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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on December 27, 2011 at 10:45pm

Hi K.T.

I dont know a time frame?. I too lost my husband this April and have not gotten down to going over his clothes. I just cannot do it.  I feel as if I just want to leave everything the same as he left it before he passed away. And the thought of going over his clothes makes me feel guilty. I get many comments from others, saying that i should give it away, even his brother wanted me to give it to him to wear, but I cannot do that. Maybe we are not ready yet?

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Permalink Reply by anna l. on December 27, 2011 at 11:32pm

The right time is when you are feeling ready.  One day you will just know I think.  I have given very few of my husbands things away and most of his cloths are still in the house.  His desk is exactly how he left it but the rest of the office has been cleaned and sorted.  His dresser top is exactly as it was.  Mess and all.  I have given myself permission to do things as Im ready and not before and that is working for me.  I hope you can give yourself the same permission.  Grief has no timetable,  nor should what we do with their things.

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Permalink Reply by K.T on December 28, 2011 at 4:41am

Hi Guys, thanks for your replies. I too was also keeping her dressing table and such exactly the same, but we had a flood a couple of months ago, and it reached her room. Before I knew it construction men were inside moving all the furniture and belongings and yes I cried, it was so upsetting, but I was forced to deal with it. Now it's just her wardrobe but I guess, like you say I'll know when I'm ready...

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Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on December 29, 2011 at 7:02pm

My mom died in November and already people are asking me about when I am going to clean out her room. Right now, I am not going to clean out anything. I will not clean out anything until I"m ready. I met a lady whose husband died 5 years ago and she has not cleaned out his closet, yet. I don't think there is a correct answer. I am not going to worry about it right now.I could use the closet space. Maybe one of these days I will do this but definately not anytime soon. Hope this helps.

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Permalink Reply by Melissa Broome on December 31, 2011 at 10:48pm

Whenever your ready. My mom had her own home. She just stayed with us when she was so sick. I couldn't deal with or have I been to her house since she passed no. But she still has a husband and such. So that stuff is left up to him. Will I be upset with what he keeps or gets rid of probably so but since I'm not there. Then I guess it's none of my business. I just can't yet and it's almost been 9 months. I kept everything of hers that was at our place. Even silly little magazines. You'll know when it's time.

Melissa

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Permalink Reply by Janet Eccles-Scheffel on January 1, 2012 at 8:53pm

The right time is when it feels right to you. My sister and I started cleaning out my mom's condo the day after the funeral. I brought a lot of things home with me because I needed time to process everything that was happening. Slowly, over the next couple of month's I donated or gifted many of the items. The rest are currently in my attic.  Everyone processes loss a little different - but you should not feel guilty about getting on with you life.

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Permalink Reply by Michelle W on January 3, 2012 at 3:12pm

I had many issues with this my 17 year old son died in a blink of an eye and I had clothes in the dryer a truck to get from down the street and teenager things everywhere . My husband wants me to put everything away because it really hurts too much to see these things but we have compromised  I just put everything in his room and try not to notice things let out. I really can't imagine every releasing his things..... Maybe someday..,

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Permalink Reply by Diane Grell on January 6, 2012 at 5:13pm

You will know when the time is right. I did what my mother did and got rid of my husbands clothes right away and I've regretted it ever since.  Take your time!!!! you will know!!!!

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Permalink Reply by anna l. on January 6, 2012 at 5:28pm

I just remembered something about this subject today.  Before I was born my 14 year old sister drown in a boating accident.  My parents and some other brothers and sisters were on shore and watched it happen, but could do nothing about it.  It happened in 1954.  My mom was taken to the hospital in shock and when she was let out of the hospital and went home nothing of Beverly's was there.  Friends had gone in and removed all traces of her, thinking it would be too hard for my mom to come home and have to face that task.  They somehow missed a dress and 2 report cards.  My mom cherished those in a box until the day she died in 1984.  And she hated those people for doing that until she died too!!  Just because her things were gone did not take the pain away, but maybe increased it because Mom felt they wanted her to forget all about having that daughter.  I guess I never really understood all that until I think about it today.  We all deserve to make these decisions on our own, in our own time, in our own way without worrying about what other people think. 

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Permalink Reply by Ashlee on January 8, 2012 at 5:55pm

I don't think that there's a time limit, I think it all depends on how you're feeling. In my experience, my mom passed away in July and within a few days after her funeral, my aunt put my mom's clothes that were in her suitcase, back into her drawers. I've gone through some of my mom's stuff, but only to look for things that I want to wear. She had a good sense of style! Plus, I feel good when I wear my mom's scrubs or lululemon sweat pants. I feel a sense of comfort knowing that I'm wearing my mom's stuff. (I think I'm going to turn into a hoarder!) However, all of her belongings are still in her dresser/closet. My dad talked about going through her stuff, and when that day happens, I know it's going to be extremely hard. I just want to leave it as is for now.

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Permalink Reply by Lori B. on February 13, 2012 at 8:37am

I'm not sure.  My husband died 7 months ago and i amstill surrounded by his things in our room.  I have given a way a few things, like a winter coat to someone who needed one, maybe that the key, people may come into your life or your knowledge who will really appreciate and use your moms things.  I'm not in a hurry to clean him out of my life...which sounds silly, because he will ALWAYS be a huge part of who I am, but i do know that one day it will just feel right, and i'll go through it all and let go of the "stuff", which of course is not him..he will always be right here in my heart, always.  Anyone I may share my life with in the future will have to be okay with that, its just the way it is...we are all what we've lived, it all comes with us into life.  On a side note, my husband was creamated and half of his ashes are in the cemetary, the other half are here in our home. In my room, infact.  One day I'll be able to open the box and move the ashes into an urn.  Some for me, and others, like his mom and son, but for now they just are here, in our room on his dresser..they are not him, but still they represent a wonderful man, the the wonderful life we shared.  He died at home and because we waited till everyone could arrive to say goodbye, his body was here for hours, surrounded by family and very close friends.  At some point during that time...HE..left, his body was here, but HE was gone...we all felt it.  So, we all know he survives, his body died, but HE ...well, anyways, it was a sad and amazing day the day my husband died, hard and sweet, and it all comes with us into life.  Well, not quite sure how i got onto that story.  It's ok to take your time, theres no set time table...at some point you'll just be ready, so will I, and we'll go through the pain of letting go of "the stuff" they left behind.  till then, don't feel like you need to explain, its a very personal journey. Lori

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