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Permalink Reply by morgan on January 7, 2015 at 10:32pm

Roger,

May I kindly and respectfully say your few friends are clueless.  You need to allow yourself the time and the space to realize what the loss of your soulmate means to you, not to anyone else.    From the sounds of it it seems you and your wife had a very loving relationship.  You need to stop listening to others and begin listening to your heart.  There is no way you are ready to go out and date. Your life has changed dramatically.  Don't be in a rush to figure it all out.  

i may be off the mark but I don't think so.  Your brain is very much wired to your Karla.  I was married for 35 years and my husband died January 21st 2013 so I am about to hit the two year mark very soon.  My nightmare began Christmas Eve day when I took him to the ER and the day after Xmas they operated and found stage four cancer.  I have had maybe a dozen in so days in two years where I have not cried and right now I have been pretty much breaking down non stop since before Xmas.  My brain was wired to him for a long time.  You just don't rewire that easily.

So keep trying because we all do that much.  Just give yourself permission to grieve fully.  I think if we are honest with ourselves we know when we are ready to try to assume the changes necessary to try and reconstruct our lives.  Each of us will travel the path differently but unless your spouse has died you will not know the obstacles of thought we encounter.  Don't let anyone tell you they do, unless they have.  Do what seems to work.  Bible, chess, jump rope, eat chocolate.  Whatever helps to have you feel a little at peace with your "new" life.  The rest will come when you are ready. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on January 8, 2015 at 9:56pm

Roger,

I largely agree with what m morgan said.  No one other than you can truly know what this is like for you.  Those of us here who have also had our soulmate die can understand somewhat, more than anyone else, but ultimately each relationship is its own entity and no one other than you and your Karla can truly understand, just as no one other than me and my husband can truly know what this is like for us.

My husband died on September 22, 2012.  He was 40 years old, and he died one week to the day after our wedding.  His wake took place on his 41st birthday.  The horror of all that is something from which I will never recover. I hope not to live out the year (I hope not to live out the month), but no matter how long I live I will always grieve, I will always mourn, and I will never be happy.  My husband's death is something that I will never accept -- that is, I know it occurred, but I will never "accept" it in the sense of absorbing it and moving past it.

Now, if you feel that you can be happy, then you should probably consider doing what you can to make that happen. I'm sure my husband wants or would want me to be happy, but that just isn't going to happen.  I don't know your wife, and I wouldn't presume to tell you what she wants or would want, but since you love each other then it seems to me the odds are she wants or would want you to be happy, if you can be. 

I would recommend disregarding what your church group says, if you don't find what they say to be helpful. Ditto for what your friends say. They probably want you to be happy, too, but they are trying to make that happen on their own terms (by saying you should date). If you ever decide that you want to date, then fine, but you should not feel any pressure to do so. You can have friends without dating, if that's what you prefer.  My husband and I were together for nearly 13 years, married for one week. I will never date anyone else, I have absolutely zero desire to do so. I never dated anyone before I met my husband -- I have always known, all my life, that in order for me to be in a relationship, I would have to be friends with him first, and know that he was interested in me for more than just sex.  I knew that if I never found that person, then I would never be in a relationship, and though that wouldn't have been my preference, I would have accepted that, as I would rather have no relationship than a shallow one.  My husband and I were good friends for about 6 months before we officially became a couple, although I knew the night I met him that he was my soulmate and that we would marry. I have never made love with anyone other than my husband, and I never will. I'm not saying that people who do date or have relationships or have sex or any of it at some point after the death of their spouse are wrong, I'm just saying that everyone is different, and for some of us who have found our soulmate and love them with all of our soul, no one else is worth being with (not that they're not good people, they're just not our person). So no, you are not wrong to not want to be with anyone else.

I know what you mean about not being able to do, anymore, the things you used to do with your wife. I am the same way -- I don't want to do anything that I did with my husband, because he isn't here to do those things with me. As an example, I have always loved going to thrift shops, flea markets, antique shops, etc., often buying things to keep for my apt. (and, later, our apt.), and also buying things to resell online.  I enjoyed this for many years before I met my husband, and as it turned out he loved it too, so we often did it together, spending many a Saturday morning and afternoon at the flea market. Now, I cannot bear to go to any flea markets. I think I've been to thrift shops a couple of times since he died, but I didn't enjoy it, so I stopped. I was at a thrift shop the day my husband died, earlier in the day. That's just one example, though -- there are also a lot of tv shows I can't watch anymore, because we had enjoyed them together. There are certain foods that I won't eat anymore, because they were his favorites and I enjoyed making them for both of us.  So I understand how painful it is, and I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in no longer being able to enjoy the things that you did with your wife.

