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Comment by Dara on January 11, 2010 at 5:38pm

Hi, I just lost my Dad on 12/8/09 and it still doesn't feel real to me. He died very suddenly, complications due to pneumonia...one night I;m holding his hand , the next day he's gone. I feel like I still hear his voice calling my name...am I crazy? I'm so glad you guys are here I feel like you all understand and know what I'm going through. I wonder when you actually get to the point when reality sets in. I guess If I can get through one day without crying then maybe I can say it is getting better.
I still can't visit him and I can't yet see any pictures of him it's too hard, all I see is his beautiful smile and know that I will never see that again. I was wondering if any of you feel this way.

Comment by Debbie Varga on January 10, 2010 at 5:01pm

Charlotte, I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers at this difficult time. I understand what you are going through as I lost my step-dad to metastatic liver/brain/bone cancer very quickly in July. It seems like it just happened. I know that for us, it took several weeks for it to really sink in that he was gone. We were just in so much shock. I also feel like a part of me has died, a part of my heart is missing. And I still have days when I feel like I can't function, but I do what I have to do because I have to take care of my family.
My dad too was on hospice care at home and after the first week, he became less and less responsive, except for the pain when we had to move him to change his diaper. He had large tumors on his neck and shoulder so rolling him was extremely painful for him. It broke my heart to see him in such pain. That week I was actually praying that God take him so the pain would end. He passed 17 days after he was diagnosed. Those first few days were such a blur, with making all the plans and just getting through it all. But, afterward, I couldn't believe that I had asked for him to be taken. Was I nuts? I know that he was not living any sort of life, but he was still THERE. I could still hold his hand, rub his hair, talk to him, read to him, tell him about the kids. I hated seeing him in such pain, and the feeling that he was slipping further away from our world. But, he was there. I could see him, hear him, touch him. I was there when he passed. And the one thing that I can say about that, is, if you are meant to be there at the time of passing you will be, if you are not you won't be. The hospice nurses and social worker had discussed that with me, and about if my kids should be there. They all said over and over that it was really up to the hospice patient. And to God, or whatever Higher Power you believe in. I had wanted to be there, but my husband and I didn't want our children there (ages almost 3, and almost 5). But, my daughter had been insistent when we told her that her beloved Papa was so sick and would die soon, that she wanted to be there when he died and 'went to Heaven'. We had that conversation for 10 days. We tried to dissuade her. Not easy one to do with a pre-schooler! That last week, as his condition deteriorated, me and the kids stayed with my parents in their house. I found a daycare that would take my kids for two of the days so that they didn't have to spend all their time there because it was so distressing to them. I went home on Wednesday evening with plans to return on Friday, just to see my husband and allow the kids to play with friends at home. Late that night, my mom called me to come home. When I arrived I could see a distinct change in his condition, and was convinced that we only had a few hours left with him. The next morning, my hubby brought the kids down and we took them straight to the daycare, without letting them see Papa. We wanted time to figure out what to do and how to prepare them for his condition. We decided that we would keep them away. That day my dadn's mom, brother, and favorite aunt came to see him, and the priest came to pray wiht us. We all thought he would pass during the prayers because of his breatahing and hte peaceful look that came over him. But he didn't, so when I picked the kids up, I took them to my grandmother's house (which was vacant because she had passed away earlier in the year), then out to eat and to shop. By the time we got back, they played a bit and fell asleep. So, they had seen him every day, but that one. That night, my mom called me to come back to the house and my aunt came to stay with the kids. His breathing was so erratic, and the same with periods of apnea. When I went to get the kids in the mornign and take them to daycare, my daughter threw a huge fit. She wasn't going anywhere but to see Papa and give him a hug and kiss. I couldn't reason with her at all, so I prepared her as best I could for his breathing and told her that he probably wouldn't wake up because he had been so unresponsive. She looked a bit scared but was determined to see him, and stay there because 'he won't be with me at the daycare'. We got to the house and the kids hesitantly approached the bed. He woke up and tried to reach for them, they came up and gave him a hug and kiss, and he tried so hard to talk to them, you could see in his eyes how badly he wanted to say something to them. It was the most responsive and alert he had ben in two days. My mom leaned down to his head and she looked up and said, "Papa is trying to tell you that he loves you both very much". They both said "We love you too Papa.". He sighed a huge breath of release, looked peasceful agian, and within minutes, he breathed his last. It may sound crazy to some, but I believe with all my heart, that he waited to see my kids before he passed. He had no children of his own, I was his stepchild. I am an only child. He adored my children and spent most of his free time with them. They adored him. As much as my husband and I did not want our kids there when he passed, he made sure they were there. So, I guess the reason I am saying all this is to let you see that there was some reason that you were not there. It's not good or bad. It just is. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. It hurts so badly to lose someone so close to you. Like you, before 2009, I had never lost anyone that close to me. Then in a matter of months I lost both grandma's and my stepdad. To say it sucks is an understatement. Hang in there. People will tell you that he's in a better place, he's no longer in pain, he's happy where he's at, etc. And while they mean well, and all that may be true, it doesn't change the fact theat he's not HERE where you can see him, hold his hand, etc. AGain, you are in my prayers.

