Hello Everyone, I just found and joined this website earlier tonight in the middle of a bad crying spell that went on most of this afternoon. My father passed away a month ago yesterday from a heart attack. He went into the bedroom to change into his slippers and only got one shoe off. He had no history of heart problems so this was really unexpected. The day he passed, he was out in his yard climbing a ladder and trimming the trees.
I am in my 40s and a single parent, but I feel like a 6 year old child who just lost her daddy. My dad has been my security blanket. He's the one who has fixed things that broke in my house, the one who helped me out financially when making ends meet without child support was impossible, the one who drove 2 hours each way to my home to stay with my daughter when I went to school out of state one weekend a month for a year and a half. He's been the one I could count on, thick or thin, and now I feel lost and scared.
But mostly, I feel bad because I took more than I gave to him during my adult life. You see, I had a rocky childhood because my dad developed a drinking problem and became physically abusive after his business went under. It was a dark time for my entire family. But, he overcame his problem and, with time, my family put our past in the past. Yet, I know in many ways my dad spent the rest of his life trying to make up for the pain and abuse he caused us kids during our childhood. And, I never told him he could stop doing that. I never told him I forgave him and I don't think my sister or brothers ever told him either. I guess we assumed he knew it or I don't know why we never told him. On Father's Day, I was going to tell him that I now understood how he went where he went when he lost his business and that there was nothing to forgive... that I knew if he could have done better by us back then, he would have. I lost a business in 2005 and it has taken me about 4 years to get over it, and I have gone through a lot of emotional stuff putting it behind me. But, I didn't tell him... I sat on the patio alone with him and even thought about it, but ended up saying nothing.
One night recently while my mother was upset and crying and grieving, she mentioned that my dad always thought he was going to hell when he died. So now I feel like my lack of telling him I forgave him, or any of us telling him, caused him to think that and I am overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I would give anything to have one last conversation... to tell him he more than made up for everything that happened in those dark years... to tell him that I wouldn't trade him for any other father in the world. To let him know I loved him with all my heart.
This is the first person I've lost that I've been close to and I don't know what to do with myself. My house in a mess, I can't sleep, my laundry has piled up for weeks and I've missed a few days of work this week and last. I started smoking again and I just keep sitting in my lawn chair, with my cigarettes and coffee, staring out into the sky. This is, by far, the hardest thing I have experienced in my life. And, I don't even know why I've written this... sorry its turned into a book.
Thanks for listening and understanding.
Connie