Wandering in the wasteland - Is there life after loss of your soul mate?

I have only been a widow for a very short time (less that 2 months) but I already feel like I am constantly looking down the road at what's to come for me. Right now, I feel like I am just sleep walking through life, wondering what has happened to me but when the veil of grief parts and I get a glimpse of the future, it scares me...a lot.  I miss my Dave so much, I just feel like there is a huge black hole sucking the life out of me and I am helpless to stop it.  But I also know that down that road, in a year, 3 years, 5 years, this grief will not be the center of my Universe like it is now. Then what do I do? 

The reality of my situation is that I am 57 years old. I am in great shape, am a organic farmer by trade, so I am active and strong. I have no health problems and I take very good care of myself. (Of course that is no guarantee, Dave was the same and he died.) My family has no history of any type of illness as well as a history of extreme longevity and so I imagine that I will be blessed (or cursed) with the same. But now I keep wondering what I am going to do for the next 30+ years. That is literally another lifetime. 

I was married to my best friend for 16 years and now he is gone forever. Before that I was married to my college sweetheart but that ended in divorce, after 24 years. So, I have been married for well over half my life.  I have two wonderful sons, but they are both married, live elsewhere and have their own lives to live. My grandkids are 3000 miles away. I feel like everybody I love leaves me in the end, for whatever reason and so I am scared out of my wits as to what the rest of my life will hold for me.  I had the most incredible life and now I feel like I have nothing. I know Dave would be disappointed with me for thinking like this but I can't seem to help it. 

Dave was the kind of man that women wait their whole lives to meet. Handsome, sensitive, caring, honest, smart, strong, loving but with just a smidgen of bad boy thrown to keep things interesting.  He used to tease me that he had spoiled me for all other men and he was so right. After having a person like Dave in my life, I know that no relationship will ever hold a candle to it. It will be the benchmark that I used to measure all others that I might have.  I do know that I will be eternally grateful and sustained in many ways because I was allowed to have those 16 years with him. Time will tell, but I don't think that I will ever have room in my heart to have another person be that close to me since most of my heart is taken up with him.  

I am not the kind of woman who needs a man in her life but I am also the kind of woman who is passionate about many things. I don't want to feel like my life is over but I do. Yet that long, long road is stretched out in front of me and at this point it traverses a  barren wasteland. I don't know how I am going to survive this, even though I know that I will.

Does anybody else feel like this or is it just me? Will I ever feel even remotely normal again? I read what many other recent widows write on this forum and several others but nobody has ever exactly expressed what I am feeling here, although I am not sure I explained it very well either.  

Any insights, anyone?

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Permalink Reply by julie conway on May 5, 2010 at 9:27pm
Suzanne,
I sure hope you get a break real soon. You have so much going on-no wonder you sit in the house. I am lucky and have my work family.
My Dad is currently going through chemo therapy for leukemia. It is hard when you have a parent to worry about too.
You hang in there. You will get through this. I dont want the grief to win. It is a horrible feeling and I won't let it rule my life. I will not let it keep the good memories away from me.
Sure, I cry everyday, but I will remember the good days. I will get there and so will you.

Julie Conway
Permalink Reply by Cathy Ann Farrell on May 8, 2010 at 12:20pm
Suzanne:

It's been almost four months since I lost my David to a massive coronary. We were married 24 years. I only just now feel I can share some of my feelings on this wonderful website. I am going through a double dose of grief. My sister has stage four colon cancer and is losing the battle. We live in San Carlos, Mexico on the Sea of Cortez and she and her husband have to travel to Tucson, about a six hour drive for treatments. It's because of them that David and I moved to Mexico to retire three years ago. We came down for a visit and fell in love with the town and wound up going home and selling our house. We had three beautiful years together in retirement. My husband was a very strong willed person and believed that life is for the living. He always told me that he would want me to go on and have a happy life, but its very hard, I have days full of grief and days that I do feel a glimmer of light and hope. We didn't have children, but I have wonderful family and friends that I can rely on for emotional support, also I have two wonderful dogs. We are having a family reunion this month and I am so looking forward to the love.

I want you to know that I think you expressed yourself very well. Please know that we widows all care for each other in ways that no one else can understand. Take care of yourself.

Cathy Farrell
Permalink Reply by Becky Petrie-Hamilton on May 9, 2010 at 3:36pm
I lost my soul mate to lung cancer 3 weeks ago. John and I were married 5/2/1969. Our marriage ended in divorce 4 yrs and one baby later. He went his way and I mine. But we kept in touch through the years. He remarried first and then I did. I was married to a wonderful christian man for 27 years,Larry, we put his children (4 girls) and mine (1 boy) together as a family. Larry would even talk to John when He would call. Larry was a great dad to my son. I lost Larry in 2006 to esophgel and stomach cancer. I loved him very much and had a good life. His death was hard but we had 3 years to come to terms with the cancer. With John it was so different - I nerver stopped loving John. I had been IN LOVE with him since I was 18 yrs old. We had a son together and had kept in touch -- He came on a visit in Sept.2009 and It was like we had never been apart. we were in love again and both of us knew it. He decided to move from N.Y. to Missouri to be here with me. He moved here in Oct. and we were extremely happy. Both of us felt like teenagers again.In Jan he got sick and was in the hospital-we thought he had pneumonia. and that's when they found spots on his lungs- they did a biopsey the end of Jan and when we went back for the results drs. told us it was small cell cancer and he had 6 months to a year. He decided not to go through any treatment as it would only give him "maybe" 6 more months. We decided to remarry on our anniversary, May2. on April 12 John passed away. I feel very cheated, we were so looking forward to our "golden years" together. I feel confused, forsaken, angry, extremely sad,lost and depressed all at once. The pain or hurt I feel on the loss of John is so more intense.than it was with Larry. I want to understand the "WHY" even though I know in my head I 'm not to question God's reasons but my heart wants an anwser. I feel sick in my soul and I cry at the drop of a hat, I just feel like a robot doing want I have to. sometime the flood of tears just won't stop.

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