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Permalink Reply by Crystal M on October 22, 2010 at 4:31pm

It is really hard during the holidays. In October of 2007, my cousin committed suicide and my heart was broken. The holiday season wasn't the same without him, then in January of 2008, my niece passed away. That holiday season was the most horrible. I tried my best to stay "happy" for my daughter, because she was only a year old and I wanted her to be happy. My other niece and my nephew were destroyed when they lost their baby sissy, and the holidays were hard for them too, so I got some holiday crafts and we made a card for my sister and brother-in-law that had their family inside. We made Issy as an angel also, and they loved it. I know that your situation is different, but maybe if you think of something fun to do with your nieces and nephews, then it will take your mind off of it for long enough to hide it from them. We have kept Issy alive. Although it was very hard in the beginning, we include her in the holidays. We get her flowers and sometimes buy her things to put on her grave. It helps alot, especially now that this is the third holiday season without her. It's almost as if she is there with us. My grandfather passed away in March of 2009, and we always had Christmas over at his house on Christmas Eve. It was a tradition every year. When he died we felt that Christmas died with him. It was very hard last year to not drive to his house and have him greet us. My grandfather taught me so much about life and God, and I miss him more than I can explain. We got through it last year by all getting together somewhere else and celebrating the same way we always did. We talked about him for the majority of the night. We smiled, laughed, and cried, but it was good for us. We had eachother, and that really helped. I don't know how your family deals with death, but talk to them and let them know that you are going to feel sad. Ask for their support and even though it is hard to hide your feelings, try to do it for the little ones in your family. Children are the greatest joy that God gives us, and their laughter and happiness really helps. I will be praying for you and I hope that you can get through the holidays as best as possible. If you ever need anyone to talk to, just message me.

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 22, 2010 at 7:40pm

Dear Crystal,

Thank you for responding to my post and for your advice. My first hurdle is Thanksgiving, which we always had at my mother's house, until last year when she was too sick to have it there. We switched to my aunt's house, but it isn't the same. I'm a vegetarian and my mother always made me something special to eat and she announced "this is for Tammy!" I will try to approach Thanksgiving, as it is intended...to give thanks. Despite my losses and deep grief, I know God is with me and has carried me this far and I still have much to be thankful for. I will spend Christmas trying to focus on the children. Our family is expecting two new babies in December and January, and a third baby in the spring.

Crystal, sometimes I don't think I will make it to the holidays. Although I'm receiving psychiatric treatment, I constantly have to fight the urge to commit suicide. I don't want to cause my family any additional pain, but this pain runs so deep and most days I'm so tired of fighting.

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Crystal M on October 23, 2010 at 9:08pm

Tammy,
I know the feeling of wanting it to be over, but God has you here for a reason. It is not just about what it would do to your family, but what it would do to your soul. You have to think about the wonderful day that you will have when your husband and your mother will greet you in heaven. This life is nothing compared to that, and I pray that you will be able to bare this long enough, so that you can be with them again. My cousin's suicide left us with so many why's and the guilt that we were not able to stop him. I still wish everyday that there was something that I could have done to help him. It is a different kind of pain to know that they took their own life, and it hurts even more knowing that I won't get to see him after this life. I wish that I could say something that would ease the pain, but I know that I can't. Have you tried a group therapy? Sometimes it helps when you can get together with people that have experienced the same losses. You should also try to have people that love you and care about you around you. Don't let the negative people around you when you are at your worse, because they always want to tell you that it is time to let go, but we all know that it is impossible to let go. I don't know if you go to a church right now, but having compassionate people to talk to really helps. I will be praying for you.

Crystal

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on November 16, 2010 at 10:05pm

Dear Maria,
I feel like I'm drowning and the closer we get to Thanksgiving, the more I dread the holidays in general. I went away bc I felt I needed a change of scenery given that the one year anniversary of my husband's death was Friday (11/12/09) and the 7 month anniversary of my Mom's death was Monday (11/15/10). I am going home tomorrow and I had a miserable time. I cried the entire time and tried to stay away from other people. My problem is that I don't have good control over my feelings and I don't want to upset my family, especially the children. When my Mother died, my maternal grandfather (who is 99 years old) cancelled our annual family reunion. That has never happened in my life. While I am going to be with my family at Thanksgiving and Christmas, we are all feeling miserable. Is there a way to fake it? Somehow, it just doesn't feel ok to cry.

Maria, I'm sorry for all of your losses. I imagine having your daughter makes things a bit more bearable. Thank you for your advice and kindness.
Tammy

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