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Comment by Casandra Porter on April 16, 2012 at 9:29pm

Thanks Annette, Storyas & Tina. I appreciate hearing your perspective. I am sure he wouldn't have wanted me there either, Tina. I had asked him many time to move in with me and let me take care of him, so he'd be closer and he would always tell me that he wanted me to live my life and not worry about his.

Storyas, regarding your reaction to the letter... I don't think you're overreacting. I've actually heard that term used before and didn't like hearing it then. I definitely don't think it is something he should have sent out as a mass communication and if your gut says don't forward then don't do it. I think you did the right thing telling him how you felt because you may not have been the only one who felt that way but the only one who was able to speak up about it. Don't feel bad about your decision.

Annette, my Dad was my rock, as well. He may not have been the most perfect example of a human being but that is what I loved about him. He was real. He made mistakes but he always made sure his family was well taken care of. That is what I love most about him. I never went without in any capacity because if he had it to give, he gave it... whether it was helping with my plumbing, teaching me how to do something, money, or an ear. He was a great listener. I think my biggest issue is that he was the only person who really understood me and knew how to handle me when I was upset or frustrated. So now that he's gone and I am upset and frustrated, I have no one there who can understand me and handle me. He knew the right things to say and some times the wrong ones to get a reaction. I know it will get easier but right now everything is a roller coaster. So, learning how to relax and get back to my routine in life, is the biggest stress since he was such a large part of my routine.

Comment by tina p on April 16, 2012 at 8:50pm

Yes, good thoughts to Elbert! I always believe that our pets find us. I know that when we find the right kitty, she won't make us forget but will help us to love even more.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 16, 2012 at 8:47pm

Tina P - the part I forgot to tell you was that Sorsha died on 12/21 - Elbert was rescued from the hoarder on 12/21 - my dad died on 4/21 - and between 12/21 and 4/21 (or whatever day I took him - it was a few days after my dad died) no one would even look at Elbert or consider him for fostering until he came to me.  The shelter said they'd never see such a good and pretty dog as him sit and be completely ignored for so long.  I thought that was weird.  And, I'm trying to figure out what all those 21's mean.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 16, 2012 at 8:44pm

Tina P - it is a lot to go through at one time.  My dog was almost fourteen, and I'd had him since I was a puppy.  I've had a lot of dogs, and I loved them all - but he was the most special to me ever.  I couldn't breath as he was dying.  I live in Cincinnati, and we have an animal hospice here called Angel Paws that has grief support groups for animal loss as well, but I don't think many cities have that.  I think www.aplb.org is the only thing I know of that is open to all cities - actually I think aplb is international.  I'll tell you the story now of my new dog.  I've been even more depressed this week due to a subject I just posted a comment for, but I'll buck up and tell my story.  My dad knew how much I loved my dog.  My dog's name was Sorsha.  He was a huge (horse sized - people used to tease me that I owned a horse and not a dog) Rottweiller/Golden Retriever mix.  I knew his parents to know that was his mix, but he looked a lot like a Newfoundland.  I loved him so much.  Well, he died on 12/21.  I told my dad even though my dad was dying, and my dad was very worried about me.  He told me to take the money out of his account and buy a new dog.  I told him I didn't want a new dog as I could never love it.  During the four months he lived, he kept telling me that he was going to get me another dog.  And, he began to describe that dog.  Now, this description may have come from a black and white spotted pitbull I saw around Christmas that I said was cute but would not allow him to buy me, or he could have been wavering between the two worlds.  But, he kept telling me he was going to buy me a bulldog that would be white with black spots and would be rescued from abuse (my dad was a child abuse survivor - and then got abused in the nursing home too [they just proved the case and closed the nursing home on 3/1], and we used to watch Animal Planet together all the time and saw that Hoarders show all the time) and that it would act so much like my old dog that I would learn to love again.  Two days after my dad's funeral, a rescue contacted me to see if I'd be willing to take on an abused dog that had been rescued from a hoarder.  At first, I said no.  If I was going to take on another dog, I had it in my mind that I would find another Rottweiller mix that would be just like Sorsha - like that ever really happens.  But, it kept gnawing at me, so a few days later I went back and looked at the picture they had emailed.  It was a white bulldog with black spots who had been rescued from a hoarder.  Well, I kept telling my dad while he was dying that when he got me a new dog, I would name it Elbert, because that was my dad's middle name, and I wanted to name the dog my dad would gift me after my dad.  I asked if I could name the dog Elbert, and they said yes.  So, I took him, and he acts so much like my old dog that I have learned to love again.  For several months, I felt like Sorsha was with Elbert they were so much alike.  He has heartworm, so right now I am only fostering him.  But, please pray that he will show negative at his next vet appointment (he keeps getting slowly better), because if he does, my husband is going to let me adopt him.

