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Comment by Annette Gallagher on April 16, 2012 at 7:17pm

Hi Casandra.  My Dad died on 6th january of lung cancer.  He was my best friend, advisor, total strength and my rock.  It has left me reeling in sadness.  I haven't been to my own house since - i've been staying with my Mum who has problems of her own to deal with as well as the grief losing her husband of 60 years.  The pain hasn't got any easier, we both feel totally lost without him.  However, memories of the last few days of him being ill are waining and good memories are taking over and i'm so grateful for those.  I'm sure it's my Dad's way of getting through to me and my Mum, almost telling us to think 'better' thoughts!  I will never get over losing him but i'm so thankful that he was my Dad.  I don't know if this helps any, but my grief and loss is making me make decisions i have never had to make before - and i thank my Dad for that.

Comment by Casandra Porter on April 16, 2012 at 7:00pm

Hello. My name is Casandra. This is my first time commenting on this group. I lost my Dad a month ago. He had struggled for 3 years with end stage renal failure but when he died, he died of a heart attack. It was sudden and unexpected and very hard for me. I was/am a Daddy's girl. He was my best friend and I took his illness seriously. It was my turn to give back to him and take care of him as he'd done for me over the years. And the day before he died, he had been suffering from pneumonia. He thought it was still the pneumonia and I begged him to go to the hospital to check his heart but he didn't go. My nephew actually found him the next day, severely sick and in the middle of the heart attack. I had no car or way to get to him. It took me 2 hours to get to him after they'd gotten him to the hospital and he hung on just long enough for me to get there. He died in surgery, after trying to revive him. I was devastated. Not only because he died but because if I had found a way to convince him just that day before when I spoke to him to go, if I had had a way to get to him and take him myself, maybe he would still be here. But the thing is... there is no room for maybe's now. He is gone and I am devastated. To add insult to injury, my family tossed the burial and preparation into my lap. No one helped and they've all seemed to move on or don't want to talk about and can't understand why I am still upset, heart broken and weak behind all of this when they've moved on. It's hard and this is my first loss of anyone close to me for a long time. Some days I feel okay and then the moment I have a chance to think, I lose it. My thoughts are my own worse enemy right now. I don't know what to do  most days. I feel like I am just existing and not living right now. I've heard a million times to give it time and it will get better but right now, I don't see how that is possible when all I can do is cry. And I have to cry by myself, alone because I feel like if I talk to anyone about it I am just being a burden. But, I figured today I would share and see if I get any relief. 

Comment by Andrea Clark on April 16, 2012 at 6:12pm

Hi Rebecca and Tina, 

welcome to the group. This is the place to go when no one understands why you are "still not over it" and why you "can't move on". People here understand. We are all here because we loved someone dearly, and lost them. Rebecca, it took me about 3 months before I felt I can breathe again. I kept feeling like there was someone literally sitting on my chest, knocking the breath out of me. It takes a long time to feel better - I know that sounds not very hopeful right now, but the main thing is to give yourself time. I completely understand about trying (and feeling like you are failing) to be a good mom and wife. I am right there with you. My daughter keeps telling me to get over it already, and I keep telling her that one day she will understand - and that I dread that day for her, because I don't wish that kind of hurt on her. 

Just hang in there, and come visit this group - it has been my life saver over the last 8 months. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 16, 2012 at 1:26pm

