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Comment by dream moon JO B on May 27, 2012 at 9:42am

that srang storyas my dad liket sweets and bannas evry day to after his dinner he wood get a sweat teh a banna and apple after my dad cud eat i just hope he is geting fed wer he is and geting looket after

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 27, 2012 at 6:31am

JB - I know what you mean.  I used to spoil my dad a lot too.  After he got sick, I always kept a drawer of his dresser full of candy.  He loved candy, and he was not diabetic and he had a very high metabolism.  All of his life, he could eat candy all day and still be very thin and fit.  So, I always kept his drawer full of candy.  And, he loved bananas.  It was 11 months after he died before I could eat a banana, because he and I always ate bananas together.  And, I know what you mean - I always want to know that he is looked after and okay where he is at.  That is all I think about.  I just want to know he is okay and happy and looked after.  When others are grieving I think - of course your family member is okay and I know that is so true.  But, with my dad, I want proof.  Faith isn't enough.  I want proof.  I guess that makes me a really selfish person, but I love him so much and I need to know that him and my mom are both okay beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I loved my mom so much too.  I still love them both so much.

Comment by dream moon JO B on May 27, 2012 at 3:04am

a bit of both storyas i just feal sad wen it ends but wotching it hearing his voise and lafter agane i feal like hisstill in the room i just wish he woz still wirh us it fathers day im dreding only a few weeks away no dad to spil rotten like i used to i just hope his geting looket after wer he is

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 26, 2012 at 8:39pm

JB - It's been just a little bit over a year since my dad died and I can hardly look at pictures.  My mom died before him and I have a video of her and I just can't watch it.  Does it help you to watch or does it make you feel worse?

Comment by dream moon JO B on May 26, 2012 at 3:49pm

wotched a nother home vidio of my dad his birtday in 2009 it woz just gud to hear his vose and lafter agan i just wish it woz for real i wish peopl iv lost wod com bac from the ded i no thy cant and evry tim i sea fathes days cards in the shops it sets me off a bit it  still hurts i no its gona hurt for a long tim

Comment by dream moon JO B on May 25, 2012 at 3:13pm

wotched a hom vidio today wit my dad on it woz gud to hear his laf and vose agane i just wish i cud hear him tark agane for real bean a total mess sinse his results cum bac he died of all the sam thngs his sisters had and sum of his cuzens

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 23, 2012 at 8:51pm

Casandra, Happy birthday!  I am glad your husband and your mom are making it special for you.  I went to lunch and shopping with my mom on my birthday too.  We always went to Red Lobster, and I drove by a Red Lobster around my first birthday without her and started crying like a crazy person.  Part of me wants to say take $20 or $30 and go to the store and either buy something for yourself or for your dad and put it on his grave to keep that part of the tradition alive, but if you are anything like I was at my first birthday with my mom, you might not be able to handle it.  It might make it worse.  If that is the case, start new traditions like your husband being off work and your mom making you dinner on your birthday until the old traditions don't hurt too bad to pick them up again.

Comment by Casandra Porter on May 23, 2012 at 8:44pm

Tomorrow is my birthday and my husband has taken off work to spend it with me which is something he normally wouldn't do because we are both workaholics. My mom has planned a family dinner for tomorrow, which usually she will make my favorite meal sometime within the month of my birthday and invite me over to eat, so it is a HUGE deal that she is making it specifically on the day of my birthday. Normally, as ritual has it, my father and I would have lunch or dinner together on my birthday and he'd take me shopping. Even being in my 30s, his idea of shopping was handing me $20 or $30 in my favorite store and letting me spend it on whatever I wanted. That was our thing since I was very little, lunch and shopping. It evolved after he and my Mom split-up to us spending the entire day together but no matter whatever else we did that day, lunch and shopping was the main agenda. This birthday, obviously, I won't have that. I know that everyone is doing what they can to fill the gap that he's left for me. And while I am eternally grateful for the attention and the effort in making tomorrow as special a day as possible, I am still very sad knowing that this is the very first birthday I will have to spend without him. 

But I am hanging on to the memories of the birthday's past and all the fun times we had together. Hopefully, that will be enough for me to get through the day tomorrow. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 23, 2012 at 8:31pm

Liz - it's okay to fall apart.  All of us did.  And, it is especially likely to happen at a special place like your dad's cabin.  My mom loved Christmas so much.  The Christmas after she died, I was in the grocery store and saw all the Christmas stuff, and I just started crying.  I thought everyone would think I was nuts, but some kind lady came up to me and took my hands and said, "God told me to tell you he loves you more than anything and that it will be okay" or something along those lines.  She stood and talked to me while I cried without judgment.  I think there are a lot of kind people out there who understand, and sometimes God sends them to us.  I volunteer in my church office two mornings a week.  One of my jobs is to do the bulletin and make sure it is ready for the service.  After the service, I am to take the extras and a copy of our newsletter to our members who are in nursing homes.  This week was the first week I had the delivering to our nursing home members part.  I was standing in the lobby and just started crying, because my dad was in a nursing home his last months and all I could remember was all the time I spent with him. 

Comment by Liz on May 23, 2012 at 8:23pm

Thank you Casandra and Fawnfeather for sharing your thoughts with me. It does help to hear other people going through the same thing...

Today and yesterday have been kind of hard days. My dad`s father built a beach front cottage on an Island with a buddy back in the 50`s and its a very special place to my family. Its our summer home. This was my dads favorite place in the world. We have so many good friends up there. Well, this coming holiday weekend we are going up to open it up for the season...without my dad for the 1st time ever. My mom and my brother and I are all going up. We plan on spreading his ashes around his favorite spots on the island. I cant even think about this weekend without having to excuse myself. I always loved this Island, but I`m so scared to go up without him. It doesn't feel right at all. This is the place I`m getting married at this summer too...

Sometimes I think to myself...ok...this is going to be a better day...and then I try to keep myself busy in my job and whatnot.. and then all of a sudden it will hit me out of nowhere...my dads never coming back. I cant talk to him ever again...I cant tell him how much I love him...I cant shoot the shit and crack jokes ever again...it hurts so much..physically and emotionally. Getting married is suppose to be the happiest time of a woman`s life..and I am dreading it. I really hope this starts to get better soon because I feel like Im losing it...like I`m screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears me...everyone just keeps on living their lives and I`m at a stand still...

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