Comment by tina p on April 16, 2012 at 8:34pm

Thanks! I miss my baby girl a lot. She was 18! I've got another kitty who is five, who is such a trooper. I think I got a sign like that, too. A good friend's cat had kittens the day after we had to put my cat down, and I think it was a sign of sorts. I've got a spectacular support network, for which I'm extremely thankful. It's just a lot to go through at one time.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 16, 2012 at 8:32pm

I have a question for everyone.  I could really used your advice.  My dad was a child abuse survivor.  Instead of looking at any mistakes he made along the way, I looked at what he did right - never passed on the abuse, worked hard on crippled legs to support his family, etc.  So, I never saw the PTSD behaviors he sometimes had, and I never saw them as an excuse.  Now, I'm in grief and talking to people in grief and I have again learned that our pain is not an excuse.  Well, I received.  In addition, I am an LMT, so I have people come in for relaxation massage who are in extreme emotional pain whereas my medical massage usually goes to people in physical pain.  So, I've come to learn that emotional pain is real, and we can't judge it.  Well, I got an email from a pastor at my church talking about how to get over emotional pain from past bad things that happen to us.  The advice he gave at the end was valid if used in the right circumstances.  But, the beginning of the email started by him telling a story of how he realized that he used to entertain his friends with stories of his pain, and he called it enterpaining.  He said that anyone who talks about their pain a lot is in masochistic equilibrium.  The part of this that bothered me were the words enterpaining (how many of us have been accused of using our pain to get attention - it hurts) and masochism.  I was also disturbed in that something like that should not be sent out widescale but only on a case by case basis by a licensed and trained therapist who knows when and how to present the improvement techniques.  I tried to share this with him, and I felt there was nothing I could do to make him understand even though people helped me with the emails I sent him to make sure they stayed kind and appropriate.  I just thought as i read that email that I'd throw up and hate myself if I forwarded that on to another grieving person and accused them of enterpaining, so I told him that kindly.  May I ask you all, because I want to be fair - am I over-reacting to this man's choice of words due to me being in grief and being surrounded by pain in my work, or would you all have reacted to it in the same way that I did.  I literally thought of forwarding it on to grief support groups, and it was like the holy spirit blocked me from sending out something that would cause harm.  Something in my gut screamed - NO.  Am I wrong.  Is this my grief causing me to over react?  I really do want perspective, because I do want to be the best person I can be.  I was trying to be the best person I could be by protecting people in pain and saying that email was inappropriate, but if enough people tell me I am wrong, I will go back and apologize.  I still won't send that email out, but I will apologize if I over-reacted to it.  Thank you.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 16, 2012 at 8:20pm

Tina P - I lost my most beloved dog I had ever had four months before I lost my dad.  I'll tell you the story of my new dog soon (remind me), because I think my new dog was a sign from my dad the way he came to me, but I lost two close together as well.  And, like you, no one understood why I was hurting so bad.  That dog was so close to me and many people felt I should just be over it - I'm still not.  And, a week after my dad died my own husband said to me when I was sitting on the couch crying that I couldn't use my dad's death as an excuse forever - I had not let it stop me from doing anything as my husband helps me with very little at home as he feels his only job is to go to work, but all I did was start crying.  How is that using it as an excuse.  So, I think on some degree I kinda know how you are feeling.  I did find an online grief support group for animal loss, and they helped me a lot as they understood the pain of loosing a pet even if no one else did.  They are at www.aplb.org.  You might want to check them out too.  Good luck.

Comment by tina p on April 16, 2012 at 8:17pm

Cassandra.... I wasn't with my dad either. The hospice had called us the day before to say that the end was coming, so we spent about 12 hours in the hospice. My mom didn't want to stay anymore, and I didn't either. I think my dad didn't want us to be there when it happened. In fact, I'm pretty sure of it. I kept whispering to him that we were going to be okay and not to worry. The next morning, my parents' doctor called us around 8:30am to tell us that my dad wasn't responding and then 10 minutes later, the nurse on duty called to let us know he was gone. My mom didn't want to go back to the Hospice, but I wanted to thank them for being so wonderful (I ended up sending them the Time Quartet for the family room, as a thank you). I don't regret not being there because I know that is how he wanted it.

Comment by tina p on April 16, 2012 at 8:12pm

Thank you for the welcome. I feel like I'm being strong, but I definitely feel like there are moments when I just miss him a lot. It's also hard because some of the feelings are also tied to losing my cat at the same time. I feel like I am going about doing the things I always do. Sometimes it feels surreal and sometimes it feels okay. I know this is a period of adjustment. There are new, great things going on at the same time as new, not-so-great things. I'm not trying to be a Pollyanna or anything, but I'm definitely trying to appreciate all of the wonderful things doubly. The things that are hard, well... I know that patience is required, mostly from myself. I know that I will not be "right" for a while. I know I will miss my dad forever, and that's an okay feeling to have right now.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 16, 2012 at 7:20pm

Casandra, to some degree, I know what you are feeling.  I was not with my dad when he died.  I was with him until maybe three hours before he died.  I have hypoglycemia.  I was getting sick cuz I hadn't eaten much all day.  I was also getting ready to start my period and that combined with the low blood sugar was making me sick and impatient.  I asked him if it was okay if I went, and I think he said no.  I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him and went to take care of myself, and he died before i got back the next morning.  I still haven't forgiven myself for that.  But, when I hear you say you should have gotten him to the hospital the day before, I realize there is nothing you could do as you can't make a person do what they don't want to do.  But, I understand that second guessing our last decisions.  I am sorry you lost your dad so fast.  I know how bad it hurts.  I honestly did not think my dad would die that night, so it seemed sudden even though he had been sick.  I would recommend that you go over to the section on after death experiences on this website and see if you are getting any messages from your dad.  I got a lot of messages from my dad, and they brought me a lot of comfort.  I think my dad was trying to tell me not only that he was OK but that he knew I did the best I could do.  It still took a while to feel better, but those messages I got from him helped me to feel better faster than I did when my mom died and I got fewer messages.  God Bless You.

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