Rebecca - Hi.  It has only been three weeks, so the way you are feeling is very normal.  It does get easier, but I am sorry to tell you that it takes longer than three weeks.  Sometimes it takes a lot longer than three weeks.  I'm not trying to scare you in saying that but am trying to let you know that it will get better but in the meantime be easy with yourself as you get to the point where it does get easier.  And, you are right - there is no worse hurt.  I mean, i'm sure there is physical pain we can feel that is worse and we are lucky if we get to avoid that in life, but it is a different kind of pain.  The physical pain is like physical and although experiencing it changes you and makes you a different person than you were before due to the spiritual strength you have to gain to get through physical pain, but this hurt of loosing someone doesn't just change us or strengthen us after it is over - it changes everything forever by taking away what we had and can't have again and because it never truly is over.  It's been 11 months since my dad died.  It is much better than it was at 3 weeks.  But, I realize that when I'm 99 years old, I will still miss him and my mom.  This is like a pain on your deepest level whereas physical pain is at our most superficial level - like physical pain hits us at the skin level and this pain twines down into the deepest part of us and takes root because we love from our deepest part so we are bruised at our deepest part when someone we love is taken from us.  I don't have words to explain it.  I just know that I never imagined before i lost one of my parents how much it could hurt.  When I lost my mom, I felt like I was experiencing emotional torture it was so painful, and I felt that way for almost three years.  I haven't felt much better loosing my dad, although I am getting over it a little bit faster cuz my dad gave me a lot more after death messages that helped me heal.  My mom was a very passive personality, so she sent me some dreams.  But, my dad was magnetic in his personality and large and vibrant and he understood electronic and mechanical stuff really well, so he was able to push through the veil with a lot more power and grab my attention and make me notice his messages that let me know he was okay.  I know this message probably isn't making you feel better.  I don't think much can make you feel better at three weeks after our loved ones passing.  But, I am hoping that it can give you hope and let you know that what you are going through is normal and that you need to surround yourself with people who understand that and can support you through it without saying anything that makes the pain worse out of their lack of understanding.

Comment by Rebecca Ward on April 16, 2012 at 11:50am

3 weeks ago...I lost my bad to cancer. I was only 67. People have told me it gets easier...but i just cant imagine....i have never had a hurt inside this bad before. I do my best to get up every morning to go to work, tend to my kids and be a wife. Its just hard to do anything.

Comment by tina p on April 14, 2012 at 4:54pm

This is my first post here... I lost my dad about two months ago (he had Alzheimer's, but was doing okay until they found a brain tumor) and nearly a month later, my 18y.o. kitty passed, too. I picture them together somewhere... they did seem to have a special fondness. Two exceptional individuals. It's been a lot to deal with, for sure. I miss them both tremendously. Some days are better than others, too. The days that are great feel wonderful, and I try to just be present (like my yoga instructors say). I'll probably use this forum for the times when I just feel overwhelmed or exhausted. Thanks for reading.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 13, 2012 at 8:21pm

Andrea - there is not a day that goes by that I do not want to turn back time and relive the time with my parents.  I think I'm going to feel that way for the rest of my life.  And, it is okay to cry.  If you feel your mom can't handle it due to her grief, find a quiet place to cry.  There is no timetable on grief.  If anyone says there is, I'd separate from them until you are able to handle them again.

Comment by Andrea Clark on April 13, 2012 at 8:17pm

I am having a hard time today. I really miss my dad. Everything today seems to remind me of my loss. I just so wished I could turn back time. I just want to have one more conversation with him. I know I will see him in heaven, but that seems like such a long time to wait. And then I feel bad for feeling bad, because I know my mom misses him so much more than even I do. By now I hide my crying because everybody seems to think that it's been long enough and I should be over it already (he died in August). I am glad I can share here and that you all are out there feeling the same way. Thanks for letting me share!

Comment by christianlee on March 31, 2012 at 10:03am

Yes. That is hard. I too am there for my mom and all. But at times feel as though they forgot that I lost my dear dad.

Comment by Annette Gallagher on March 30, 2012 at 10:59am

I took Mum to my Dad's resting place yesterday as it would have been their 60th Wedding Anniversary.  Mum was telling Dad off for not being here anymore.  It's so sad, but in watching my Mum struggle, I just want somebody to acknowledge my struggle too!  Being strong for everybody else is making me weak - if that makes sense.  I miss him so much, he was my inspirational rock xx

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