You asked what people do in their free time.  I don't do much, personally.  I don't want to do anything, I have no interest or passion or desire or drive, anymore. My sister and I work at the same place, and she drives us to & from work. We work Mon., Tues., Thurs., & Fri.  On those evenings, after work, I generally have dinner with her and her husband, while we watch science fiction shows they have on dvd (I can only watch them because my husband did not like science fiction, so even if he were still alive, these aren't shows he would ever watch, so I don't find myself missing his physical presence quite so acutely while watching them as I would while doing things we used to do together).  On Wednesdays and weekends, when I'm off, I basically just stay in the apt. as much as possible, only going out if I absolutely have to go to the grocery store or the post office or whatever.  I stay in and watch tv and use the computer.  On the computer, I go to this site and a couple of others like it, I play video games, I peruse certain websites (like the "No Sleep" section of Reddit, which is mainly ghost/horror stories, and Cute Overload, which is mostly photos of cute animals).  My husband is never not on my mind, but while playing video games and reading stories I can sometimes lose myself in them just a little bit.

For me, the best thing is sleeping. I don't sleep at all well, without my husband here to cuddle with me, and knowing that he never will be again.  Most nights I have to take two Benadryl in order to sleep; on really bad nights I take a Lunesta (sleeping pill).  Either way, but especially with the Lunesta, I'm usually knocked out for 7 or 8 hours, and during that time I usually don't know that my husband is dead (I have occasionally had bad dreams in which I was aware of it, but not usually).  So sleep is a brief respite.

I have our cat, and I love him dearly, for himself but also because he is a link to my husband. At the same time, I feel guilty, because I know that I don't give him the attention he deserves.  I mean, I pet him and love on him a lot, and of course I feed him and clean his litterbox, but I don't play with him as much as he needs me to and would like, because I just don't have the energy.  Even though I do not want to be alive, I hope our cat lives a long and happy life, and for as long as he lives I will have to be here to take care of him (I know he loves me too, but also he has some aggression/behavioral issues, and if I die before he does no one in my family could take him in and any shelter would euthanize him).  Once he is gone, though, I will never adopt another animal, because I don't want anyone/anything to depend on me, to need me, since I won't be here for long.

Anyway, I don't know how much good my reply will do you, if any at all. I know it's depressing (and long, lol -- sorry about that), but I hope it at least helps you to know that you are not alone in the things you are feeling. This is a good website for writing about all of this, so I hope you stick around.

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Permalink Reply by Roger on January 9, 2015 at 9:17pm

Bluebird,

Thank you for your reply. Yes it does help. When I read your thoughts of what you have gone through and are still going through. Like myself, how devastating it is to you. How it has for evermore changed your life. I don't feel so alone with my pain. I don't feel like something is wrong with me because I haven't been able to move on. You are right when you say our spouses wouldn't want us unhappy. I've heard that before. Plus a whole lot more. It's just that nothing seems to help. I still miss her so much. I had a wife that most men can only dream about. Then she was taken from me. Furthermore, in the middle of all that. My sweet mother was struggling with COPD. Had brain damage from lack of oxygen when she had pneumonia. In spite of anything Doctors and I could do, I lost her too. Now I'm left these hellacious memories of it all.  

 I have read a lot of your posts. I like the way you write your feeling. There is no mistaking that it comes from the heart. Like mine. A broken heart.       I'm so very sorry for your loss.     I know that's doesn't help much.     But I will say it anyway.

 

 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on January 10, 2015 at 4:30pm

thank you for your kind words, Roger -- they are much appreciated.

I'm glad you feel less alone, and that you know there is nothing wrong with you just because you haven't "moved on".

Nothing helps me, either. I miss my husband so much, and nothing in life overcomes that at all. I do understand, insofar as anyone else can, and i'm sure there are others here who do too.  Do you know anyone "in real life" whose husband/wife/partner has died? Everyone responds differently, of course, but if you know anyone like that in real life then maybe also speaking to him/her might help you a little bit.

I didn't address the loss of your mother, only because I (thankfully) have not been through that, so I really don't know what it's like. However, I'm sure it just compounded your grief and pain. I find that any bad thing that happens now is thousands of times worse than it would have been if I had my husband here with me, so when a really bad thing (like your mother's death) occurs then that pain must be multiplied as well.

