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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on May 13, 2017 at 11:43am

no it nevr will be

i try 2 go tak pics on my camra wen i can in it min irs hrd coz of mos alz/dem i  cnt ort mush i usd 2 i dnt 

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Permalink Reply by Jackie cooke on May 13, 2017 at 2:13pm

Me to richard

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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on May 13, 2017 at 6:14pm

I'm hoping to hear others fear as together I think it helps to know we're not alone in our grief and fear. 

Even as writer this im having a horrible shakes and I may need to take something to relax with,

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on May 13, 2017 at 6:28pm

my nervs is bad coz of mom salz/dem coz of verbla bus i get offf id rahr she hi t mecoz owrds still hot me thhy do

i wud uv 2 go on m rt akin pics on my camra but y mom cums 1st it cud be 20 yrs or mor ic bean tld 

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Permalink Reply by Jackie cooke on May 14, 2017 at 2:44am

The loneliness is the worst, the silence is deafening. Everything has changed for me here. As well as Shirl not being with me, the only neighbours i had have gone. They had to leave there farm, at least when they were there I knew there was someone else about, now there is no one, at least I used to hear dogs barking, cows mooing, sheep bleating and chickens clucking, now all I can hear are the birds. At night i hear noises that scare me, iv never been scared here. Sometimes I go all day with out physically talking to another human, I'm saved by texting, but I wonder if my voice will still work. I know a lot of this is our own fault, we weren't mixers, didn't have a big social network, as didn't need anyone else. This is the price I'm paying.
There are no supports groups here, I am going back to dr tomorrow to see if she can give me something as feel like I'm failing fast.
I feel like I died with Shirl, jackie has disappeared, just an empty shell left who is getting less and less everyday, it's been 9 weeks and I can't face a lifetime like this, people tell me it will get better but I don't see what will change, this is the price we play for love richard, take care

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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on May 14, 2017 at 11:49am

Jackie:

I share your suffering. Every day since my wonderful Annette died I find myself crying, shrieking in the night. I still see her blue lips and her closed eyes.

I am in utter agony 24/7 and there's no end in sight. I lay down in bed and I'm reminded how empty it is without her.

Annette used to make up songs in bed when I couldn't sleep. And I would drift to sleep.

I can't stop begging her for the rest of my life to forgive me for her death. I know in my heart I could have done better. I failed her and now begins a new life of misery, anguish and the hope that my already failing health will put me out of my misery.

We're in the same boat and everybody suffers.

Even now I am going to my brothers Doctor to be examined so I apply and be approved for disability. I don't want to. I wish I was skinny and healthy but fate and life have made it clear that I will fall through the cracks.

I won't have a dime and once more I will face homelessness again. And this time I won't have the support I fought for. I just want her back so I can hear her say "I love you, Richie."

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Permalink Reply by Jackie cooke on May 14, 2017 at 12:26pm

I know richard, I can't picture Shirl without seeing the panick in her eyes as she grabbed my hand and shouted I'm going. I can still hear her head smashing on the floor as I had to drag her off the chair and lie her flat, 40 mins of chest compressions and me screaming at her not to leave me and screaming for ambulance to hurry up, and all for nothing as she still died. I am lucky to have my dog and cat, they are all I am keeping going for. We were private people so didn't have many friends and the ones I thought we did have, have disappeard.
I hope you can get some help, I think we are lucky here we have the nhs so don't have to fight for treatment like it sounds like you do.

I hope you can find some peace somewhere

I'm sure Annette is screaming I love you Richie

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