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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 5, 2011 at 3:20pm

Rachel,  I am sorry that you lost both of your parents and so quickly after diagnosis.  That doesn't give you any time to prepare.  I know what you mean about your mom - it was way harder for me to get over loosing my mom.  I think cuz girls doe things with their moms and boys do things with their dads.  Me and my mom went shopping and out to eat and to the doctor even together.  We talked on the phone every day, and I talked to my dad through her - "Tell Daddy I love him.  How's Daddy doing today?"  It was only after she died that me and my dad started talking on the phone directly to each other every day.  I love my dad and I miss him so much, but it really is harder without my mom.  Plus, in my generation Dad's went out to work and fed us with the money, but we didn't always see that part.  We just knew Daddy was gone.  But, mom was home with us and taking care of us and us relying on her for everything, so when Mom goes - wow, that is loosing the person who took care of us every day.  That doesn't mean Daddy's role was not important, but maybe Daddy didn't get enough credit for all his hard work cuz us kids didn't understand that Daddy was bringing home the money that bought us food and a home and stuff.  I am glad you are here to talk.  Maybe it will help with your mom's loss a bit too.  I think there is a group for Mom's and for Parent's but I haven't joined them yet.  I just lost my dad a few weeks ago, so I started here.  But, I do plan to get on the Mom and Parents discussions as well when I feel I'm up to it.  Have you checked those out yet?

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 5, 2011 at 5:52am

I lost both parents to cancer, that doesnt help matters....they died almost the same exact way....makes it even harder....they both died within 2 weeks of diagnosis...its uncanny....

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 5, 2011 at 5:51am

my mother died before Christmas as well....last Christmas was horrible....it was just another day of horribleness....its awful....I wish I could visit my dad's grave, but he is too far away, but I know he is at home, he was buried where he grew up....there isnt really pain involved about him, I got over him a long time ago, it doesnt really hurt, its actually peaceful, and I am glad for that....thats what he wants for me....my mom is a different story....that will take tons of time, I cant think of her or I get real upset....she was so special, I miss her too much....I need lots of therapy to recover from the loss of her....but I know all will be fine....I am a fighter....thanks for welcoming me....I like this type of outlet, to just talk when you want to....

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 4, 2011 at 11:09pm

Rachel, Welcome!  It is never too long to be on a group like this.  I go in person to a group in my city, and there are people still coming who lost loved ones ten and twenty years ago.  There are triggers like birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, holidays - the pain around those times seems to never go away.  My mom's favorite time of the year was Christmas.  She died right before Christmas, and now I hate Christmas.  I do it for others, but I find no joy in it any more.  And, me and my dad gave out candy at Halloween each year.  We dressed up in costumes and everything, and we had a blast.  I know I'm going to hate Halloween now too.  And, my dad died a week before his birthday, so I'm going to hate the whole month of April.  For father's day though, I bought him a card.  I'm going to leave it on his grave.  I'll still be coming here in 8 years too, because I love my dad and was loved by my dad like you.  I'm glad you came to get support in getting through his birthday and father's day.  My prayers are with you.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on June 4, 2011 at 5:02pm

I still love my dad, he has been gone 8 years, 9 this October....his birthday is Monday....I have fond memories, he just loved me so, and I think about that....what a wonderful person, my mom was too....I have lost both parents....Dad, I love you, happy Father's Day, and happy birthday my dear dad....I LOVE YOU!!

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on June 2, 2011 at 4:04pm

Elaine, I am sorry it has taken so long to write back.  I had a friend die about two weeks after my dad, and there were a lot of mixed emotions with that death as he was an alcoholic who would never acknowledge his problem or how he hurt people, so when he died all I felt was the old rages at how he had hurt me, so I've been kinda out of commission.  Thank God my dad quit drinking and was trying to be the best person he could be so that I could have good thoughts of him when he passed.  I know what you mean about the cell phone - I swear it was my Dad trying to call me the night after he died when my phone rang but there was no registry of an incoming call when I answered it and there was no one there.  There is a section on this website about After Death Experiences.  You should go to it and read it.  It even talks about receiving phone calls.  I think reading that might help you.  I know it is hard not to replay the final time we were with them or their death if we were there in our head.  I keep replaying the last hours I had with my dad even though I left before he died.  But, I'm finding the ability to go numb, stay as busy as possible and isolate myself from it but then I start crying at a party when I sit down and am not rushing so much that I can't stay busy enough to run from it.  My dad's best friend had a party Sunday night and he lives next door to where my dad lived before he went into assisted living.  About 11 o'clock that night, whoever s living in my dad's old house turned the bathroom light on, and I just started crying and had to walk away from the party.  And, now I'm sitting here typing this and have stopped moving, so I'm crying again.  So, I'm gonna go mop the kitchen floor, because keeping moving seem sto help me right now.

Comment by Elaine Ewalt on May 27, 2011 at 6:52pm

Storyas thank you so much for all the kind words.  I had a strange thing happen Monday night.  I had my cell phone beside me but it never rang.  When I went to bed that night around midnight I saw a missed call from my Dad's house so I thought something might be wrong with my stepmom.  I didn't call her since it was so late so I called her Tuesday morning to tell her I was returning her call.  She swears she didn't call me.  Dad was really bad about calling my cell instead of my home phone.  Maybe he was wanting to talk to me.  made me feel good anyway.  the biggest problem I am having right now is playing his death over and over in my mind.  Maybe shock of how it happened.  I dunno but it is maddening!

