My name is Mari and I am new to this group. My Dad passed away July 4th 2011. He was the only parental figure I had left, my mother abandoned me as a infant as well as my older brother and sister, he was in the Navy at the time so we were sent to live with my grandparents who continued to raise me even after my dad got out of the Navy.Nana and Grampa were like mom and Dad to me, so I guess you could say I had 2 dads. My grandmother passed away November 16th 2005 and I never really delt with the loss, I just shoved it away and tried to forget it. Then March 17th 2010 ( St Pats Day) my Grandfather unexpectedly died at the age of 88, so here us kids were, with just dad to turn to. Our mother has returned and had tried to be a part of my life but I just cant being myself to have a relationship knowing all she had done to my father. Because of her he never remarried and kind of became a recluse. After Grampa's death in 2010 We became alot closer to my dad and we celebrated Holidays together and talked and spent time together, little did we know he was a ticking time bomb, I think after losing his father he just gave up and let himself go. His condition slowly went downhill but he was still active and part of our lives. On June 28th 2011, we called and ambulance for him as he said he was having a hard time breathing, which he has had this issue before as well as hypertension so we figured he would be admitted for a couple days then be on his feet and home again. When we left hospital he was joking around laughing with us and just being dad, so we walked out of there thinking he would be fine, we got a call at 1030PM informing us they were moving him to a cardiac hospital as he has congestive heart failure and an Anyurism on his Aorta which I knew nothing about but has been there for over a year. At 6am we recieved a call that he was being rushed into emergency surgery, He spent 10 hours in the OR as they tried to repair the anyurism that was rupturing as they did the surgery, Finally we were allowed into the ICU to see him after surgery. He was heavily sedated and he just did not look like my dad at all. At this point I had a dreadful feeling come across me and I just couldnt shake it, I kept telling myself he is a tough old bird and he will be fine. After a day and a half of sedation they stopped the sedation to let him wake up. After 2 days he still was not responding but surgeon said it could happen, some people take longer than others do. Finally on the morning of July 3rd they were concerned that he wasnt responding at all and wasnt waking up, he was hooked up to every machine known to man and about 15 IV lines going into him. They took him down for a CT scan and a Brain scan. The results were not good. During the surgery they were pushing blood thru him so he would continue to have blood flowing to his brain, during that time some clots came loose and made their way to his brain. He had several strokes in every hemisphere of his brain, only brain activity was in his brain stem which controls breathing and reflex. The chances of him ever recovering had gone from 50% down to 0, my brother was too distraught to help make the decisions we had to make. So my sister and I were given the options of give it a few more days and see if anything changes or we could discontinue treatment and let him go peacefully on his own. We asked the surgeon and Dr's several times if they were SURE he would never make a recovery, they showed us the CT Scan and Brain scan. At that time we decided that it would be best to let him go on his own. At 7pm on the 3rd they started him on a morphine drip, at 8pm they removed all the machines, ventilator ect. My sister and I sat by his bedside, his vitals stayed rather normal after all machines were removed so I thought maybe just maybe he will recover and dr's are wrong. At about 3am I was fighting to stay awake but I stayed at his bedside holding his hand talking to him crying, you name it. I dozed off with my head on his bed holding his hand, my sister suddenly woke me at about 515am, I looked up at machines and I knew it was very close and we were going to lose him, his heart rate was at 22 and respiratory rate ws at 4, so we knew it would happen soon. I sat there holding his hand staring at the monitors, his RR was the first to go to 0 and flatline, within seconds his heart stopped beating and the machine was all straight flat lines, he had taken his last breath at the age of 61. I was so numb, then it hit me that my siblings and I were alone now, its just us kids, my mother ditched us kids at a young age and moved on with another man which she had 2 more children with, She has tried to be a part of my life but only to ease her own concence. When she was at hospital (she drove my sister because my sister was too distraght to drive) she tried to play the doting mother, after 30 years of no birthday cards no hello but she sure did dote on her other children that she did raise, her exact words at hospital were " I feel nothing for him I am just here for the kids" I wanted to snap her neck, after all she put us kids through I was appalled that she could say that. Planning my fathers funeral was devastating, at his funeral I completely fell apart, He had full military honors at his funeral, I now have his dress whites Navy hat. I have never felt so alone, The 3 people who meant the world to me are gone and the one person I despise is still living and breathing, she hasnt called to see how we are holding up..nothing, she only puts on the show of cocern when people are around, other than that I have 0 relationship with her. I am 32 years old with no paarents, no grandparents. Some days I am so low I wonder why I should continue going on this way, I never in my wildest dreams could I Imagine feeling this level of pain. I cant sleep, I cant eat, its always on my mind, I can see him laying there taking his last breath and his heart stop beating, a day hasnt gone by that I havent cried myself to sleep, some days that pain turns to pure rage at my mother for the hell of a life she put me through, she adores her 2 other children but i guess my brother sister and I are the mistakes she wants to forget. I have thought about seeking counseling but I want to try a group like this as you all can relate to how I am feeling. Some days I dont even want to go on anymore, the pain is unbearable, I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Anxiety attacks.The crying, sometimes fits of rage are incredible, I dont even know where to start for treatemnt? what can a therapist do? they are paid to listen. the only way to understand is if you have been there too which is why I joined this group. Does the pain ever get better? does it ease up over time? its been a mont and I am still an emotional wreck. I snap at everyone, I cry at anything, I have fit of rage it jst goes from my emotion to another. What do I do? where do I go from here? I want to console my siblings but I cant even seem to get myslef under control, I have never felt so much pain, so much loss and so alone, I am married with an 11 year old daughter and I feel she is losing out because of me, but he is on my mind all the time and I am just not into going out and doing things, my home is where I feel safe. I dont feel like I could handle anymore loss, I am super overwhelmed so please can anyone help me? I dont know where to go from here, He had 2 cats which I am sure he planned on outliving but unfotunetly he didnt. A few days after my fathers death his oldest cat Inky in which he has had since Inky was 8 weeks oldd, Inky passed away and I had him cremated so I can sprinkle his ashes on my Dads grave. MY pofile picture was taken a few years ago when father and son were still alive, Alll I have now are memories. I would give anything up to have him back...I miss him terribly, I had pain when nana and grampa died but I think my Dads death was my breaking point, we knew Nana was going to die, Grampa was unexpected and dad was unexpected so my question is...how do I deal with all this grief anger and rage??? I feel like the pain is detroying me, I've lost weight, appetite is horrible,I just drink water, no desire to do anything what so ever....I dont know where to go form here...

                                                              ~Mari~