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Comment by Bethany on January 26, 2010 at 11:56am

Debbie- I so know what you mean. My heart breaks whenever I think about my kids- at 7 and 4 1/2 they probably won't even remember him, and he loved them so much. My grandma died when I was seven and I only have dim memories of her. If anyone has any ideas on how to "keep him real" to my kids I would welcome them.

Comment by Debbie Varga on January 23, 2010 at 8:40pm

Tomorrow it will be 6 months. I still can't believe he's gone sometimes. It is so strange to continue living life without him. There are days when things are going along so NORMALLY, that I almost forget that he is gone. Then, I'll walk by one of hte photos in the house of him, or one of the kids will say something about him and it hits me all over again that he is gone. Really gone.

And, every night when I put the kids to bed, they ask me the same questions. Why did Papa die? I really miss my Papa, I want him to come back. Why can't his body come back? Am I going to die? When will you, daddy, I die? Will I see Papa in Heaven? Will I be big or little in Heaven? Will I have all my loveys in Heaven? It goes on and on. Until I just can't take it anymore. I have no answers for their questions. I have the same questions. I want him back too.

I know they are just scared and sad. And I think I've handled thier questions pretty well. We read books on death, like Sad Isn't Bad, What is Heaven Like? and Where's Heaven? I honestly don't know if they help or not. I do know that they prompt more questions from my children. I guess that's good. It is hard on me though. Some nights I am okay, and others, I just want to scream at them to shut up. Of course, I can't do that, but that's what I'm doing on the inside.

I just miss him so much. I keep thinking of all the things that he is missing out on with us nad hte kids. And I really hate to see my kids in such pain. I don't know what to do.

Comment by Charlotte on January 22, 2010 at 11:42am

2 weeks today my dad has been gone. I miss him :(

Comment by Charlotte on January 19, 2010 at 11:09pm

Molly, I know exactly what you mean. I cant' sleep at night, even right now I can't turn my brain off. I guess the only comfort is the memories and times spent together, but right now the pain of loss off sets that. Every now and then I can crack a smile over something my dad did or said, but it is not joyful at this point. ONly pain. I am sorry for your loss as well. I too am sad, so you are not alone.

Comment by Molly on January 19, 2010 at 10:40pm

Charlotte, I am also so sorry for the loss of your dad. My dad passed on the 7th, so our timing is about the same. I too can't really figure out how to go back to a "normal" life. Everything just seems wrong somehow. I just keep thinking...how can it be almost 2 weeks already?? The nights are especially hard for me. The house is quiet, kids and husband asleep, and I just sit here crying. I am so sad.

Comment by Charlotte on January 19, 2010 at 8:01pm

I am sorry for all of the losses that you have experienced. I wish that I could have responded to everyones post individually but my grief is so new and raw like most of you. I went back to work today (haven't worked the last two weeks) and it just didn't seem right for me to be there. Life going on without my dad. I guess this is just one of many "difficult" days ahead. Just wanted to get this off my chest. Again I offer my heartfelt condolences to all of you who have lost your dad. It is so very difficult but it has to get better at one point or another right?

Charlotte

Comment by Bethany on January 18, 2010 at 11:41am

My dad died on 12/31/09. He had an elective knee replacement surgery on 9/17- he sailed through the operation but went into respiratory failure a few days later. We are still waiting for the autopsy report. He had been in ICU for 40 days, then another 40 days on the medical floor and TCU. He was discharged two weeks before Xmas only requiring oxygen with activity. I am a pharmacist and am completely appalled at the level of incompetence at the hospital he was at- I can honestly say I directed almost every aspect of his care in the hospital, including reversing/preventing so many mistakes. While he was home his oxygen concentrator stopped working, which we didn't even know was a possibility, and is probably the reason he got worse. We made the difficult decision to remove him from the Bi-Pap, but it was over an hour until he died- his heart just wanted to keep beating. He was my best friend and my biggest fan. I feel totally numb. And lost.

Comment by Molly on January 17, 2010 at 12:09am

My dad Dave died suddenly on January 7th, 2010. We think it was a heart attack, he was found in his recliner. It looked as if he fell asleep and never woke up. He was only 61. It has been 9 days. Sometimes it feels like it's been 9 years and sometimes it feels like 9 seconds. I just can't believe he is really gone. There was so much left to do with him. I am mad that he was taken too soon. I am so sad that I will never hear his voice again or hug him or hear him say "I love you Molly".

