Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Storyas Fawnfeather on May 24, 2012 at 8:22pm

Well, I don't consider myself a young adult.  I'm feeling quite old these days, but I'm about the age of your oldest, so I guess a response from me will help.  My mom died before my dad did.  Since she was gone and I wanted to talk to her so much, a call from her on Father's Day would have been one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.  So, I say call them.  They are so lucky to have you here to call them, and i hope they see that.  What we would like on Father's Day is the one thing none of us can have any more - to have our Dad's back.  So, I have to say, "What is the next thing that would make us feel better?"  If you all live close together, I would say the next best thing would be for you all to get together on Father's Day and celebrate the family you still have here and appreciate each other while celebrating his life:  maybe telling stories about his life or doing something he enjoyed while you are together.  If you do not live close together, I would say in addition to calling them, send them a card and write in it something their father loved about them or a memory you have of them with their father on father's day.  Then, they can sit and read it without worrying about what anyone else will think.  They might feel like they have to stuff down their grief while they talk to you on the phone, but if you send them a card with information about how their dad felt about them, they can sit with that when they want to (and more than once) and feel their grief.  I also think that you should not forget about yourself and what you need that day.  You are important too.  You are grieving too.  Sometimes it helps someone if they help someone else.  So, I would say that in addition to letting your kids know you love them and are thinking about them on Father's Day, let them know something they can do to make you feel better.  I think doing for you might help them with their grief.  It's like one of our priests said last Sunday, "When we give to other people, it often opens the door for us to receive."  You will be doing that by giving to your kids.  Give them the chance to do for you too.  I hope this helps.

Permalink Reply by Demetria Hazelgrove on May 25, 2012 at 1:40pm

i'm 32 and lost my very dear father a few years ago. for my first father's day without him, which was always a big deal, i made a point to get up really really early and visit the grave site before it got bad hot. i took my time and when i was ready left and went to church to be surrounded by my friends and surrogate family there. i remember thinking i would have liked to have heard from my mom that day. so yes, don't hesitate to reach out to them. if anything, maybe send a card saying you're thinking of them. 

Permalink Reply by anna l. on May 25, 2012 at 2:01pm

Thank you for your replies.  My kids do not have a gravesite to visit.  My husband have very specific wishes for his ashes and we havent yet figured out how to honor those wishes so they are on his dresser in our bedroom where I can say goodmorning and good night to him every day.  I like the idea of sending the kids each a card and I think I will put a picture of each of them with their dad.  I will do that soon so they have them before Fathers day.  I dont want to overwhelm them on the day because I want them to enjoy the day with their children too.  I really really appreciate the responses I have gotten.  My kids have been through a lot in a couple years.  First they lost their brother, then their dad, and for the most part they lost me for almost a year while I cared for their dad and then deeply grieved him.  I want to try to show them that I do know they lost alot too.  Thanks again. 

Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on May 25, 2012 at 2:36pm

Hi anna. how are you doing? hugs to you.

I was just 26 when I lost my Daddy. He has been gone for 2 years now. Within 1 year apart, I then lost my husband. For the first Father's Day, I brought flowers for him and a huge balloon. I agree with being together with family as much as we can. I also suggest calling them and saying happy father's day, i am pretty sure they are honoring their father, by them too, being great dad's!.

I myself, somehow must pull that special day through, because now, my son too, no longer has a Dad.Its very sad but ask for God's strenght every day.

 

take care,

Permalink Reply by Tina W on May 31, 2012 at 8:55am

Hi, let me start off by saying im sorry for the loss of your husband, that must be really difficult. Well Im 25, younger that your kids, but willing to give some advice on my perspective. Jan 28 I lost my dad very unexpectedly, he was only 47. Then come April 9th and my mom passed unexpectedly, she was only 44.Mother's Day for me was hard. I bought her some flowers, balloon and a teddy bear and like your husband my mom was cremated so I put the stuff at her bed. I cried most of the day and didnt want to think of the memories or evem think about her because it hurt so bad. I pretty much wanted to be left to myself. I know Father's Day is going to be the same way. I plan on buying some flowers and balloons for my dads grave site but the push from people to talk about them or to think of good memories its just too hard. If one of my parents were still alive I think it would be nice with the picture thing and I think a phone call saying I know today is a rough day for you but I just want you to know Im here, type of thing. It may be because im younger or and I know everyone grieves different but the one thing I hate is when people push my parents on me, they keep telling me how much they loved me or trying to force me to think of a memory. I think for the first holiday not trying to over do it is key. I wish I had someone that thought of me during this time like you are doing for your kids, thats why im kind of rambling on and thougt I would give my point of view. Good Luck to you!

Permalink Reply by anna l. on May 31, 2012 at 12:09pm

Tina, Im so sorry you lost both your parents so young and so close together.  I know one of my kids is like you and gets up and walks out if their dad is brought up.  He lives close to where his dad had a serious accident 4 years ago.  His wife says he often just gets up and leaves.  Apparently he goes to the site of the accident and just hangs out there for awhile.  Everyone does this in their own way for sure.

I appreciate you taking the time to "ramble".  It gives me some hope that what Ive decided to do will be the right thing.  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Jo Pennington on June 3, 2012 at 11:18pm

If your kids live near enough to you - here's what my brother and I do on Father's Day. After my daughters and I celebrate in the morning, we all drive down to my moms. We have some of  his favorite foods, deff have a German Choc cake, share memories and watch one of his favorite movies.

As for your sons - please call them. Something I have found talking with other adult child survivors like myself and your kids - is that all too often people remember the loved one that is gone but tend to forget that there are people that were "left behind". Maybe with your sons you can share a good memory of them together, if they have their own children remind them that their father was proud of them for how good of a father they are etc.  Same with your daughter,  even though she isn't a "father" remind her how proud of her he was.