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 23, 2011 at 9:07pm

Elaine - I'd just let the tears come when they need to come.  As close as I am to my dad, I was even closer to my mom.  When she died, I couldn't control my crying for a long time.  Once I was in the grocery store just before Christmas and just started crying and couldn't stop.  I was so embarrassed and thought everyone thought I was a freak, but I could not stop.  You know what - it brought kindness to me.  This little lady came over and took my hands and said, "Honey, I don't know what is wrong, but God told me to tell you that he loves you."  I then told her that my mom had died and Christmas was my mom's favorite time of the year, and she just talked to me.  Maybe some people thought I was a freak, but you know what - more people will be kind than judgmental.  As for your brother, why is it that a death in the family always causes someone to show their butt?  I had the same thing in my family with both my mom's and my dad's funeral.  At my mom's funeral, my brother was harrassing my mom's best friend cuz he didn't want her there.  My brothers didn't even show up for my dad's funeral, but all of their kids showed up - the grandchildren through them.  Everyone I've talked to has told me that someone began to show their butt around the death of a family member.  I don't understand why, but it seems to be pretty common.  I'm sorry that happened to you.  I'm glad you are not feeling angry any more - it sounds like you are moving through the stages of grief, so maybe you will feel better soon.  I'm getting over my anger too, but am not all the way there.  You know, my dad gave me a dog from the other side - you can send out the men in the little white coats now.  The last few months my dad was alive, we talked about the dog he would get me some day - a white bull dog with a black spot over each eye and a black spot on his back.  Well, two days after my dad's funeral out of the blue a rescue contacted me and asked me if I could take an abused dog (my dad was a child abuse survivor and I tried to help him through that, especially during his illness) that they'd rescued from a hoarder.  I opened the picture, and it was the exact dog my dad had described he wanted to get me.  So, I took him.  I got him Saturday night, and I named him Elbert, which is my father's middle name.  And, he is sucha  peaceful soul that he lays his paw on me and helps me feel better.  My daddy some how worked it out to bring the dog to me that I should have from cities away, and it is helping me to feel a bit better.  Every time I look at Elbert, I remember how much my dad loves me.  I'm still a little mad - not at my dad - but I'm getting a little better all the time.

Comment by Elaine Ewalt on May 23, 2011 at 8:29pm

Storyas I can't be mad at God.  Dad had a love for God that I have rarely seen in people.  I know too Dad wanted to go to Heaven.  He was so ready.  I am not mad at Dad anymore either.  I now just feel abandoned but not just by Dad but most of my blood family.  I lost a brother in January in a horrible accident and the one remaining showed his butt right before the funeral started.  I haven't talked to him since then.  His brother in law died a the Thursday after we buried our Dad.  Really sad.  I am doing ok for now.  we will see how this ends up.  the tears come in waves!  I hate that.  never knowing when they will come!  together we can all get thru this.  I am another Daddy's girl

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 20, 2011 at 8:26pm

Elaine - I know how you feel.  I don't really know what the stages of grief are, but I know there are stages of grief.  I think one of those stages must be numbness.  I think maybe up til now you have felt numb, and then the numb went away and you were mad.  I think that, because that is what I have gone through.  From the moment the phone rang and the nurse told me he was gone, I felt myself go numb.  It was 4:30 in the morning, and I sat up for the rest of the night drinking wine and not feeling much of anything other than disbelief.  Then, I started cleaning the house and doing the yard work cuz I'd taken care of my dad for so long that many of those things were so far behind that I was in danger of getting cited by the city.  Tomorrow will be one month to the day since he died.  Over the last few days as the house and yard work has gotten caught up and I've been less busy, the feelings are seeping in through the numbness.  I start crying for no reason - and then I realized I was mad.  I was mad at God for making him so sick just when he was starting to enjoy life for the first time (he had PTSD from child abuse and spent one year actually really enjoying his life cuz he was finally overcoming the PTSD and then he gets so sick he can't do the things he enjoys any more).  I drive around and remember when he was still well during that year he really enjoyed life that we went here for breakfast (he loved to go out to breakfast) and we did this and that together, and I cry and then I get so mad at God for takign him just when he'd learned to enjoy life and was really enjoying it.  Then, I get mad at me for all the mistakes I made when I was taking care of him - times I was impatient cuz I was so exhausted, etc., and then I'm mad at myself and hating myself.  So, I think mad must be a stage of grief too.  I just want to punch a hole in the wall or drive my car into something just cuz it would make me feel better, but I can't do either one of those things.  Today, I went to the grocery store and it was where I used to go when my dad was still healthy enough to eat, and I remembered these heart healthy candy bars I used to buy for him that he would just gobble up, and then he spent six months with a feeding tube and couldn't eat - and I was mad at God for that.  I'm not mad at my dad - I'm mad at me and God, and I'm madder than heck.  It just seems so unfair.  So, I know how you are feeling.  But, if this is a stage of grief, maybe we will both feel better soon when we move into the next stage - whatever the heck that is.  I'm with you, dear soul, I just want my Daddy!  I just want to feed him a plate of fried chicken for lunch and watch him feed his dog half of it and then watch him enjoy ice cream or one of those heart healthy candy bars.  I just want my Dad!  You are not alone, dear soul.  I know how you feel.  I wish there was some magic formula to make us both feel better.

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