I am so sorry for both of your losses, too.  And thank you.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on January 11, 2015 at 4:07pm

im so sorry for yore loss roger

i do onlne gaming on slingo LOT I DO 

its winter hear 2 

i wz a difrnt person in 2011 thn 2012 hapend i had loss non stop evn 2013 thn 2014

im 2 scard 2 lk fowed its 2015 now

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Permalink Reply by Vic on February 8, 2015 at 1:32pm

I have asked God to take me many times .life is just not worth it snymore

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 8, 2015 at 1:35pm

I'm sorry it's like that for you too, Vic. 

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Permalink Reply by Vic on February 8, 2015 at 1:35pm

I am sorry roger I know just how you feel.i go to Walmart and see all the married people and I feel like crying .i never cried before now I do a lot I miss that woman so much!

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Permalink Reply by trav on February 17, 2015 at 1:48am

While i dont like to offend people, some marriages are just partnerships of people, while others like ours are our soulmates.

I dont have a solution for you, you have read my choice, it is mine and mine alone.

People can offer advice and "the move on with your life crowd" "you gotta be strong etc" are common sentiments repeated by many people.

You in the end must make your choice on your terms. As an example, mine involved how i felt about my wife and deep consideration for what the future held for me. I also consdiered the death letter my wife wrote me, advising that i should find another girlfriend/wife, she always cared for what happened to others before herself. On this occassion i choose to ignore her wishes in favour of my choice. If there is an afterlife then im sure i will argue a plenty, if i am in oblivion then i will not be aware of my choices ever again.

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Permalink Reply by Roger on February 18, 2015 at 7:39am

Trav, my wife was a nurturing person too. She was kind hearted. She was for ever doing things for me.I like peanuts. There was always peanuts in the house. In the summer. I work outside. When I got home. She would have a ice cold glass of Gatoraid waiting for me. I could go on and on about things she would do for me and others. Even though we had no children. She loved children and animals. Felt great compassion for anyone or anything that that was mistreated. Through the years, she would warm me about flirting with other women. Always told me that she was jellious. That it stemed from fear of losing me. I always assured her that I was single for many years. Dated several gals. I was certain that she was the only girl on the plant for me. I remember so well the one and only time, when she was terminally ill. She told me to find some one else after she was gone. She was sitting on the edge of our bed. Her and her mother had been going to a women's bible study class at another church from ours. She out of the blue said. There are a lot of single nice ladies at Bible study. You need to find you one like that after I'm gone. I quickly looked at her. She had her head turned away from me. I could tell by the way she said it. That it hurt her. Also that it was a planned statement. Not something that she had just though about.I quickly replied sarcastically, I don't think so. I meant that too. She is my wife. My wife died. She not here anymore. But I still love her with all my heart. The other thing we discussed when we knew she was going to die. She made me promise that I would pray, read the Bible, go to church. Not do anything that would keep me from heaven. She belived that we could be together again. I made that promise and I intend to keep it. So doing anything to hurt myself is out of the question. No one can say for sure, the consequences of taking your own life. I personally don't think that God would keep a soul from heaven. That if they were hurting so bad. That they felt they had no choice but to end their pain that way. I don't think anyone that takes their own life is thinking clearly either. But I know better. That sets me apart. God would expect note from me. Even though I am in misery most of the time. Struggling to get by day by day. My mind racing all the time with thoughts of how sad what happened to my wife and Mom was. I know God loves me. He want let me down. So I trudge on. I pray for guidance. I want to do what's right. So far I think I am. What else can we do? God is our only hope to be with our loved ones again. We "MUST" have faith.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 21, 2015 at 3:28pm

trav, I agree with you.  In a marriage where the people are not really soulmates, I'm sure there can be love between them, but it is simply not the same. When two people are truly soulmates, truly meant to be together, then when one of them dies that's it, that's the end (in my opinion, anyway).  For me, there is no "move on with your life" -- I have no life, my life ended the moment my husband died.  There is no "you have to be strong" -- no, I fucking don't, and I'm not.

I hope there is an afterlife where I will be reunited with my husband, as that is all I want (and, eventually, to be with my other loved ones as well). If not, then at least I will no longer be in the midst of this anguish. Either option is preferable than this "life", to me.

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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on March 9, 2015 at 3:17am

Roger,

Zell asked me to give you the following message.Please do me a huge favour: If you are friends with Bluebird, Kim, Laurie and Roger - please tell them that I think of them every day and they are always in my prayers. For real,not just words: I have a prayer list with all my 20 OnlineGrief friends. 

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