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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 27, 2012 at 10:34am

jb - thanks for sharing the picture of your Dad.  He was a cute kid.  And, you are a good artist.  Thank you for sharing your picture.  Please share more.  You are inspiring me to draw again.  I think I will get the pencils out and try it tonight.  I have not drawn anything in a few years.  No time when I was a caregiver and no heart to do it after my parents died.  You really need to keep drawing.  You are very very talented.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 27, 2012 at 10:33am

Kim, I think sometimes you just have to let the sadness come and work its way out in its own time.  There will be a long time of bad days, then a combination of good and bad days, and one day more good days than bad.  Just yesterday I was in the store and saw Neopolitan Ice Cream and started crying, but the good news is that for most of that day I was alright.  A few months ago, that would not have been the case.  There were much fewer good hours and good days a few months ago.  It does get better - I promise.  I am sorry you were sad on the day you last wrote.  It is okay to be sad.  It is a horrible feeling, but it is okay to be sad.  Don't let any one tell you when you should be over this.  Take it at your own speed.  Your body will cleanse itself of the grief on it's own timetable and sometimes I think we just have to go along for the ride.

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on October 27, 2012 at 10:28am

Hi.  That is weird.  I had to join this group this morning to get on even though I've belonged for a long time.  Wonder what that was about?

Miranda - I am so so so  sorry about your dad.  It has only been a few weeks, so the pain is so fresh.  It does get better, but it does take time.  I am sorry you are hurting so bad now.  I had a similar experience.  When he first died, I went numb.  I got the call and numbly went to the kitchen, poured a glass of wine and just sat and stared at the wall the rest of the night.  My husband came down the next morning and I said, "My dad died."  No tears, no emotions.  I was numb.  I just sat there staring at the wall.  Then, we got to the funeral, and I saw the hearse and I showed no emotion but my whole body went into a panic.  I was breathing hard and thinking, "I can't drive behind that thing.  I can't see him put into that thing."  God spared me that.  It was raining so hard that they asked no one to follow the hearse.  They took him up and buried him and then came back to the after-dinner and took only the family up to the grave site.  But, then we got in the funeral home and I walked in and saw him in that coffin and I ran a few steps forward and then stepped a few steps back screaming all the way.  I got about half way up and I just collapsed onto the arm of a pew.  A lady who worked there who was friends with my dad ran to me and calmed me down.  After she calmed me down, I went numb again, and I stayed numb for weeks.  I was this numb person going through the motions at the after dinner for his friends.  I just stayed numb for several weeks and then it seemed like the grief started just about the time everyone expected me to be over it.  I was like - wait, I need you now, it just started and you all seem to be done supporting me now.  Then for several months i was plagued with guilt for every mistake I'd ever made and for not being with him when he died.  Then, I started crying over all the bad memories such as his illness and scary trips to the hospital.  Then, the good memories started to come, and I cried over them.  Now, I'm kind in good memory mode.  Last night I was in the store and saw Neopolitan Ice Cream, and I started crying right there in the store, because my dad loves Neopolitan Ice Cream. But, it is no longer 24/7 around the clock that I feel the pain and cry at memories.  Now it comes and goes.  I actually have some normal feeling hours.  But, my point is that what you are going through is normal.  It does take time, but it does get better.  Just be patient with yourself and let it happen at you pace.  Don't let anyone else tell you what you should be feeling.  Blessings to you.

Comment by Roberta Armendariz Madrid on October 20, 2012 at 7:01pm

Hi all. Lost my dad over 5 months ago...Doesn't seem that long... I have skimmed over  most of the posts and I feel for you.

Comment by Miranda on October 15, 2012 at 7:54pm

My name is Miranda and on October 1st, 2012 my father passed away after a long battle with throat cancer. I am glad that I found this site because I am a total mess now. I don't understand why this past weekend it finally hit me hard that Daddy is gone forever. He was an avid sportsfan. He LOVED the Dallas Cowboys. So yesterday i thought about watching them play,but I just couldn't do it. I have cried for 3 days straight and I know he wouldn't want me to be this way because he's no longer in pain. I am struggling because he was everything to my sons and I. I am my parents only child and he adored my sons and me. I am trying to think about other things,but my thoughts are constantly going back to him not being here which causes me to sob uncontrollably. I need to go back to work but I don't know if it's a good idea since I teach kids.

Another issue I am struggling with is I know I am at the beginning of grieving but how long will I grieve??? This is more exhausting mentally and physically than the last 3months,which was exhausting but on another level.

Sometimes I want to feel the peace that he has and that scares me because I know how he got his peace and I can't think lile that right???

Comment by Miranda on October 15, 2012 at 7:11pm

It has been two weeks since Daddy passed away and I am just now feeling this tremendous loss. I am the only chid, his pride and joy. My parents made it to their 33rd anniversary

Comment by dream moon JO B on October 13, 2012 at 3:22pm

hears 1 of my drawings its not finishit yet neads paint on

Comment by dream moon JO B on October 8, 2012 at 3:42pm

 dad aged 14 i no its not a goood 1 but thm dayz they wernt 

Comment by dream moon JO B on October 6, 2012 at 3:03pm

i do the same thng kim tark to my dad tark to his foto evry day it hurts like mad tht his not hear any more my dad cud cook to laura but nobody likes my cookinng thats happend to me to storyas the screan turning pink i no i nead to get over my fobia of drs even nurses i nead 2 its just got worse the way my dad died on tht last ward with lazy nursess doing nothingg and a few yrs ago i got took to cazualty this yung dr tryng to take blood out of me wishs is like geting blood out of a stone iv got no veans i haventt stuck the neeldl im my arm and had blood all over i thnk id rather trust fredddie kruger to do tht it least he wud of fond a vein 1 of my cuzens on my dads side my dads neise she puts a lot of salt on her food worse thn i do thm salt satchets u get she puts abot 12 or more on i only put abot 8 on but i no my dad told me his dad used to do the same so i must take after him for doing thtthe sam as my cuzen havnt sean her sinse my dads funrell

Comment by Laura on October 6, 2012 at 1:18am

Kim does it help you any to talk about the good things about your Dad and share that with others? My dad will be gone 4 years on the 11th. He was a wonderful, smart, loving gifted intelligent amazing man..I mentioning that from time to time. It makes me feel good to talk about how great he was to me and my family. H lived til 90. I learned how to cook from hin and right now I am cooking up storm..making a lot of things this week in honor of him. I don't know how in the world I will survive losing my mom...She is 87...I just know that because of them we have these great gifts inside of us that we can use to honor them. My father would be so proud of a few things I have done..and a couple of other things he would say..What were you thinking? lol.  He would love and accept me anyway..Kim, I feel your angst  My sister is very ill and she was my best friend and I feel like I am losing her also. These are the unfair parts of life..I look to God and lean on friends and the strength my Mom and Dad taught me and I think..I am not as good as they were..How can I handle  this?But they taught me I must. The only other alternative is to lay down and die...any maybe one day I will but for right now I will choose life until my reasons to live are gone..then maybe it will be time to go the next world and be in his presence..For now he tells me to stand  strong  and know that he is watching over me as I am sure your Dad is also.  They would want us to live. But if they would miss us so much that they need us where they are :) then God will take care of take of that..In the meanwhile..I pray you get some relief from you pain and find some thing..even if soemthing small to pour your heart in to to help distract from the pain..even if for a minute, an hour a second..but anything you need to soften the feelings that ebb and flow each day. Sorry for your loss.

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