Comment by Charlotte on January 10, 2010 at 12:14pm

Hi, I just lost my dad on Friday (1/8/10). Even in writing those words I still can't believe he is gone. I feel like a part of me has died. My dad was diagnoses with liver ca in July, but we were told it was caught in the early stages. On the other side, it was an incurable cancer and there really wasn't any treatment for it. Over the last month or so my dad's condition declined, he became increasingly weak, and jaundice. Earlier this week my father was really having a difficult time with confusion and even more weakness so the decision was made for him to go to the hospice house. (he was receiving hospice services at home) The thought was that they could adjust his medications and the goal was for him to come back home. Well, on Tues we brought him over. I live like 2 hours away from them so I could see a change in my dad when I got to their house. He was sleepy and very weakened. Anyway, he went to the hospice house Tues afternoon, had no real complaints for the doctor and he even ate the whole meal he was given. So, he went to sleep and my mother and I went home. The next morning I went over to see him before I headed home and he had a dramatic decline. He was not really responsive, although they had given him a good amt of medication during the night because he was restless. And he was even more jaundice. So, obviously my plans changed and I didn't go. Throughout the day he pretty much slept but toward the late afternoon he sort of came to a bit. He was talking, but a lot of it was incoherant. But there were moments when he was aware. He was drinking water and I gave him two ice creams. My dad LOVED ice cream! My mom and I stayed that night and he seemed uncomfortable so they gave him some meds and he went off to sleep. That was the last time I had my dad "there". The next morning he was not responsive, he just wasn't there if that makes any sense. After hours of watching his breathing change to having periods of apnea I could no longer watch my dad in that state. My mom told me to go home. I have 3 small children and a husband that hadn't seen me in like 3 days. So, it was very difficult to leave. On Friday my dad passed away around 1:30p. I feel guilt as I should have stayed. I should have stayed till the end and held his hand. My mother, sister and nephew were there when he took my last breath, my dad was 78. I am just so incredibly sad that he is no longer here. It jsut doesnt' seem real. I feel like I can't function and that a part of me has died along with him. Anyway, I am glad to have found this site. I have never lost anyone this close to me. Thank you for listening.

Comment by Ruby Smith on January 5, 2010 at 1:15pm

Susan, I actually put together a dvd for his funeral services of all of his happiest times from childhood to the last time we were together. It's hard to look at now but it does help me to replace those memories.... I'm very sorry for your loss as well Susan!!!

Comment by susan Paull on January 5, 2010 at 4:57am

Ruby- My father too was my best friend. I lost him on the fifth of Dec. I am so sorry for the treatment you received at the hospital, especially leaving him in the state he was during his trauma. Do you have any video of you father enjoying himself you could watch to replace those negative pictures in your head-though those may be hard to watch now.

