually did that on his birthday last year after he passed.  We went out to eat and went and bought a small cake and sang happy birthday to him.  I had forgotten I had done that.  I will do something similar.  I WILL MAKE IT THRU THIS.  Thanks.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 14, 2011 at 12:02pm

Hi Patricia,

I think anniversary death dates are difficult for everyone. One reason is that it brings up painful memories of what was lost. The second is that it focuses on what you would like to get away from (grief), rather than the psychological place you want to go (joy).

 

There's an analogy I think applies from the writings of Thich Nhat Hanh. He compared western psychotherapy with eastern philosophy. He didn't understand why where are are so many wonderful things in a person's life, why a therapist would focus on what's wrong with it. 

 

What I suggest is that instead of observing it as the anniversary of your's father's death, look at it as a day to celebrate all the wonderful things in his life and how he effected yours. You can revisit places of wonderful memories, have a dinner party with a plate set for him and have guests talk about the wonderful things he did, etc

 

Ritual, in any form celebrating life can be healing. I wrote an article on the use of ritual that might be helpful.

 

http://stangoldbergwriter.com/the-power-of-ritual/

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Patricia Melton on March 14, 2011 at 11:44am

It's coming up on the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death.  I try so hard to just look at the good times with Dad but all those thoughts of how much I miss him just creep in when I am not looking.  And its just so depressing.  Anyone have any thoughts on how to get thru this anniversary?  I could use some help with this.  Thanks.

Comment by Kerry Whitley on March 14, 2011 at 9:24am

Thank you, Stan. I will consider that.

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