"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
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Lost without my dad
Hello to all and my condolences for your losses. I gratefully found this site on one of many sleepless nites. My Dad passed away on March 25, 2010. It seems like it all happened just yesterday and it still feels like a horrible dream that I have yet to wake up from. He was diagnosed with cancer in early February 2010. It all seemed to happen so fast. He had been losing weight for several months but we didnt we really think anything of it because he was a rather large man and had been trying to lose weight for some time. Then in December he had what we thought were symptoms of the stomach flu and seemed to get better only to have the same symptoms over and over again. Finally in Feb. we got him to go to the Dr. and they sent him to the hospital for tests and a colonoscopy. They found that he had a very large tumor in his colon that nearly completely obstructed his bowel. At this point they told us that he had only a few months to live. When they went in to try to remove it they found that it had wrapped around too many blood vessels, as well as, his bladder and they couldnt remove it so they instead gave him a colostomy. They also found several large tumors on his liver and later found tumors in his lungs and bladder. Now they said his life was shortened to mere weeks. My mom wasnt able to care for him at home so I brought him home and with the help of hospice we took care of him at home. He has always been the strongest person that I know and he remained so even through this. He simply said that all he could do is what he had always done before and that was live until he died and so he did. He never lost his sense of humor or quick wit. He truly the made the best of the time he had left. And when he passed we were all there with him. But it still feels so unreal to me. Like it couldnt have really happened. Since his passing things have happened so quickly. My mom found herself unable to even step foot in thier house and I cleaned out thier belongings and she moved in with us. She sold the house this past October. I feel like I havent even had a chance to grieve. I feel like I am stuck in that moment when he took his last breath and havent even gotten past that. I feel lost. He was the backbone of our family and now everyone looks to me to take that place. He was my best friend and the one person that has always been there for me no matter what. I struggle to sleep at night and when I do sleep I struggle to get out of bed. I am existing but not really living, if that makes any sense.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mel Joyce on
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sorry to hear that Teresa, i know how you feel. My dad passed away, March 4th, it is hard. Even now, i struggle, but i must keeping moving along, i have four little home with me, all under the age of 8. My dad was my best friend too. He was my counselor, prayer warrior, friend, many things to me. i loved calling him in the morning and chatting with him over coffee. He use to call me over the silliest things, but it was stuff like that, that makes me miss him so. I know what you mean about everything happening so fast. I spent a whole month back home taking care of his affairs, then when i returned to my home, it was disaster, i couldn't sleep, function, didn't want to do anything. my husband asked me to get help, he needed me and the kids needed me. so i saw the doctor, got sleeping pills, antidepressants, joined a griefshare group, and jump on this site too. It has been a comfort knowing other people are experiencing so much grielf and confusion. My best advice is try anything that will get you moving again. Being stuck is the hardest part because without your dad, it's just not the same. Not normal, so now you have to find a new normal and deal with many emotions, moment to moment. it's not day to day, because anything sets you off, Now with the holidays, it will be another round of crazy emotions. So my friend, i will pray for you and hope you find some avenues to get help. Sleep is the first thing you need to get under control first. without sleep you can't function. So look into that first. Take care & God bless ya, mel
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Permalink Reply by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on
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Hi Teresa,
As a bedside hospice volunteer for 8 years I've often seen what you described. You said "I feel like I am stuck in that moment when he took his last breath and haven't even had a chance to grieve." Being stuck at the moment of someone's death a year after it occurred is a part of grieving. I can see how disconcerting it might be to believe nothing has changed in one year. But it probably has in a multitude of ways.
Any significant loss is traumatic, whether it's the death of a loved one or a relationship. What follows is the emotional equivalent of physical shock. And just as in physical shock, the consequences and length of time it lasts are unpredictable. But it sounds as if you're ready to move on--I don't think to grieving (you're there already)--but rather to recovery.
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Permalink Reply by Carolyn Halsey-Minnick on
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Teresa, I know exactly what you mean. The nightmare seems never ending even when awake. After my dad passed in May I had to come back home and get ready for an inspection on my apartment, a friend of mine of 30 years ended our friendship, my sons ex-girlfriend took visitation of my granddaugter from me because she isnt happy that my son doesnt have a job; and all I want to do is scream dont you people know what has happened! Near the end, just days before he passed he told the nurse, "You know I've been a strong old boy, but I dont think I'm this strong, I think this thing has beat me", even then I didnt wat to hear something like that, he had fought so hard and never once complained, to me no-one could ever be stronger than that.
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