Comment by Ruby Smith on January 5, 2010 at 2:09am

I lost my dad on December 11th very unexpectedly to a massive heart attack. He was my heart. He came to visit me in my new home on the 10th and on the 11th we did some shopping and I bough him lunch. He had complained of a pulled musle or perhaps a broken rib but didn't want to go to the doctor because he didn't feel it was bad enought but would go if the pain got worse. After lunch he wanted a nap, when he was getting ready to nap I noticed his color was off and I told him that he would just have to be mad but i was taking him to the er. I think he knew something was not right because he agreed and I drove him to the er. At the ER they told us he was having a heart attack and he would have to be airlifted to another hospital that had a cath lab and facilities to take care of him. I walked his stretcher all the way to the helicopter and I couldn't reach him because the stretcher was so high but I kissed my hand and put it to his forehead and told him I would see him he would wake up from surgery. He told me he loved me too! When I arrived at the hospital I was treated horribly. There was no person waiting for me in the cath lab waiting room where i was instructed to be and the doors were locked to the room as well. I went into the er where i had to ring a door bell t times to get anyone and i was instructed to just wait in the er waiting room. Over the loud speaker I heard Code Blue in Cath Lab...I knew at that time it was my dad...I started to panic and freak out as people in the waiting room laughed at me as they thought i was some drug head off the street acting crazy....My mother, my dad's ex wife had someone from the er contact someone...Eventually and administrator came down and they unlocked the cath lab waiting room where I waited 20 minutes...The doctors finally came out and told me that unfortunately they had nothing but bad news that my dad had passed away and he had horrible heart disease....We never knew he had heart disease and i know he was not aware either as I contacted his regular doctor afterwards...They asked if I wanted to see my dad and I said ofcourse I did....I expected that he would be cleaned up but unfortunately that was not the case....they took me back to see my father with a tube in his throat, blood coming out of the side of his mouth, his arms and head hanging off of the table....These are memories i have trapped in my mind....I can never forget these....I told them that I wanted to have him cleaned up before my uncle arrived because nobody deserved to see a loved one like that ever....I had my dad removed from the hospital by the funeral home that night as I was not going to allow him to stay there one more minute than necessary....I gave him an appropriate funeral service and by his wishes had him cremated. I now have his ashes...i have 3 other siblings but both were estranged from my dad and don't share the fond memories of him that I have....I feel so very alone and like my heart is in 5 million pieces!!!! I'm afraid to go back to my new home now, I have no idea why i'm afraid I know if my dad came back to visit in spirit form he would never hurt me but i'm afraid still...I have anxiety beyond belief due to this....I'm so lost that I have actually got my immune system down and had to go to the er with bronchitis, resp infection and 102 degree fever....Where do I go from here?

Comment by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on January 1, 2010 at 10:22pm

Definitely, a step dad counts here.

Comment by Debbie Varga on January 1, 2010 at 7:50pm

Does a step dad count here? Or is there another group for that?

Comment by Toni Davis on December 30, 2009 at 9:35pm

Samantha,
I am so sorry about your dad and you. My partner died 25th Septemeber 2009, to alcoholism. It was a sudden death after a slow suicide. I have certainly had conflicting feelings around his death and life. My father died of cancer some years ago and he was also an alcoholic. The hard thing is that they were both still lovely men. It is a desperate disease for everyone. You sound like a wise and strong young woman. Good luck with your before 30 list.

Comment by susan Paull on December 28, 2009 at 2:05am

Karalyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father on Dec. 5; Saturday was a day he knew we would all be there. I find grief counseling a lot of help as well as letting myself do nothing when I need to. I also find things I can do to "be with him" such as go to places he liked to be or do things he liked to do. Everything is starting to shift n terms of my view of myself, my role in the family etc. I still feel the ground shifting under my feet. Letting myself cry when the shadows come over as ell as to distract myself with TV or a movie when I don't want to think about it for awhile.

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