Comment by Debbie Varga on January 12, 2010 at 12:58pm

Aubree,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Losses, actually. And, I can relate some to what you are saying about your family. My mom and stepdad were married 17 years and we had been friends with his family for even longer. My mom and one of his sisters were very close at one time. But, after my step-grandma broke her hip in 2006 and my parents let her stay with them as she recuperated (about 3 months), the family has slowly come undone. No one in the family, including my step-grandma, was grateful for the fact that my parents took her in, when no one else would. In fact, her own children only visited her once or twice from the time she was in the hospital to the time she went back home from my mom and dads! And, my mom had to call THEM in order for that to even happen. Now, since his death on July 24th, not ONE of them has called my mom to see how she is doing, or to let her know/invite her to any family holiday events. She is pretty hurt, but expresses it in anger and and 'I don't care about them either then' attitude. But, I know deep down she is feeling very hurt and betrayed. And, they have made it clear that she will get none of the farm property that would have gone to him. Again, seems to be all about the land and the money.
I went through a similar experience when my biological dad's mom died last year with the rest of the family - my blood relatives. My dad was deceased for 8 years last year, but when grandma died, the family told me that I would not get any of the inheritance that should have been mine because my grandma had loaned my dad money over 20 years ago and never paid her back. Luckily for me, a friend who's a lawyer was able to tell me that the statute of limitations in my state on such matters was 7 years. Now, this all took me from the end of February to the end of May to discover, and I was an emotional mess the entire time. When I found out and notified my 'family' of this, they informed me that they had known since March that the statute of limitations was over and I would be getting what was mine. Do you think they could have just TOLD me right away when they found out? NO. Even though, after they knew this, I was requesting copies of the will, the alleged 'notes' that my grandma wrote on small pieces of paper about the money she gave my dad. They had at least 3 oppotunities to tell me and spare me all the emotional stress I was going through. I had been seeing my therapist to work through the sexual abuse my dad inflicted on me for over 14 years, when all this started, so instead of spending my money paying for the therapy for that, I was spending my money paying to get my feelings and thoughts about their treatment of me worked out. I don't even care about the money. It's not very much each year that is paid out. Less than $800. In fact, every cent is going toward our children's educational fund, not for me. Which they know.
Seems that death always brings out the greed in certain people. My mom's family is completely different. They don't care about the money. And there has been no in-fighting about any of it since grandma's death last January. That is how I was raised, with my mom's principles and values. She is the most generous woman with not only any money she has (which is not much), but also with her time and talents. She will help anyone who needs help, even if they are ungrateful and rude. She is so charitable. It is so hard to see such stark differences between all sides of family.
I am so sorry that you have to experience such betrayal from those you considered family, from those you care about and love, from those you have many happy memories of. It hurts. I know. It was my favorite aunt that instigated the whole 'not getting the inheritance' thing. It really hurt. It still does. I have pretty much removed myself from the family until I am in a better place, maybe a place of forgiveness. But I am not there yet. And, I don't want my children to be exposed to that kind of denial and unacceptable behavior. I am trying to raise my children the way my mom raised me, and that doesn't leave much room for them in our lives.
Sorry for the ramble. Just know that you are not alone in this type of treatment. It creates such feelings of hurt, anger, resentment and betrayal. I will keep you all in my prayers.
As far as how to cope, write out your feelings, maybe seek therapy? I don't know. Those things helped me get through that time, but I am still feeling the hurtful feelings from time to time, espeically wround the holidays. I also wrote what's called and 'Healing Letter' to members of my family. If you would like me to send you the format for that, I will. Just let me know how to get it to you. I think you can send me a message from my page? Not sure how this site works completely yet.

Comment by Aubree Bowen on January 11, 2010 at 10:52pm

My stepdad passed away on October 28th, 2009 from leukemia and a rare bone marrow disease called myleofibrosis. I just turned 25. I thought I was coping okay on my own, but now I realize that I need help from people who have actually been through the same thing. I moved out to LA several months before he passed, and although I have many friends out here, I'm quite far from my family. My parents were married for 15 years before he passed away, and now his kids and his siblings are starting to pull away from myself, my mom and my sister. It makes me sick to my stomach...I had considered us a family for so long, even if we didn't live together, and now they want nothing to do with us. It just kills me. I miss him so much...I feel like there's a giant hole in my chest that will always be there. His kids are around my age, and were completely unsupportive while my mom was taking care of him. For the past two years, my mom has taken care of my stepdad; she never strayed from his side, and he often joked that she was the best nurse he could ever have. And now, all they seem to want is their share of the money. We mean nothing to them now. Ha, as if losing him hasn't been hard enough, now I'm losing my family too. Has this happened to anyone else? And if so, how do I cope with this? It's gut-wrenching to watch my family just fall apart...

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