Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Hello! I am new here and so happy to find this site. Here's my story...
On August 3, 2011 while I was working, I received a phone call from my mother. I can still hear her saying, "Honey, I don't know how to tell you this" "Daddy died". I screamed and yelled at my poor mother that she was joking and it wasn't funny and then I became hysterical realizing the reality. My father was 70 and did live a long life, but the suddeness of his death is what hurts so much. I didn't say good-bye to him, other than kissing him in the coffin. I still feel like it isn't real. I look at pictures and that reminds me he is no longer with us. I dream of him often. Has anyone had a sudden loss and the day is just stuck in your mind? Everytime you think of it your heart hurts?
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I have the same kind of dreams sometimes. Especially when my dad had first passed away. I would wake up feeling all happy and relaxed, forgetting what had just happened, and then it would all crash down and I'd realize that he was still gone. I've had dreams where I'm talking to my dad and those dreams help. I think sometimes i really am talking to him. He's been gone over 4 years now and I don't dream about him as often as I used too. My dad died when I was 23. We both lost our dad's so young and it hurts. It was hard when I got married, I ended up doing a court house wedding because I couldn't imagine walking down the aisle without him there. And then I had my daughter, and I know they would've gotten in SOOO much trouble together :-) But it's thoughts and memories of him that make it easier and harder at the same time :-/
I was listening to a country song today about "Wishing Heaven wasn't so far away" and I kept wishing I could talk to my dad one more time. I think he visits me sometimes when I dream. Some of them are more than just a dream. I remember this one dream when I asked him if it hurt when he died, and he said a little. I asked him if he called out and he said No and then I asked him if everyone was there (meaning in Heaven) and he said "Not at first" I know there was more but that's all I remembered when I woke up. Sometimes I dream about him and I know he's gone but I'm just so glad to be dreaming about him that even in my dream I don't care and I just cherish the time with him while I'm dreaming. I remember the first few months I just walked around feeling like I had this huge gaping hole in my chest and it was all I could do to get up every day. The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays were so hard. Same thing when I got married and had my first (and only) child. I remember feeling like my world had just stopped and shattered and yet everyone else just kept moving but I was staying still. I knew my friends felt bad for me, but that they didn't think of it every day like I did and still do. The pain hasn't gone away in four years but it has become more manageable and dulled out some. I am so sorry for those of you who are going through this now. The pain of it is just so unimaginable that some don't even realize what it takes for us to smile or do regular things. All I can say is that it gets better slowly, but I know I still miss him so very much.
i'm sorry linda, i know what you mean about the day being stuck in your mind. my dad passed away of a heart attack july 22nd, the day before my wedding. i cannot begin to describe how painful it was - and still is. so many emotions attached to it. we decided to go along with the wedding as planned and luckily my brother was able to walk me down the aisle but not having my dad there has been so devastating. on top of the trauma of being in shock and so emotionally and physically exhausted sometimes i can't even believe i made it through it.
i keep replaying that morning i heard the news in my head, over and over - the phone call, driving to my parents house, being carried upstairs while i was sobbing uncontrollably so i wouldn't see his body on the kitchen floor. i have dreams about him almost nightly, they used to be nightmares but thankfully now they are just nice reminders of him. i still get sad when i wake up and there's those few moments when i think he's still alive.
i know the grieving process takes time, hoping i'll get out of this "anger" phase i'm in soon because it seems like a sort of destructive place. i don't want to hurt the relationships around me and i know my dad would be so sad if he knew i was so upset. i do think every week things get a little better, hopefully the sadness will become more manageable in time.
hope you're doing ok, would love to hear an update sometime. take care!
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