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Comment by Crystal K on October 9, 2017 at 9:19pm

I understand how you feel Jennifer.  I too was my mom's caregiver for the last three years.   I am grateful for the time with her and that I was able to take care of her like she did me, but I am angry that no one really helped because now her death is on me and I wasn't able to save her.   Also, I complained a lot about being her caretaker which I regret but I'm just so angry because everyone allowed me to feel this way, being overwhelmed and lashing out on my mom.  My mom died from multiple complications, she went in for a foot infection and was told that her arteries are completely blocked so she suffered a heart attack from the infection which weakened her heart even more and she later died from cardiogenic shock because her heart wasn't pumping enough blood.  I was away on a trip for 3 weeks and a week into my trip she became ill but I didn't return right away because I didn't know how severe it was. I blame myself for not taking her earlier for the cut on her foot because that became the death of her and I wonder if she would've lived longer if her foot didn't get infected (which wouldn't have happened had I taken her to the hospital sooner. She was diabetic and had a toe amputated a few years ago in same manner.

It all started from that infection. The infection I didn't immediately take her to the hospital for. The infection she had for a month while I was having a good time in new Zealand.   Her heart was already in bad shape due to dialysis but I wonder if she would still be here if I had taken her to the hospital before I left on my trip.  My mom is a second language English speaker, so I accompanied her on most of her doctor visits. I'm mad at her for not getting it checked out sooner or telling me how bad her foot got.  But I'm more mad at myself for not realizing it. For not realizing her old patterns of waiting out health problems until it gets very bad. For not listening to my instincts. Mad at her sisters for not realizing this while I was away. Mad at the doctors for not catching her heart problem sooner. Mad at the world for how this happened.  For my 25 years of life, I have been at my mom's bedside, and the day she gets ill, I'm not with her.  I thought I was pass all this anger but I guess it was just locked away for the meantime.  I want to get pass it, but there is also a small voice that says 'you deserve to live with this because of what I've done.   Life is so funny and cruel sometimes. 

I often wonder why do I deserve to feel this way. My mom was the last person close to me.  I've lost my grandmother, my close uncle, anyone that was close to my heart. Everyone points out that I should be happy I still have my sisters and my aunties, cousins, but no one will replace the hole in my heart. I miss my mom so much, it pains me to even think about being happy without her. Do I even deserve to?

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 17, 2017 at 11:27am

I am sorry for your recent the recent loss of your Mom. The grief can be so overwhelming right now. This is a good place to come and share because we all understand what you are going through.

I was my Mom's caregiver too. She was on Hospice only 2 days before she died of heart disease. I am glad I was able to care for her in her own home the past 3 years. Many adult children do not have that option and have to place their parent in a nursing home or some other assisted living facility. But because I had this close caregiver relationship with her, I think it hurt  even more when I lost her. I still struggle with thinking if I had just did something different, she would still be alive today. 

Bluebell

Comment by Luisa Salter on September 16, 2017 at 6:00pm

Hi everyone, this is my first posting too. I oversaw care for my Mom for the last 16 months of her life. She died August 30th 2017 of lung disease, at 68 years old. She was able to be in her home. I did some of her care, but for the last few months we mostly relied on hired caregivers. The last week of her life I did stay with her and care for her a lot of the time. Like Jennifer, I was told by many people what a good job I was doing, but I also struggle with regret about what I did not do. The truth is, I would feel so grief stricken just being there with my Mom and seeing how she could no longer move, or do any of the things that she loved to do, that I couldn't think clearly a lot of the time. We had Hospice and she was medicated heavily for her discomfort. She died August 30th of lung disease, she was 68 years old. The sense of loss that I feel is overwhelming a lot of the time, like now, on a Saturday afternoon when I would have been at her apartment with her. I don't have a lot of other family and I just want to talk to my Mom and have her tell me that everything will be alright. This is the first major life change that I have to navigate without her.

Comment by dream moon JO B on August 9, 2017 at 6:11pm

i feal bad coz moms had 2 go in 2  a nrsin hom pls dnt hav a go it me i no idesvye t bt im exspectin a ot mr pele layin in 2 mewhy dnt i takbetr car ofher wish i cud dnt relz well did bt not well my slf

her dem/azl not g

its ud shes soil er slf wet her slf wish is not her i ni i cud of dun mor 

its lk iv loss her bf shes gon im so bad i feal iv bean beatny slf up in sid fr st frw wks or mor 

why cud iv nt dun mor 

am i so bad

she nozw wh i am bt weni go fogs iv bean or my sisrts bean  bt i do go 2 sea her bt i try not2 go mush so she cnt rly on me i feal so bad wz tld she reld on me 2 mush 

need 2 get my slf bt rht

iv evn bean tld be pred for peol layi in 2 m tellin me i shud if tk betr car of mom im a vil humn bean dnt need remd off othr peple wen it stsgoin off i no im a bad eg i do

i no ill be getin

why did i let ths alz/dem hapen 

dnt no

why dnt itak bet car off her itryd bt new mona tk ov artrits in me tok ovr thn i no il be tld no exscus i cud of dun a ot mor

its wot im preprd fpr i just i cud waca magi wond mom be ok agan dad be hear evry elsbe ok evry thng ots go bad wud nt be my falt al i no is its still my falt

sor

sorry if im goin on 2 mush jts ths dem/azl getin 2 me exspet pepep layij in 2 me wish im dredin

Comment by Joy on August 9, 2017 at 12:10pm

My mom passed in May and like the previous post from Jennifer I was my mom's sole caregiver for nearly three years. My mom had a lot of health issues, she was immobile for one thing which was very difficult in terms of transporting her, lifting her everyday, helping her stay clean, etc. My mom had cataracts, Alzheimer's, diabetes, edema. I also found out she had a UTI which combined with Alzheimer's is a recipe for disaster. She would start seeing things and people who weren't there, she'd start folding her blankets non-stop.  It was hard fixing foods that she could swallow and enjoy. It was hard getting her to drink water and stay hydrated. I thought I'd feel this tremendous relief once she passed because then I'd have my life back, but I don't feel relief for myself and don't feel whole right now. The only relief I have is that she's free and not suffering any longer.

I tried doing as much for her as I could, but I don't think I did enough either and that haunts me. Because mom meant everything to me. I look back and wonder should I have quit my job, but didn't do that because I was our only means of support. Yes mom received pension and social security benefits but I wasn't going to live off of her resources and so I kept working and taking care of her.

Anyway, I know nothing is going to bring her back but I do have a lot of regrets and just wish I could have done so much more for her. I know she loved and appreciated everything I did do as she would tell me so. I just feel disappointed in myself sometimes as I go through this process of grief.

Comment by Jennifer Schrader on January 27, 2016 at 1:22pm

This is my first posting, and your post really hit home. My heart aches for my mom. And I am trying to find me again. I lived my life for my mom. And miss her so much. Even though everyone says it was the cancer that killed her, I have issues with the care I gave her. So many people says how proud they are of me since she was able to die in her home and I did a great job. I have always felt I could have done better. And I hope she was comfortable at the end. Since I had to force pain meds on her because she couldn't do anything for herself. I have never vented like this. Please let me know if you feel the same or what was your caregiver/ daughter. I am an only child. My mom was 59. Breast cancer