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Comment by Elaine Ewalt on May 20, 2011 at 4:21pm

it was a shock but I am glad it happened the way it did.

today I am mad.  it hit me all at once.  HE left me!  I wasn't ready.  I want him here with me!  I miss him so bad today!  every day it gets harder and harder!  I have been so afraid of letting the tears flow,  afraid I would lose control.  screw it!  I just want my daddy!

 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 18, 2011 at 9:02am

I just remembered a scooter story I wanted to share.  When I was taking care of my dad, I was scared all the time cuz e was such a risk taker.  I was just sure he was going to hurt himself.  One day he was riding around on that scooter as fast as it could go, and he hit a pothole and tipped over.  The whole flea market ran to him to see if he was okay, and when I got there they already had him tipped back up and on his scooter, and thank God he was okay.  He looks up at me and says, "Did you see that?  Wasn't that cool?"  I'm all scared cuz he could have broken a hip or something and he's caught up in the adrenaline of the moment and thinks it's the coolest thing ever.  He and I were very different in that way - I was always the careful one.  I think I made him a little nuts with that super carefulness of mine.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 18, 2011 at 8:59am

Melissa D - My father was also in many ways my best friend.  He had emotional problems from childhood and spent a few years drinking too much, but I could see beyond that and see the beautiful person inside him and who he really was.  He and I owned a flea market business together, and we had so much fun doing that.  He could not do it the last two years of his life, because he was too sick.  He always said we were going to get back to the flea market.  He missed it so much.  When he got so bad he couldn't walk good any more, I bought him a little red scooter - not a power chair but the scooter kind - and he'd ride around on that so happy.  The two summers he rode around on that scooter were the happiest time I think I saw in his life.  That scooter is sitting in our hallway now and my husband wants to sell it, but I can't even though I know we could use the money cuz every time I look at it I just see him sitting on it, riding around the flea market with the biggest smile on his face.  There is a part of me that is mad at God for taking that away from him.  After a lifetime of trying to recover from his abuse, he finally finds his way to happiness, and God takes it away from him and makes him so sick that all he can do is dream about going back to those two summers he was happy.  I feel like after a lifetime of suffering from physical and emotional pain of being abused as a child that at least God could have let him continue on happy for a while when he finally found it.  I miss him so much!

Comment by Melissa Deters on May 17, 2011 at 4:56pm

Elaine-How awful to have that happen.  I really don't know if I could have handled what you experienced.  You must be a very strong person.  But it was nice you were with you father when he passed.  I wish I could have been there when mine died.

Comment by Melissa Deters on May 17, 2011 at 4:50pm

Melissa M-My dad too was somewhat my best friend in many ways.  I was, I suppose, a "Daddy's Girl", and will always be such.  He had such a positive spirit about him that just lit up the room when he walked in.  Looking back, I now see what you meant about being glad to see his body on the table and knowing that was not him spiritually.  I can feel his presence at times; he is physically gone, but will always be with me, as your dad will be with you always.  I am so sorry to hear he passed in a similar fashion.  It is so hard to wrap your brain around what happened and the fact that they are physically gone.

Comment by Melissa Deters on May 17, 2011 at 4:47pm

Storyas-Thank you for the kind words and prayers.  Like Melissa M said, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.  In an odd way, I am somewhat glad my dad passed quickly...I don't think I could have taken it if I knew the inevitable was coming in a few short months.  It is kind of like a mixed blessing:  my dad did not suffer, but now those of us left behind are.  I try to take it hour by hour.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 17, 2011 at 11:15am

Elaine, I am so sorry.  What a trauma for you to experience.  I have heard that often right before a person passes that they have a few hours where they are their old selves.  I'm not sure if my dad had that, because I left three hours before he died.  But, it sounds like your dad had that, and in a way, that is a blessing cuz we know that they didn't really suffer at the end - that they had those few hours where they could laugh and be themselves and then it is over quickly.  It doesn't take away your pain of the trauma, but maybe it will help to know that most of his last hours were happy ones - that only the last few minutes were in any way traumatic to him.

Comment by Elaine Ewalt on May 17, 2011 at 10:17am

My Dad had been anemic for a few years but we thought it was due to his only having one kidney.  Kidney dr treated him for awhile until his blood counts took a severe nose dive.  At that time he refered him to oncologist/hemotologist.  We found out he had mylelodysplasia.  a type of bone marrow cancer.  Dad was 80 at the time and opted for no chemo.  We all agreed. 

4 weeks before he passed the dr stopped his transfusions because they weren't working anymore.  time to prepare.  what a saying right?  well I did morn him for the last year.  Anyway  he was growing weaker and we knew his time was growing very short.  I went over to see him at 1:45 on May 3rd.  walked in the door and he was talking and laughing.  he had his wife take him to potty.  all of a sudden he could not hold his head up and having trouble breathing.  she called me into the bathroom to hold his head up.  He was kind of out of it and I got him up.  I told him to put his arms around me and we stepped backwards 2 steps and started to turn around when his one arm fell off my shoulders.  at that moment I felt his body relax. he died standing up in my arms.  a day I will never forget.  I was there just over an hour when it happened.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 17, 2011 at 9:12am

Melissa D and Melissa M - I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your father.  I can't even imagine.  My dad was sick for a very long time, so I had time to "prepare" - like you can ever be prepared.  But, if he would have gone suddenly, I don't think I could have handled that.  You must be very strong people, because I told someone after my mom died that God never puts more on us than we can handle and he knew I needed the eight months she was sick to prepare cuz he knew if he would have taken her suddenly that I was not even strong enough to stand up under that.  You are much stronger than I am.  I will say a prayer for both of you today.  I don't know if I'll be able to keep this commitment if this starts getting 100 posts a day, but for right now I've made a commitment to myself to pray that day for each person who posts.  I will be praying for you.

Comment by Melissa Deters on May 17, 2011 at 4:31am

I lost my dad unexpectedly on May 2nd due to cardiac arrest.  My mom found him lying on the floor of their bedroom.  My family (mom, brother, and husband) are in so much pain right now. I worry mostly about my mom and how she is coping.  It is a slow, painful process.  I will forever be haunted by the image of my dad's body lying on the hospital table.  Did not even look like him.  I had seen him just 24 hours prior, and he was fine; we were joking around and having a good time.  No one saw this coming.  I am still somewhat in a state of shock and disbelief.

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